Two days to go!

TWO DAYS AND EMERSYN WILL BE HERE!

I cannot believe I am at the point in my pregnancy, where Emersyn's arrival is close!!!  Two days and my baby girl will be here - hopefully this time in 48 hours she'll already be here, meaning I have less than two days to go!  Technically....

Today I have to go to the hospital, for my pre-admission appointment with the anaesthesiologist & hospital midwife - and I will be given the actual time for my cesarean!  The appointment apparently takes an hour, and it should by all rights, be my last appointment - while pregnant, at the hospital!  They will be giving me some forms to get bloods taken tomorrow, and then after that......... it's all go!  I just need to make it through tomorrow in one piece, and attempt to sleep tomorrow night (that may be a mission!).

Tomorrow my sister also arrives, so I will be picking her up at the airport, and then we are going for a pre-baby coffee at the mall!  Gaby doesn't know that Terri is coming up yet, so when it is time for pre-school pick up, I am going to just get my sister to go in - lol it will blow Gaby's mind to be picked up by her Aunty Terri!!!!!!!!

I'm trying to make the most of my last couple of days of pregnancy - trying to pay as much attention as I can to how it feels when Emersyn moves, how my body feels in general... the anticipation and excitement... the nerves... because I'm never going to experience any of this again!  As much as I am sad about that, I don't suddenly have the inclination to say "no, I don't want a tubal ligation anymore" - so I know that it is the right choice for me... but as I said - still sad.  I am feeling right now, as if my family will be complete, once Emersyn is safely in my arms - and to be honest, it feels great.  

I don't think I'll be taking anymore belly photos, so here is my last one, taken at 38w4d...

by rights, the next photo of Emersyn that I post - should be OF Emersyn, in the flesh - not hidden by all my flesh!

... and for good measure, a recent picture of my BIG girl!

Gaby is starting to get excited too - I think realising that it is only two days away - a concept she can actually grasp, has made it more real to her... I truly cannot wait for that moment when she first lays eyes on her little sister... nor for that moment when she kisses her for the first time.  And like a true emotional, pregnant woman - I am now crying, so shall sign off..........

False alarm.. home & pregnant!

My contractions on Saturday, turned out to be fake labour.. or practise labour.. or my body getting half way there & thinking "na, can't be bothered doing this today".  I had all the signs of labour, however my cervix didn't dilate at all.  I knew it wouldn't - I'm sure my cervix doesn't KNOW how to dilate!!!!

The staff at the hospital, for the most part, were lovely - but I did have a couple of doctors on the Saturday, who made me feel stupid, and as if they thought I was pretending to be in so much pain.  At their 'worst', the contractions were 3 minutes apart and lasting for 90 seconds, and i have to say, if my writhing around in pain wasn't convincing to them, then it must take a LOT to convince them, that someone is in pain!   I felt as if they bullied me into getting a shot of pethadine - they assured me it would make me go to sleep, and I'd wake up without contractions... instead the peth didn't make me go to sleep, and the contractions only served to get worse!!

However by about 8pm that night, the contractions were settling down, still painful, but not as painful, so I was admitted onto the maternity ward for the night.  My contractions carried on, irregularly during the night, and when I woke up on Sunday morning, they began picking up... but only for a couple of hours.  By about midday, I was having one contraction an hour, and they weren't painful.  Eventually at 7pm I was allowed to go home!  The one great thing through all of my experience in hospital, was that Emersyn handled everything perfectly - she remained active, and her heartbeat was showing the variations it should, when it should... that helped me feel a lot less worried about the whole thing!

Was a crazy weekend, but I do have to admit that I'm glad I got to experience some form of labour & contractions...  I am 100% sure about my decision to have a repeat cesarean, but seeing as this is my last baby - it is nice to be able to say that I experienced a little bit of labour/contractions, something that 'normal' women go through.  If it wasn't for my epilepsy, perhaps now I would be a little more likely to try for a VBAC, but the risks of labouring with epilepsy, are too scary for me... even though I'm sure I'd be monitored well.

So now I'm home - Gaby has been at her Dad's since yesterday morning, and will be home in 2 hours, it's been nice to have a whole day to rest up, but I am really really missing my baby girl!  I got her father to ring me at the hospital yesterday, so I could talk to Gaby & ended up bawling my eyes out afterward.  She's going to get tonnes of cuddles tonight when she gets home, that's for sure!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much to say, no motivation to say it...

Sitting at the computer for more than 5 minutes, is suddenly a very unappealing activity for me.  The right side of my ribcage aches when I am sitting (thanks Emersyn!), and to be honest, my brain just is NOT working...

