Life with a baby in the house

Life with a baby in the house has taken a little while to get used to!!!!  I didn't realise how settled into our own routine, Gaby & I were - and then Miss Emersyn came home and it allllll got tossed up in the air & mooshed around... that said, it only took a couple of days for me to get back into the newborn swing of things - feeding, changing nappies, keeping on top of housework, going to bed 2 hours earlier than normal at night to catch up on some sleep.  It's kind of like I never stopped!

The only difference has been adapting to life with a newborn & a 3 1/2yo....  For the most part, I think we are doing well, but I do feel that I'm somewhat 'neglecting' Gaby - not in the not feeding, not cleaning, not caring what she does sense, but in the affection sense.  It seems everyday I plan to make time *just* for Gaby, where we can do something together, and I can devote all my attention to her, but once the baby is in bed, there is washing to be folded, dishes to be done, jobs jobs and more jobs - and next thing I know it's time for Gaby to go to bed.  Gaby doesn't seem to be displaying signs of feeling left out, or feeling like she's not getting enough love, but *I* am aware of it.  I guess once Emersyn is a little older, my parents will be able to take her for an hour or two, and we can REALLY concentrate on having Mummy & Gaby time.

Gaby is adapting really well to having a little sister!  I doubt she could love her anymore than she does - as soon as Emery-Boo wakes up, Gaby is right by her side & doesn't leave until she's back in bed... she is always wanting to touch her, hold her, cuddle her, kiss her - it is so heartwarming, and makes all the dramas of the past 9 months, seem totally worth it.  Because I'm bottle feeding Emersyn now, Gaby is able to help out with that - and I think that has helped her feel 'important' - but has also helped her start to bond more with Emersyn.  I think that in a few weeks time, when Emersyn is taking more in, and actually staying awake for longer than it takes to give her a feed & change her nappy, the two of them will really start to interact.  I can't wait!

Emersyn's father was down for 6 days this week, so he could meet his little girl & spend some time with her... he was very much the doting father, and whenever he was holding her (which was most of the time), he couldn't take his eyes off her.  When he had to leave on Friday, he cried - which I thought was really sweet, and is a nice change from Gaby's father, who has never really seemed terribly fussed about spending time with her, or not.  At this point, he is going to try and get down every 6 weeks for a weekend - hopefully he is able to manage that, it will be beneficial for him, and for Emersyn... no matter how *I* feel about him, I still want him to be an active part of her life, and someone she knows that she can rely on.  On Friday Emersyn met her Nana, and she seemed very smitten as well!  It's nice to know that even though me & Jason aren't together, that his family can look past it, and be happy to see me, and excited about seeing Emersyn & spending time with her.  Her Nana lives down here, so hopefully she will be a somewhat regular feature in Emersyn's life.

Here are a few recent pictures of little miss Emmy

The arrival of Emersyn Lily-May!

ednesday 16th June, at 7am I arrived at the hospital for my elective repeat cesarean. I was taken up to the birthing suite, where they monitored Emersyn's heartbeat for a couple of minutes, and the midwife who was looking after me did some paperwork. I met with the obstetrician who would be performing my cesarean, and soon after that the anaesthetist came in and introduced himself to me. He had to put my IV in, and that was a bit of a mission - he attempted once in my hand and it didn't work - and after he removed the canula (?), I had a big amount of blood come out of my hand, and land all over his pants & the floor. I hoped it wasn't a sign of things to come!

9.30am the obstetrician came and told me it was time! We walked down the corridor, to where the operating theatres were, and it was then that it dawned on me - I was having a baby - VERY soon! My sister was going in with me, and had to wait in the corridor, until they had put my spinal in - I gave her a big hug & in I went. As soon as I was in there, the tears came to my eyes, and I felt very overwhelmed - but in an excited way. The OR staff all introduced themselves, they seemed very relaxed and like nice people, so it helped to keep me somewhat calm.

When they put the spinal in, my midwife held my hands & talked to me - I guess to take my mind of the discomfort of the spinal. It didn't really hurt as such, but it wasn't something I'd want to do everyday! It felt like it took forever to get administered, but it was probably only a couple of minutes. Once it was in the anaesthetist told me I would start feeling warmth in my legs very soon - and almost immediately, on it came. It was such a weird feeling, as the anaesthetic did its job, feeling my legs one moment, and then next knowing they were there, but not being able to feel them.

They got me set up on the operating table, and then my sister came in - and it was time to begin!!!!! I was in a rather happy mood, and laughed with my sister, and my midwife, and chatted with one of the nurses. I could feel pressure on my stomach, and my abdomen moving around, but I had no idea what they were actually doing. It seemed to be taking a long time, and my midwife told me that I had a lot of adhesions in my abdomen, from my first cesarean, so it was taking a bit longer than normal, for them to get to the uterus.

