Life with a baby in the house

Life with a baby in the house has taken a little while to get used to!!!!  I didn't realise how settled into our own routine, Gaby & I were - and then Miss Emersyn came home and it allllll got tossed up in the air & mooshed around... that said, it only took a couple of days for me to get back into the newborn swing of things - feeding, changing nappies, keeping on top of housework, going to bed 2 hours earlier than normal at night to catch up on some sleep.  It's kind of like I never stopped!

The only difference has been adapting to life with a newborn & a 3 1/2yo....  For the most part, I think we are doing well, but I do feel that I'm somewhat 'neglecting' Gaby - not in the not feeding, not cleaning, not caring what she does sense, but in the affection sense.  It seems everyday I plan to make time *just* for Gaby, where we can do something together, and I can devote all my attention to her, but once the baby is in bed, there is washing to be folded, dishes to be done, jobs jobs and more jobs - and next thing I know it's time for Gaby to go to bed.  Gaby doesn't seem to be displaying signs of feeling left out, or feeling like she's not getting enough love, but *I* am aware of it.  I guess once Emersyn is a little older, my parents will be able to take her for an hour or two, and we can REALLY concentrate on having Mummy & Gaby time.

Gaby is adapting really well to having a little sister!  I doubt she could love her anymore than she does - as soon as Emery-Boo wakes up, Gaby is right by her side & doesn't leave until she's back in bed... she is always wanting to touch her, hold her, cuddle her, kiss her - it is so heartwarming, and makes all the dramas of the past 9 months, seem totally worth it.  Because I'm bottle feeding Emersyn now, Gaby is able to help out with that - and I think that has helped her feel 'important' - but has also helped her start to bond more with Emersyn.  I think that in a few weeks time, when Emersyn is taking more in, and actually staying awake for longer than it takes to give her a feed & change her nappy, the two of them will really start to interact.  I can't wait!

Emersyn's father was down for 6 days this week, so he could meet his little girl & spend some time with her... he was very much the doting father, and whenever he was holding her (which was most of the time), he couldn't take his eyes off her.  When he had to leave on Friday, he cried - which I thought was really sweet, and is a nice change from Gaby's father, who has never really seemed terribly fussed about spending time with her, or not.  At this point, he is going to try and get down every 6 weeks for a weekend - hopefully he is able to manage that, it will be beneficial for him, and for Emersyn... no matter how *I* feel about him, I still want him to be an active part of her life, and someone she knows that she can rely on.  On Friday Emersyn met her Nana, and she seemed very smitten as well!  It's nice to know that even though me & Jason aren't together, that his family can look past it, and be happy to see me, and excited about seeing Emersyn & spending time with her.  Her Nana lives down here, so hopefully she will be a somewhat regular feature in Emersyn's life.

Here are a few recent pictures of little miss Emmy

The arrival of Emersyn Lily-May!

ednesday 16th June, at 7am I arrived at the hospital for my elective repeat cesarean. I was taken up to the birthing suite, where they monitored Emersyn's heartbeat for a couple of minutes, and the midwife who was looking after me did some paperwork. I met with the obstetrician who would be performing my cesarean, and soon after that the anaesthetist came in and introduced himself to me. He had to put my IV in, and that was a bit of a mission - he attempted once in my hand and it didn't work - and after he removed the canula (?), I had a big amount of blood come out of my hand, and land all over his pants & the floor. I hoped it wasn't a sign of things to come!

9.30am the obstetrician came and told me it was time! We walked down the corridor, to where the operating theatres were, and it was then that it dawned on me - I was having a baby - VERY soon! My sister was going in with me, and had to wait in the corridor, until they had put my spinal in - I gave her a big hug & in I went. As soon as I was in there, the tears came to my eyes, and I felt very overwhelmed - but in an excited way. The OR staff all introduced themselves, they seemed very relaxed and like nice people, so it helped to keep me somewhat calm.

When they put the spinal in, my midwife held my hands & talked to me - I guess to take my mind of the discomfort of the spinal. It didn't really hurt as such, but it wasn't something I'd want to do everyday! It felt like it took forever to get administered, but it was probably only a couple of minutes. Once it was in the anaesthetist told me I would start feeling warmth in my legs very soon - and almost immediately, on it came. It was such a weird feeling, as the anaesthetic did its job, feeling my legs one moment, and then next knowing they were there, but not being able to feel them.

