Come hell or high water, I am going to breastfeed!

My only real regret, from the first few days of Gaby's life, is that I didn't make more of an effort to breastfeed... I'm not heartbroken over the fact, my life hasn't stopped because of it, BUT it is something that I want to make a BIG effort with, with Emersyn/Lucas. 

I don't feel I got enough support at the hospital, with breastfeeding.  The nurse helped me whenever I fed her, but of course there were other women & bub's that needed attention, so i didn't really get any serious one-on-one.  My midwife scheduled an appointment for me, with the lactation consultant, and then for some reason, the appointment got cancelled, and that was that.  I had another day & a bit in hospital, being assisted by the nursing staff, whenever I fed Gaby - but I was allowed to leave hospital, basically unable to breastfeed by myself.   I was told it would 'come to me', if I perservered...

Well it didn't 'come to me'...  I have huge breasts and short arms, and even in hospital I couldn't find a position that worked for me...  I tried and tried and tried to feed Gaby when I got home from the hospital, but she couldn't latch, I couldn't position her properly - she got frustrated, I got frustrated.  Luckily I had a breast pump, so I was able to express milk & bottle feed her.  I kept trying her on the breast, but we never 'got it', and (not so) slowly but surely, my milk supply started dwindling... I purchased a new electronic pump, with hopes that that would be more effective, and help with my milk supply - but no, I think I had left it too late.  I began supplementing with formula, and before I knew it, she was down to one bottle a day of breastmilk & the rest were formula.. and by 10 days old, she was fully formula fed.  I had spoken to my midwife about it, and was going to need to wait 3 weeks for an appt with the lactation consultant - by which time it'd have been well and truly too late.

Don't get me wrong, Gaby THRIVED on formula, she never had any health issues, we never had a problem bonding, the formula never made her sick, she seemed like a normal, happy, healthy baby.... But it still makes me sad that I wasn't able to breastfeed - that as a woman I failed in one of the things that is supposed to come naturally, and one of the things our bodys are programmed to do, biologically.  I blame myself, my midwife, the staff at the hospital & the lactation consultant who cancelled my appointment... mostly I think I blame myself though - because surely if I'd wanted it enough, I would have found a way...

So here I am now, 15w4d pregnant with my second bundle of joy, and I am already making plans to have a successful breastfeeding experience this time around.  My midwife is well aware of my hopes, and I know that she is the sort of woman who will do what she can to help me.  I have numbers for various breastfeeding preparation classes, that I can take before baby arrives, and know when & where there are 'open clinics' held by two lactation consultants, once bub arrives.  I've started buying books - I'm not sure how much breastfeeding books will help me, but I'm hoping that if anything, they'll give me the motivation to stick with it...

Going by my previous experience though, I will be prepared for the 'other' eventuality, and have a breastpump at the ready, and a can of formula hidden away - just in case.  Formula will be a last resort, but I know from my experience (parenting, in general) with Gaby, that even the best laid plains & intentions sometimes don't come to fruition, and that at the end of the day, the most important thing is that Mum & Baby are both happy & healthy...

I just hope our 'happy & healthy' includes breastfeeding!