Then the time come - my midwife said to my sister "if you want to take photos of the delivery, you can stand up now and get ready" - as soon as she said that, tears came to my eyes again, I couldn't believe my baby girl was going to be born in the very near future! Again I could feel pulling and tugging, and pressure - but had no real idea what was happening, then my midwife said "here she comes Em" - and the next thing I heard was the cutest little, almost meowing sound, I heard it again, and again - and then I heard an extremely loud, hearty newborn crying.

And the tears started flowing... I was lying on the OR table bawling my eyes out - almost more than Emersyn was!!!!!!! The midwife told my sister she could go over and take photos of them doing the initial post-birth check, and that she could trim the cord if she wanted to, I lay there continuing to cry, so anxious to see my baby, and so relieved she'd arrived. The anaesthetist told me I could move the curtain out of the way a little, and I would be able to see them doing the check. As soon as I did this, and had my first glimpse of my baby girl, a whole new set of tears came.

After her check was done, the midwife brought her over to me, for a kiss, and to have a look... I could barely see her, through the tears - but even with my blurry tear stained vision, I fell immediately in love with this little bundle, who was then being placed in my sisters arms, for a cuddle. Terri sat beside me, holding Emersyn, and I couldn't take my eyes off her... it was then that I noticed that Emersyn had hair!!! Not something most parents would get excited about, but Gaby had no hair until she was 18 months old, so it was quite the novelty for me!!!!

My midwife asked the surgeons if it was okay for me to have skin to skin, and they said it was fine, so my midwife placed Emersyn inside my gown, and I had my first cuddle - and first proper look, at my baby girl. I couldn't stop kissing her soft little cheek, it was an amazing moment... and one that I wish I had been able to have with Gaby, when I had her (the hospital didn't have a skin to skin policy for cesareans, back then).

Around 11.15, I was deemed stable enough to go to recovery. In recovery we continued with the skin to skin, and as the anaesthetic slowly wore off, I was able to take in more of the details of my beautiful daughter.... the fact she had the same lips as her big sister - and the same chubby cheeks.. her tiny little fingers, with the perfect little finger nails, her long eyelashes poking out from underneath her closed eyelids... It really was one of the most blissful, happy, amazing moments of my life.

12.40 we were taken up to the maternity ward - I was a little sad because 1pm-3pm were no visiting hours, so my parents & Gaby weren't able to come up until 3pm. It was lovely seeing Gaby with Emersyn - you could see that she fell in love with her immediately! We were discharged from hospital at midday on Sunday... it was great to finally get home, and to be able to get on with our life as a new little family.

Emersyn Lily-May Oakden
16 June 2010, 10.10am
8lb0oz, 21.7"
little sister to Gabrielle Jayda-Leigh

waiting for it all to begin

seconds old

skin to skin, in recovery

my little family is complete!

the proud big sister, having her first cuddle

asleep on Mummy's bed

ready to go home

Rambling reality

Today I got the infant carseat, from my parents house, and got it all set up in the car.

And I cried!

For some reason, seeing that little carseat, safely in the car - made me realise that in less than 5 weeks, I am going to be putting a little baby in it...  That baby Emersyn will no longer be in my belly - she will be 'REAL' - right there for me to cuddle & kiss, to snuggle with & talk to in a silly voice.  All those clothes which are tidily put away in the set of drawers, will be used.  The bassinet which has been in my room for months, will have someone sleeping in it.  

.. Emersyn is going to be here soon, and I am so excited... and I am so terrified...  I can't wait for my life to change...  I am scared that my life is going to change...  I cannot wait for Gaby to be a big sister...  I am not ready for Gaby to be a big sister...

It was never this confusing with Gaby... and I don't know why this time is different.  The confusion isn't a bad thing, and I'm in no way not looking forward, to Emersyn finally being here...  My mind is just slightly blown.....

The Gaby Inquisition

Gaby has reached a new milestone - asking questions!  All of a sudden, I am being asked questions on a regular basis, which there isn't an obvious answer to - and I'm a little unsure how to handle it!

This morning, on the way to preschool, Gaby asked me "Mummy, who made outside??"...  We are not a religious family, so I didn't see it as a chance for a conversation about god, but I did want to answer her question, in a way that would make sense to her, and in a way that would get her attention and encourage her to think further about it.  I ended up talking to her about seeds - how they grow new plants/grass/trees/bushes/flowers/etc, and how they are spread around.. the role the wind plays, the role that birds play, etc etc.  I hoped that it would be a suitable explanation for her - and it seems that it was, because we spoke about it the whole way to preschool (15 minutes or so)!