They got me set up on the operating table, and then my sister came in - and it was time to begin!!!!! I was in a rather happy mood, and laughed with my sister, and my midwife, and chatted with one of the nurses. I could feel pressure on my stomach, and my abdomen moving around, but I had no idea what they were actually doing. It seemed to be taking a long time, and my midwife told me that I had a lot of adhesions in my abdomen, from my first cesarean, so it was taking a bit longer than normal, for them to get to the uterus.

Then the time come - my midwife said to my sister "if you want to take photos of the delivery, you can stand up now and get ready" - as soon as she said that, tears came to my eyes again, I couldn't believe my baby girl was going to be born in the very near future! Again I could feel pulling and tugging, and pressure - but had no real idea what was happening, then my midwife said "here she comes Em" - and the next thing I heard was the cutest little, almost meowing sound, I heard it again, and again - and then I heard an extremely loud, hearty newborn crying.

And the tears started flowing... I was lying on the OR table bawling my eyes out - almost more than Emersyn was!!!!!!! The midwife told my sister she could go over and take photos of them doing the initial post-birth check, and that she could trim the cord if she wanted to, I lay there continuing to cry, so anxious to see my baby, and so relieved she'd arrived. The anaesthetist told me I could move the curtain out of the way a little, and I would be able to see them doing the check. As soon as I did this, and had my first glimpse of my baby girl, a whole new set of tears came.

After her check was done, the midwife brought her over to me, for a kiss, and to have a look... I could barely see her, through the tears - but even with my blurry tear stained vision, I fell immediately in love with this little bundle, who was then being placed in my sisters arms, for a cuddle. Terri sat beside me, holding Emersyn, and I couldn't take my eyes off her... it was then that I noticed that Emersyn had hair!!! Not something most parents would get excited about, but Gaby had no hair until she was 18 months old, so it was quite the novelty for me!!!!

My midwife asked the surgeons if it was okay for me to have skin to skin, and they said it was fine, so my midwife placed Emersyn inside my gown, and I had my first cuddle - and first proper look, at my baby girl. I couldn't stop kissing her soft little cheek, it was an amazing moment... and one that I wish I had been able to have with Gaby, when I had her (the hospital didn't have a skin to skin policy for cesareans, back then).

Around 11.15, I was deemed stable enough to go to recovery. In recovery we continued with the skin to skin, and as the anaesthetic slowly wore off, I was able to take in more of the details of my beautiful daughter.... the fact she had the same lips as her big sister - and the same chubby cheeks.. her tiny little fingers, with the perfect little finger nails, her long eyelashes poking out from underneath her closed eyelids... It really was one of the most blissful, happy, amazing moments of my life.

12.40 we were taken up to the maternity ward - I was a little sad because 1pm-3pm were no visiting hours, so my parents & Gaby weren't able to come up until 3pm. It was lovely seeing Gaby with Emersyn - you could see that she fell in love with her immediately! We were discharged from hospital at midday on Sunday... it was great to finally get home, and to be able to get on with our life as a new little family.

Emersyn Lily-May Oakden
16 June 2010, 10.10am
8lb0oz, 21.7"
little sister to Gabrielle Jayda-Leigh

waiting for it all to begin

seconds old

skin to skin, in recovery

my little family is complete!

the proud big sister, having her first cuddle

asleep on Mummy's bed

ready to go home

Two days to go!

TWO DAYS AND EMERSYN WILL BE HERE!

I cannot believe I am at the point in my pregnancy, where Emersyn's arrival is close!!!  Two days and my baby girl will be here - hopefully this time in 48 hours she'll already be here, meaning I have less than two days to go!  Technically....

Today I have to go to the hospital, for my pre-admission appointment with the anaesthesiologist & hospital midwife - and I will be given the actual time for my cesarean!  The appointment apparently takes an hour, and it should by all rights, be my last appointment - while pregnant, at the hospital!  They will be giving me some forms to get bloods taken tomorrow, and then after that......... it's all go!  I just need to make it through tomorrow in one piece, and attempt to sleep tomorrow night (that may be a mission!).

Tomorrow my sister also arrives, so I will be picking her up at the airport, and then we are going for a pre-baby coffee at the mall!  Gaby doesn't know that Terri is coming up yet, so when it is time for pre-school pick up, I am going to just get my sister to go in - lol it will blow Gaby's mind to be picked up by her Aunty Terri!!!!!!!!

