Without going into all the details, Jason and I have broken up. I am back to being a single parent - and I am wondering if perhaps single parenting is just the norm for me - if it is what I'm meant to be. I've always believed there is 'someone for everyone', but perhaps that isn't true? Perhaps I am just destined to grow old alone - with my family, but with no 'significant other'. In the past this thought would have made me cry, but I am now wondering if it is indeed the truth - and strangely, I am content with that thought.
OF COURSE I'm upset - I was so so SO sure this was it for me, that we would grow old and happy together, that we'd chase each other around the retirement home, on our canes or walking frames. I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want another of my children, to be brought into the world, in a situation where there wasn't a stereotypical family unit functioning.... ie I wanted Mum/Dad/Gaby/Baby, all living together, all loving each other. I know how hard it was with Gaby, trying to get my head around bringing her up myself, how to keep her father involved, how to make boundries, how to decide who gets Christmas, birthdays, easter, etc etc....
Yet, I'm right back there. I know that Jason fully intends on being a huge part of this bubby's life - and NATURALLY I want that to happen, I want nothing more than for our son/daughter to have a great relationship with his/her father, and to know that he/she can rely on him... something that sadly, Gaby doesn't have with her own father. It goes with out saying that I would still like for me & Jason to work out - that when we've both worked on our seperate issues, that we can try to get *us* back on track, but I'm also not fooling myself, because I know that that doesn't always happen, and that it's not always for the best. I tried SO many times with Gaby's father, BECAUSE I wanted Gaby to have a 'normal' family, but all it ended up doing was making me unhappy, making him unhappy - and confusing the heck out of Gaby.
Now is the time for me to work on ME again... I have been feeling somewhat depressed lately, and put it down to pregnancy hormones, but I think part of it may simply be the depression, which I have suffered from, on and off, since I was 13. I don't necessarily want to go on meds - I prefer not to be on any meds during pregnancy, so perhaps I can organise some form of counselling. Now is also the time for me to concentrate on my relationship with my fabulous little girl - she's had so many changes to her life lately, that I want to give her more of a sense of stability - and more than anything, I want her to know that her Mama loves her more than ANYTHING in the world, and that she can rely on me. I don't think I've done too bad with her, but I admit, there are aspects to my parenting, that I could work on. The past 12 weeks I have been so exhausted from the pregnancy, that I haven't done a lot of activities with her, we haven't really done anything 'fun', or 'exciting' - and I want to get all of that back. I want our bond to be as strong as it can be, before the next major uphevel (ie the arrival of baby) in our lives....
I firmly believe that everything in life happens for a reason - and I know that there is a lesson in *all* of this, now is the time for me to learn & understand the lesson, and to make positive decisions, for myself - and for Gaby....
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