100 days to go!

Today I am 25w5d pregnant - and according to my ticker, have a mere 100 days to go, until Emersyn's due date!  I guess technically I only have 86-93 days to go, because I'll be having a c/s @ 38-39 weeks, but still... 100 days until my actual EDD is pretty cool!  

I am feeling good, a little more uncomfortable in bed at night, a little more uncomfortable when walking around, or standing around... but in general I feel rather good!  I presumed I'd have had sciatica by now - I had it from about 15w with Gaby, but so far, nothing!  My appetite is back, however I am finding it increasingly harder to be able to eat a decent sized meal... I often find myself eating about 1/4 of my meal, putting it in the microwave - and then going back a little later for more.. and I guess that's the way to do it about now!

As far as I know, Emersyn is doing well.  She is still active and kicking me - which is lovely, nothing nicer than feeling her kicking in there, to make me feel positive, and like this pregnancy is going to have a positive outcome. I know that a lot of people by this point, won't be expecting anything to go wrong, but with my anxiety, past losses - and I guess also through knowing various members who've had late losses & stillbirths, on JM, it does make me realise that things are never for sure.  All I can do is take it a day at a time, and that is what I'm trying to do.

I am however 110% that I don't want any further pregnancies, and that I will be getting a tubal ligation at the time I have my cesarean.  I don't feel that it is fair to put Gaby - and Emersyn, through 9 months of having a stressed out, anxious, terrified mother... 9 months is a long time in the life of a child, and I know I wouldn't feel right if I spent that time concentrating on something that *could* happen, rather than spending the time enjoying my two girls.  I need to talk to the obstetrician at the hospital when I go for my next high risk appt, as they are going to schedule my cesarean - and will be the ones who say yay or nay to my request for a tubal ligation.  My midwife seems to think they won't have any issues with it, being that I'm 26 & (will) have had 2 children by that time... and then adding in my history of (early) losses, my anxiety & depression... she thinks it won't be something they'll fight me about.

Can't believe that next week I'll officially be in the 3rd trimester!!!!!!  Seemed like a lifetime away, back when I found out in October... but the weeks seems to be speeding by, I'm sure the point will come where I will wish that time could slow down a little.  End of the day though, I can't wait for June, and to hear those first cries, from my baby girl.  

*cue the tears*

I'm sorry I don't live up to your standards...

warning:  I'm pregnant & hormonal, very emotional & having a bad day.....


Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I was the failure of the family, the one who would disappoint everyone, would never amount to much in the eyes of everyone else...

& here I am today, 26 - and bawling my eyes out, because it has never been more clear to me, that my worries when I was a little girl, turned out to be 100% spot on.  The only people in my family who I feel do love me for me, and don't wish I was anything BUT myself, are my parents - and I guess that is a good thing, or pure luck...

Here is a list of the ways in which I am sub-par as a human being - in their eyes

1. I'm 26, and have never been married - was briefly engaged - to a woman - so obviously that doesn't count - I must have just been 'going through a phase'
2. I have two children, who have two different fathers & I'm in a relationship with neither.  Never mind that it is in my best interests, and my girls best interests, for me to not be in relationships with their fathers
3. I'm obese - I will never be skinny, I will never be athletic and toned, and when I do lose weight, why congratulate me?  I'll obviously just put the weight on again.. support & encouragement isn't really that important!
4. My longest relationship has been 15 months, and obviously I did things wrong, otherwise, why would he have broken up with me?  Surely the problem wasn't with him!  Must have been Emma
5. I am living off the domestic purposes benefit, rather than working - who cares that it was a decision I made, because I felt it was best for *my* daughter, to have her mother with her as much as possible in the early years of her life - obviously it'd be better for her to only see her mother at nights, in the same way she only sees her father one day a week
6. I don't have a huge career, I haven't finished a university degree, I guess the fact that I am happy working an average job, for average pay doesn't mean anything.  I should aspire to be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, a teacher... something exciting and interesting - definately a job I can't leave at work at the end of the day, something that I have to bring home with me, so my children get a little of my attention, but work gets more....
7. I'm not a 100% straight, heterosexual woman!  Obviously I feel more attracted to women than men, just because I can't find a nice man to settle down with.. yes, that's got to be it!