I do want her to be naturally inquisitive, to feel she can ask questions - so that I can assist her learning, but I'm fast realising that I'm going to need to be armed with resources, for when she asks a question that isn't so easy to answer!!!  It would be easy to just say "I don't know hunny" - and leave it at that, but that isn't really making the most of the opportunity for learning, so I would prefer to be able to say "I don't know - lets have a look at a book/website that will teach us both about how/why/etc ___________ happens".  I see it as a way to encourage her learning, and independent thought - but also another form of activity that we can do together, and bond over.

After our little talk today about seeds, I am going to try and track down some seeds that will grow quickly, inside - so she can see for herself what happens, rather than just taking my word for it.  I have always been more of a visual learner, and it may well be that Gaby is too... and I want to do what I can to help out!

This is the first time I've felt like I'm dealing with a child, rather than just a 'little kid' or 'my 3 year old'.  She is asking mature questions, she is using mature thought... it's all a little scary & a little exciting, at the same time! 

my teeny tiny blob is now 3lb1oz

I had my first of 2-3 growth ultrasounds yesterday... the high risk ob wants me to have them, due to the small possibility I have something wrong with my placenta (which caused the bleeding I've had throughout the pregnancy), and also due to the small risk of fetal abnormalities, from the anti-epilpetic medication that I'm on.  I don't mind needing the u/s - I would sooner know if something isn't looking good, than find out after she's born - or have something serious happen toward the end of my pregnancy.

Emersyn was looking fabulous!!!!  She now weighs approximately 3lb1oz, placenta, cervix & amniotic fluid were all looking really good.  I had a feeling everything WOULD be fine, but as usual (for me anyway), there was some pre-ultrasound anxiety & a little paranoia going on - but as soon as I saw her wiggling around on the screen, I knew everything was A-OK.

I see the high risk ob again on Thursday, and presume I'll find out when I will have my next ultrasound, but I'm picking it'll be at around 34 weeks.  My last appointment the ob said that if this one came back perfect, that we would skip the 32 weeks u/s & do one closer to 36 weeks.  Much as it would be lovely to see Emersyn again in 4 weeks, I don't mind if I have to wait until closer to 36 weeks.

It has been amazing to watch Emersyn grow, through my seemingly regular ultrasound.  My first was at 5w6d  & she was barely there.. a tiny little speck on the screen.  8w1d there was an obvious 'head end' and a 'tail end' - but no real definition.  12w1d she looked like a human!  A very obvious head, eyes, mouth, nose, legs, arms, fingers, toes.. a beautiful sight!  19w2d she had grown a lot since I last saw her, and we saw her kicking her little legs, punching with her arms - and got to see that she was a girl.  23w2d - even more growth, her face looked more clear, her movements more precise... amazing.  and then yesterday - 27w5d, we got to see her yawning, poking her tongue out - and kicking herself in the head.  She'd also doubled in weight since the last time I saw her!  It's special to be able to watch this little human developing....

& speaking of the little human, here is a profile picture, from yesterday's ultrasound

Emersyn Georgia-May, 27w5d, 3lb1oz approx

Little trip away..

We spent Friday/Saturday at a glorious little place called 'Tikao Bay'... we were very secluded, and it was really lovely!  We went with Mum & Dad, and met [Great] Uncle Steve, his wife Linda, their daughter Tahna, and Steve's eldest daughter - Sharlene there.  it was the first time in a long while that we've spent a decent amount of time with Steve, Linda & Tahna, so it was really nice to have the opportunity to catch up with them!

Gaby had a blast, running around, exploring the area, playing down at the little beach (when the tide wasn't in, anyway) - and there was a huge shed there, which had an abandoned tractor in it, so Gaby had a tonne of fun playing on that!  We didn't do anything specific there - we sat & caught up, we went for little walks, and really just RELAXED, which I think is something we don't do enough of!  It was sad we were only there for 24 hours, but at the same time, it was nice to get home... although I'm sure we could have all handled another night there!


Here are a few photos from our 24 hours, they'll help give you an idea of how gorgeous our surroundings were - and how secluded we were...

Gaby & Nan checking out the scenery, when we first arrived

Gaby getting ready to test the water,

looking out toward Akaroa

Gaby, loving on Nan

Looking across the little beach

to one of the points, across the bay

Poppa, checking out the scenery

Sharlene fishing, 

looking down other end of the bay

(toward Akaroa)

 The sun starting to come up, 

on Saturday morning

Saw my beautiful girl again!

