... and then there is the anxiety

I always think that getting pregnant is the hard job - then as soon as I get my BFP (whether it was planned, or not) - along comes the anxiety.  I guess after experiencing 4 1st trimester losses, a lot of the innocence & excitement of pregnancy, is gone - and it has been replaced more by a negative "chances are, I will miscarry" type of attitude.  This morning I wiped and there was a tiny bit of colour on the toilet paper - it wasn't red, it wasn't pink, it wasn't even brown - but it was colour & was enough to make me hear alarm bells.  I want this baby so bad - Jason wants this baby so bad, and I feel as if I am going to ruin it all for us, and have another miscarriage.  I wish I could be put in a coma for the next 8 weeks - they can wake me up when I am having my 12w ultrasound & the little bubba is moving all around...

I wish I could be more positive, but it seems really hard.  I just have to try and remember that I have symptoms, which is a good sign - my boobs are sore, which is a very good sign for me.  Jason is working until 4pm today, so it's not like I have him to talk to about how I'm feeling (not immediately anyway) - so everything is going round and round in my head, driving me rather crazy!!!  The ONE thing that I am thinking would be a slight 'positive' of miscarrying, is that I can get the testing done, to try to figure out WHY I keep miscarrying.. I hope to heck it doesn't come to that though...