I hate that I can't be loved because I am simply *me*...  My sister, my cousins - they all have their flaws, their dirty little secrets - but because they're living the life everyone thinks they should live, well - it doesn't matter!!!  Because I am happy being a Mum - and putting that before having a career, it doesn't mean that I don't have aspirations - I do, it also doesn't mean that I am unhappy with my life - because I am NOT. 

Everyday with Gaby is a fabulous day, even if I am feeling down, just looking at her makes me smile, hearing the words "I love you Mummy" makes everything great again, seeing her accomplish something new makes me feel wonderful about myself - reiterates that I am a good Mum, and that my daughter isn't missing out on anything, just because she doesn't have a 'normal' family (ie Mum/Dad living together).  Everytime Emersyn kicks me, I feel a huge surge of love, and can't help but smile - everytime I think about meeting her, tears come to my eyes, because I cannot wait for that day.  Being a Mum IS what makes me happy, it's what I feel I'm meant to be doing.  But why isn't that good enough for everyone else??

Changes..... perhaps it's my norm...

Without going into all the details, Jason and I have broken up.  I am back to being a single parent - and I am wondering if perhaps single parenting is just the norm for me - if it is what I'm meant to be.  I've always believed there is 'someone for everyone', but perhaps that isn't true?  Perhaps I am just destined to grow old alone - with my family, but with no 'significant other'.  In the past this thought would have made me cry, but I am now wondering if it is indeed the truth - and strangely, I am content with that thought.

OF COURSE I'm upset - I was so so SO sure this was it for me, that we would grow old and happy together, that we'd chase each other around the retirement home, on our canes or walking frames.  I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want another of my children, to be brought into the world, in a situation where there wasn't a stereotypical family unit functioning.... ie I wanted Mum/Dad/Gaby/Baby, all living together, all loving each other.  I know how hard it was with Gaby, trying to get my head around bringing her up myself, how to keep her father involved, how to make boundries, how to decide who gets Christmas, birthdays, easter, etc etc....

Yet, I'm right back there.  I know that Jason fully intends on being a huge part of this bubby's life - and NATURALLY I want that to happen, I want nothing more than for our son/daughter to have a great relationship with his/her father, and to know that he/she can rely on him... something that sadly, Gaby doesn't have with her own father.  It goes with out saying that I would still like for me & Jason to work out - that when we've both worked on our seperate issues, that we can try to get *us* back on track, but I'm also not fooling myself, because I know that that doesn't always happen, and that it's not always for the best.  I tried SO many times with Gaby's father, BECAUSE I wanted Gaby to have a 'normal' family, but all it ended up doing was making me unhappy, making him unhappy - and confusing the heck out of Gaby.

Now is the time for me to work on ME again... I have been feeling somewhat depressed lately, and put it down to pregnancy hormones, but I think part of it may simply be the depression, which I have suffered from, on and off, since I was 13.  I don't necessarily want to go on meds - I prefer not to be on any meds during pregnancy, so perhaps I can organise some form of counselling.  Now is also the time for me to concentrate on my relationship with my fabulous little girl - she's had so many changes to her life lately, that I want to give her more of a sense of stability - and more than anything, I want her to know that her Mama loves her more than ANYTHING in the world, and that she can rely on me.  I don't think I've done too bad with her, but I admit, there are aspects to my parenting, that I could work on.  The past 12 weeks I have been so exhausted from the pregnancy, that I haven't done a lot of activities with her, we haven't really done anything 'fun', or 'exciting' - and I want to get all of that back.  I want our bond to be as strong as it can be, before the next major uphevel (ie the arrival of baby) in our lives....

I firmly believe that everything in life happens for a reason - and I know that there is a lesson in *all* of this, now is the time for me to learn & understand the lesson, and to make positive decisions, for myself - and for Gaby....