On Friday I had my repeat ultrasound (at my 20w u/s they couldn't get some of the shots they needed, because of the position Emersyn was lying in) - and it was so wonderful to see my girl again!!!  She was in a bit of an awkward position again, but slightly better than last time, and eventually the u/s tech got the shots she needed... but not until I'd gone for a 20 minute walk, to try to get her to move a little!

Everything looks great - the heart & face (which were what she needed to look at) all looked perfect, and then she did all the measurements that help them determine the size of the baby, and well - little miss has GROWN!  At 19w2d she weighed 298g/11oz & then at 23w2d she weighed 640g/1lb7oz - so she's doubled her weight - well, more than doubled it & is around the 62nd percentile.

I finally got some 3D pictures as well, which was such an amazing experience - I cried when I saw the first one, and then my Mum was rubbing my foot, and I didn't have to look at her to know she had tears in her eyes as well!  We got a couple of good 2D pictures of the face as well, but no profile pictures, like I was hoping for.

All in all a wonderful experience!

Here are some pictures of my little bambino!

 

you can see the back of Emersyn's head

a little ear & her right arm/right leg

  

you can see her arm & a little sliver of her face

  

the orbits/eyes

 

looking front on at Emersyn's face

note her hand above her head

... looks like she's doing the 'peace' sign!

the best fight ever!

Just a short post today.... the mall is calling our name!

I just had a huge screaming fight with Gaby - about who loves who the most.  It really just consisted of us both yelling at each other:
"I love you"
"NO - I love YOU!"
"NO - I love YOU!"

over and over and over and over... with lots of giggling thrown in for good measure...  It's so fun that Gaby is getting to the age where we can be silly like this together!!

Now to convince her that she really can't wear her togs (bathing suit) to the mall!!!!!!

Changes..... perhaps it's my norm...

Without going into all the details, Jason and I have broken up.  I am back to being a single parent - and I am wondering if perhaps single parenting is just the norm for me - if it is what I'm meant to be.  I've always believed there is 'someone for everyone', but perhaps that isn't true?  Perhaps I am just destined to grow old alone - with my family, but with no 'significant other'.  In the past this thought would have made me cry, but I am now wondering if it is indeed the truth - and strangely, I am content with that thought.

OF COURSE I'm upset - I was so so SO sure this was it for me, that we would grow old and happy together, that we'd chase each other around the retirement home, on our canes or walking frames.  I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want another of my children, to be brought into the world, in a situation where there wasn't a stereotypical family unit functioning.... ie I wanted Mum/Dad/Gaby/Baby, all living together, all loving each other.  I know how hard it was with Gaby, trying to get my head around bringing her up myself, how to keep her father involved, how to make boundries, how to decide who gets Christmas, birthdays, easter, etc etc....

Yet, I'm right back there.  I know that Jason fully intends on being a huge part of this bubby's life - and NATURALLY I want that to happen, I want nothing more than for our son/daughter to have a great relationship with his/her father, and to know that he/she can rely on him... something that sadly, Gaby doesn't have with her own father.  It goes with out saying that I would still like for me & Jason to work out - that when we've both worked on our seperate issues, that we can try to get *us* back on track, but I'm also not fooling myself, because I know that that doesn't always happen, and that it's not always for the best.  I tried SO many times with Gaby's father, BECAUSE I wanted Gaby to have a 'normal' family, but all it ended up doing was making me unhappy, making him unhappy - and confusing the heck out of Gaby.

Now is the time for me to work on ME again... I have been feeling somewhat depressed lately, and put it down to pregnancy hormones, but I think part of it may simply be the depression, which I have suffered from, on and off, since I was 13.  I don't necessarily want to go on meds - I prefer not to be on any meds during pregnancy, so perhaps I can organise some form of counselling.  Now is also the time for me to concentrate on my relationship with my fabulous little girl - she's had so many changes to her life lately, that I want to give her more of a sense of stability - and more than anything, I want her to know that her Mama loves her more than ANYTHING in the world, and that she can rely on me.  I don't think I've done too bad with her, but I admit, there are aspects to my parenting, that I could work on.  The past 12 weeks I have been so exhausted from the pregnancy, that I haven't done a lot of activities with her, we haven't really done anything 'fun', or 'exciting' - and I want to get all of that back.  I want our bond to be as strong as it can be, before the next major uphevel (ie the arrival of baby) in our lives....

I firmly believe that everything in life happens for a reason - and I know that there is a lesson in *all* of this, now is the time for me to learn & understand the lesson, and to make positive decisions, for myself - and for Gaby....