So this is the end of pregnancy.. discomfort, brain working at 1/4 power..  no motivation to do anything.  EXCEPT MEET MY BABY!  I got my cesarean date confirmed last week - Emersyn will be making her arrival on June 16th!  I am now 36w5d pregnant, so in two days time, I will be classed as full term - and in all reality, I am at the point that I just want to meet her.  I'm not of the attitude "I'm so over being pregnant" - because I'm not really - I feel quite good physically, minus the rib pain... I could probably handle another 6 or so weeks of this.... I'm just so ready to MEET Emersyn.. so ready to finally look at her, and cuddle her.  Knowing that she'll be here in 16 days time, is such a tease - 16 days, in reality - isn't that far away, but at the same time, it seems like SOOOOOOOO far away.

Gaby and I both appear to be coming down with our first official Winter 2010 colds - being sick isn't really the way I wanted to spend the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy!  I still have so much that I want to do around the house - get the tidying finished, cook a few meals to freeze, but being sick, all I really feel like doing is lying in bed, reading my book - or sitting on the couch, snuggling with my little snuggle bunny (aka Gaby).  I shouldn't complain though, we have both been so lucky with our health, and I think that as long as we stay nice and warm, and don't go out a lot - we should be okay.  

I had my final growth ultrasound, last Tuesday - it was great to see Emersyn again, and to hear that everything looks great.  The amniotic fluid level was fine, the flow through the umbilical cord was fine, organs looked fine - everything was just FINE...  She has been continuing to steadily grow, at the same rate - still in the 90th percentile for weight - as of Tuesday, weighing in at approximately 7lb2oz!!!!  I had a nice u/s tech, and she took time to show me cute things - the fact Emersyn has lots of fuzzy hair, her holding her foot in her hand, her little nose & lips... made me fall even more in love, and all the more impatient to see her up close & in person!!!!!!!

nose & lips... 

I think she'll have chubby cheeks like Gaby did!

profile view

I then saw the high risk ob for the LAST time on Thursday!  I discussed with her, my fears about Emersyn not moving enough - so she organised an NST & gave me a form to do daily kick counts on, and both of those have really helped my anxiety level.  The ob reassured me that the results from the ultrasound, indicated the Emersyn is doing well in there, and that I don't have any need for concern - she told me that she no longer worries I may have GD - because Emersyn is growing steadily, rather than having large leaps in weight.  I didn't mind the thought of having to do the GTT again, but it is definately nice to NOT have to worry about it, because I'm getting somewhat sick of going to & from various health clinics/hospitals every week... even though it is part & parcel of being pregnant, especially in a high risk situation.  

 36w3d belly...

My dear blog, I will try to update you more often - I know I have been neglecting you, but the days seem to go by so fast now, and any thought I have of "I must update my blog", seems to be forgotten within the space of a few minutes.  Quite dreadful really!

In-utero hiccups! See them here!

Emersyn had the hiccups & was moving around the womb at the same time...  Naturally, I HAD to video it!

my teeny tiny blob is now 3lb1oz

I had my first of 2-3 growth ultrasounds yesterday... the high risk ob wants me to have them, due to the small possibility I have something wrong with my placenta (which caused the bleeding I've had throughout the pregnancy), and also due to the small risk of fetal abnormalities, from the anti-epilpetic medication that I'm on.  I don't mind needing the u/s - I would sooner know if something isn't looking good, than find out after she's born - or have something serious happen toward the end of my pregnancy.

Emersyn was looking fabulous!!!!  She now weighs approximately 3lb1oz, placenta, cervix & amniotic fluid were all looking really good.  I had a feeling everything WOULD be fine, but as usual (for me anyway), there was some pre-ultrasound anxiety & a little paranoia going on - but as soon as I saw her wiggling around on the screen, I knew everything was A-OK.

I see the high risk ob again on Thursday, and presume I'll find out when I will have my next ultrasound, but I'm picking it'll be at around 34 weeks.  My last appointment the ob said that if this one came back perfect, that we would skip the 32 weeks u/s & do one closer to 36 weeks.  Much as it would be lovely to see Emersyn again in 4 weeks, I don't mind if I have to wait until closer to 36 weeks.

It has been amazing to watch Emersyn grow, through my seemingly regular ultrasound.  My first was at 5w6d  & she was barely there.. a tiny little speck on the screen.  8w1d there was an obvious 'head end' and a 'tail end' - but no real definition.  12w1d she looked like a human!  A very obvious head, eyes, mouth, nose, legs, arms, fingers, toes.. a beautiful sight!  19w2d she had grown a lot since I last saw her, and we saw her kicking her little legs, punching with her arms - and got to see that she was a girl.  23w2d - even more growth, her face looked more clear, her movements more precise... amazing.  and then yesterday - 27w5d, we got to see her yawning, poking her tongue out - and kicking herself in the head.  She'd also doubled in weight since the last time I saw her!  It's special to be able to watch this little human developing....

