Just before going to the toilet this morning, I thought to myself "I was this far along when I miscarried in 2005"... I wiped - and realised I had started spotting. Naturally I freaked out, burst into tears - I told Jason what was happening and he was wonderful, held me while I cried, talked to me soothingly - he was everything I needed him to be. I told him that although spotting early in pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean a miscarriage, that in *my* history it HAS meant a miscarriage, and that I had no reason to believe it would be different this time.
Everyone has told me to think positive, to try not to stress, but that is so impossible for me. I really have TRIED to be positive, but all I am feeling like right now, is a failure... and I *know* that this is the start of a miscarriage for me, that I'm not one of the lucky women whose bleeding is 'innocent' and doesn't effect the viability of their pregnancy. That's just not me. I think I have come to terms with the fact I'll most likely lose the baby too, and that I'll be adding to my list of angel babies. No amount of positive thinking is going to change the outcome - in my opinion anyway.
I just HATE that this is happening NOW. Gaby's 3rd birthday is TOMORROW, and as with her birthday in 2007, this birthday is going to be marred by me being upset about losing another baby - my precious, sweet, amazing little girl isn't going to be getting the 1,000,000% of attention from me, that she SHOULD be getting. I'm going to try my hardest, for her sake, to put it behind me (for the day) - because I know that nothing can change what is going to happen, so I shouldn't be sad about it - well, I shouldn't DWELL on it. Not on Gaby's birthday anyway.
I had hoped that my next blog post would be a happy one, all about Gaby's birthday party, instead it is me having a pity party! For the record, her birthday party WAS awesome, and she had a really good time - and of course got spoilt by everyone! I ruined the cake while I was decorating it, and that really upset me. It was meant to be Mickey Mouse, but by the end it looked more like the cat from 'Itchy & Scratchy' (on the Simpsons). Gaby asked what it was.... it was such a blow... But as my Mum said - the most exciting thing for her was blowing out her candle, and that I could have given her a 'lump of poop with a candle on it, and she'd have been over the moon'. She had a blast with her little buddy - Josh, they were both running around acting crazy, it was pretty cute - especially when Gaby would try to hug Josh & he'd run away from her. And then when he admitted defeat & let Gaby cuddle him, they both fell over on the concrete & ended up with scrapes - both in tears, needing some first aid help from Poppa.
Gaby is with her father today - part of me is glad that she is, because I really needed the day to just rest, and feel sorry for myself, but another part of me can't wait for her to get home, because I NEED some Gaby cuddles.... No matter how sad/horrible/etc life is, I always have *her* to cheer me up - I just need to look at her and I remember how lucky I am - even when bad things happen, she makes up for it 1,000,000 times over. I might let her sleep in bed with me tonight - I need to be close to her... she almost has a calming effect over me. I think she intuitively picks up when I'm feeling sad, and she just naturally does things to put a smile on my face... she knows the perfect time to give me a cuddle, to give me a kiss, to say "I love you Mummy".... and at the end of the day, THOSE words, make everything else seem unimportant....
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