& speaking of the little human, here is a profile picture, from yesterday's ultrasound

Emersyn Georgia-May, 27w5d, 3lb1oz approx

100 days to go!

Today I am 25w5d pregnant - and according to my ticker, have a mere 100 days to go, until Emersyn's due date!  I guess technically I only have 86-93 days to go, because I'll be having a c/s @ 38-39 weeks, but still... 100 days until my actual EDD is pretty cool!  

I am feeling good, a little more uncomfortable in bed at night, a little more uncomfortable when walking around, or standing around... but in general I feel rather good!  I presumed I'd have had sciatica by now - I had it from about 15w with Gaby, but so far, nothing!  My appetite is back, however I am finding it increasingly harder to be able to eat a decent sized meal... I often find myself eating about 1/4 of my meal, putting it in the microwave - and then going back a little later for more.. and I guess that's the way to do it about now!

As far as I know, Emersyn is doing well.  She is still active and kicking me - which is lovely, nothing nicer than feeling her kicking in there, to make me feel positive, and like this pregnancy is going to have a positive outcome. I know that a lot of people by this point, won't be expecting anything to go wrong, but with my anxiety, past losses - and I guess also through knowing various members who've had late losses & stillbirths, on JM, it does make me realise that things are never for sure.  All I can do is take it a day at a time, and that is what I'm trying to do.

I am however 110% that I don't want any further pregnancies, and that I will be getting a tubal ligation at the time I have my cesarean.  I don't feel that it is fair to put Gaby - and Emersyn, through 9 months of having a stressed out, anxious, terrified mother... 9 months is a long time in the life of a child, and I know I wouldn't feel right if I spent that time concentrating on something that *could* happen, rather than spending the time enjoying my two girls.  I need to talk to the obstetrician at the hospital when I go for my next high risk appt, as they are going to schedule my cesarean - and will be the ones who say yay or nay to my request for a tubal ligation.  My midwife seems to think they won't have any issues with it, being that I'm 26 & (will) have had 2 children by that time... and then adding in my history of (early) losses, my anxiety & depression... she thinks it won't be something they'll fight me about.

Can't believe that next week I'll officially be in the 3rd trimester!!!!!!  Seemed like a lifetime away, back when I found out in October... but the weeks seems to be speeding by, I'm sure the point will come where I will wish that time could slow down a little.  End of the day though, I can't wait for June, and to hear those first cries, from my baby girl.  

*cue the tears*

I'm sorry I don't live up to your standards...

warning:  I'm pregnant & hormonal, very emotional & having a bad day.....


Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I was the failure of the family, the one who would disappoint everyone, would never amount to much in the eyes of everyone else...

& here I am today, 26 - and bawling my eyes out, because it has never been more clear to me, that my worries when I was a little girl, turned out to be 100% spot on.  The only people in my family who I feel do love me for me, and don't wish I was anything BUT myself, are my parents - and I guess that is a good thing, or pure luck...

Here is a list of the ways in which I am sub-par as a human being - in their eyes

1. I'm 26, and have never been married - was briefly engaged - to a woman - so obviously that doesn't count - I must have just been 'going through a phase'
2. I have two children, who have two different fathers & I'm in a relationship with neither.  Never mind that it is in my best interests, and my girls best interests, for me to not be in relationships with their fathers
3. I'm obese - I will never be skinny, I will never be athletic and toned, and when I do lose weight, why congratulate me?  I'll obviously just put the weight on again.. support & encouragement isn't really that important!
4. My longest relationship has been 15 months, and obviously I did things wrong, otherwise, why would he have broken up with me?  Surely the problem wasn't with him!  Must have been Emma
5. I am living off the domestic purposes benefit, rather than working - who cares that it was a decision I made, because I felt it was best for *my* daughter, to have her mother with her as much as possible in the early years of her life - obviously it'd be better for her to only see her mother at nights, in the same way she only sees her father one day a week
6. I don't have a huge career, I haven't finished a university degree, I guess the fact that I am happy working an average job, for average pay doesn't mean anything.  I should aspire to be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, a teacher... something exciting and interesting - definately a job I can't leave at work at the end of the day, something that I have to bring home with me, so my children get a little of my attention, but work gets more....
7. I'm not a 100% straight, heterosexual woman!  Obviously I feel more attracted to women than men, just because I can't find a nice man to settle down with.. yes, that's got to be it!

I hate that I can't be loved because I am simply *me*...  My sister, my cousins - they all have their flaws, their dirty little secrets - but because they're living the life everyone thinks they should live, well - it doesn't matter!!!  Because I am happy being a Mum - and putting that before having a career, it doesn't mean that I don't have aspirations - I do, it also doesn't mean that I am unhappy with my life - because I am NOT. 

Everyday with Gaby is a fabulous day, even if I am feeling down, just looking at her makes me smile, hearing the words "I love you Mummy" makes everything great again, seeing her accomplish something new makes me feel wonderful about myself - reiterates that I am a good Mum, and that my daughter isn't missing out on anything, just because she doesn't have a 'normal' family (ie Mum/Dad living together).  Everytime Emersyn kicks me, I feel a huge surge of love, and can't help but smile - everytime I think about meeting her, tears come to my eyes, because I cannot wait for that day.  Being a Mum IS what makes me happy, it's what I feel I'm meant to be doing.  But why isn't that good enough for everyone else??

"week 22 - you may have noticed your centre of gravity has changed"

In one of my pregnancy books, for 22 weeks I read "you may have noticed your centre of gravity has changed", and I figured that yes mine had, but not substantially.

That was until today when I was taking an armload of stuff (ie crap) out to the garage to put in the rubbish bin - and managed to fall down the stairs!!!!  I don't know how I did it, but I think my foot may have slipped or something - and next thing I knew I was fall off the side of the steps, scraping my toes, feet, legs & hands on the way down.. I kind of dived along the ground, before rolling onto my side.  My first worry was that I'd hurt the baby, but I didn't hit my belly at all, and didn't really fall from a massive distance.  I got inside and admittedly was crying - a huge chunk of nail came off one of my big toes, and then a big chunk of skin off the side of my opposite little toe.. one of my feet has a big graze, as does the shin & knee of the opposite leg!

Gaby was a good little paramedic, she got me some toilet paper and the bandaids - but then she looked at me with a very serious look on her face & said to me...
"Mummy - that is why we don't wear jandles [thongs, flip-flops] isn't it"
that was admittedly very cute, and made me laugh - she sounded so very grown up!

I think from now on, I'm not going to carry any big loads of 'stuff' down the stairs, I will have to do it in little trips I think!!!  I'm just glad that none of my neighbours from the three surrounding units saw it happen - wasn't exactly my most graceful move!  I've not fallen down stairs in YEARS... but now with all this added weight in front, I'm obviously not as stable as I once was!

I have had a few movements since it happened, so am hoping that means that everything is okay in there... I will keep note of her movements for the next day though, incase there is an obvious decrease.. but I'm thinking that because I landed on my hands & knees, that everything should be okay..

a couple of exciting pregnancy firsts!

This weekend I both felt Emersyn move from the outside - and saw her move from the outside!  I possibly got more excited than I should have - but it's something I didn't experience a lot of, when I was pregnant with Gaby (partly due to having an anterior placenta, partly due to having so much extra 'padding').  It felt really good to reach these milestones, and so early, compared with my pregnancy with Gaby.  I'm sure that with her I was 30+ weeks, before either of those happened, but this time it was 21w3d/21w4d.  Very cool!

I've noticed a lot of change in Emersyn in the past week - her movements are a lot harder, and I'm feeling them a lot higher (above my belly button) - I also often get a kick up high & a punch down low, within a couple of seconds of each other... always makes me smile when I feel her kicking.  Her movements seem to be a lot more regular now as well - so there isn't the same stress & anxiety if I haven't felt something for a few hours.  I have noticed that she doesn't kick me when I'm lying down in bed at night - so obviously that is now her sleepy time - because for about 3 weeks it was a time I knew I would get kicked a lot.  First night it worried me, but then I woke up at 4am & felt a lot of kicks, so figured she'd changed her sleeping pattern!

I'm starting to get a little worried about making sure I have enough clothes etc for her, for when she's born.  I really wish I hadn't gone and sold most of Gaby's newborn clothes - I could really do with them now!  I am going to need to clean out Gaby's wardrobe, because I know there are some bags of clothes in there, and bags of blankets etc etc - I really have no idea what I'll find!  

It feels so strange to be organising all Gaby's old stuff, for a new baby to wear - takes me back to when Gaby fit into the teeny tiny little clothes - and now they probably wouldn't fit on her foot!!!!!  I enjoy telling Gaby about when she was a baby, and how she used to wear certain outfits, do certain things - I think she thinks it's all a big fabrication - because as she tells me "but I'm a big girl Mummy!!!".  Very cute.  She loves looking at the bassinet, sometimes she'll just stand by it, and run her hand up and down the fabric, with this wistful look on her face.  

I can't wait until there is a baby in that bassinet!!!!