I'm trying to make the most of my last couple of days of pregnancy - trying to pay as much attention as I can to how it feels when Emersyn moves, how my body feels in general... the anticipation and excitement... the nerves... because I'm never going to experience any of this again!  As much as I am sad about that, I don't suddenly have the inclination to say "no, I don't want a tubal ligation anymore" - so I know that it is the right choice for me... but as I said - still sad.  I am feeling right now, as if my family will be complete, once Emersyn is safely in my arms - and to be honest, it feels great.  

I don't think I'll be taking anymore belly photos, so here is my last one, taken at 38w4d...

by rights, the next photo of Emersyn that I post - should be OF Emersyn, in the flesh - not hidden by all my flesh!

... and for good measure, a recent picture of my BIG girl!

Gaby is starting to get excited too - I think realising that it is only two days away - a concept she can actually grasp, has made it more real to her... I truly cannot wait for that moment when she first lays eyes on her little sister... nor for that moment when she kisses her for the first time.  And like a true emotional, pregnant woman - I am now crying, so shall sign off..........

Full term!

Today, I am officially full term!!!!!!!!!!!

Emersyn now has my permission, to arrive whenever she feels she's ready - preferably not on a Monday or Tuesday, but if she's that way inclined, so be it!  A very weird thought to think that in 2 weeks time - at the latest - my long awaited baby girl, will FINALLY be here...  I am feeling very relaxed about everything, quite at peace really, just a little impatient!!!!!  I know deep down I'll be waiting until my cesarean date to meet Emersyn, but the thought that she could arrive at any stage now, is very exciting!

Gaby is on her first ever school trip today - preschool are taking her class, to the closest library - in a bus!  Gaby was so excited about it, before we left for preschool, and I have to admit, I was (am) VERY excited for her to!  Suddenly she is doing all these 'big kid' things, and it is making me realise that she's not my baby anymore... well, she'll always be my 'baby', but she's growing so fast...  It's amazing.. I feel priveleged to be able to observe her everyday... to be there when she learns something new, or makes a realisation about the way the world works.  It's the best part of being a Mummy!

The free gift that has kept on giving - for 45-ish years!

When we were young, my Nana had a small suitcase of wooden, coloured blocks - that we LOVED, I would go as far as to say they were our favourite of the myriad of toys, at Nanas house.  I remember playing with them when I was around 4 - and I remember watching my 'little' cousins playing with them when I was around 12.  There were rectangular blocks, square blocks, half circle blocks & rectangle blocks with an arch in the middle (obviously the half circle blocks, were cut out, leaving these arches)... they were all painted yellow, red & green... very basic, homemade - but still SO much fun.

A couple of years ago, my Nana & Step-Grandad, moved away from Oamaru, and all the children were invited to come & claim various pieces of furniture etc, which were going to be surplus to requirements, here in Christchurch (they moved from a large 2 storey house, to a small villa, at a retirement village).  My parents were awesome enough, as to claim these blocks for Gaby - and when I saw them for the first time, it was like a blast from the past - in a very pleasant, sentimental way!

Lately Gaby has started playing with these blocks all the time - she makes roads, she makes towers, she makes houses, she makes shops - anything that little imagination of hers desires.  We went and visited Nana on Friday - and I was amazed to find she had a whole bunch of the old toys we used to play with, in her wardrobe, for my young cousins to play with.  We got talking about the old toys, and how fun they were, how much we remember - and then I told Nana that Gaby had taken to playing with 'the blocks' - and Nana was amazed.

She then told me where they had come from...

Her & my Grandfather (who passed away, when Dad was 12) had been driving to [or from] Dunedin, and saw a red netting bag, on the side of the road - they pulled over to inspect the bag, and found the blocks inside.. obviously they'd fallen from a trailer, or something along those lines.  They picked the blocks up & took them home with them...  Dad & his 3 siblings played with them for years.  Me, my sister & our cousins played with them for years.. & now generation #3 has started playing with them - and I plan to ensure that generation #4 & onward also get the chance to play with them!

4 weeks until.. 6 weeks until...

In 4 weeks time I will be considered full term.

In 6 weeks time,  I will be welcoming Emersyn Lily-May in to the world!

This pregnancy has gone so fast, and I am amazed that I'm already in the 'final countdown' stages!  Physically I'm getting a lot more uncomfortable, particularly my ribs - especially when sitting at the computer.  I'm finding it a lot harder to get myself dressed in the morning, and sometimes wish I could ask Gaby to help me.  Emotionally I think I'm doing good!  I've had a few freak outs lately, but I've been working really really hard, on trying to remain calm and rational, when it does happen - and it seems to work.

I'm enjoying my last few weeks, with it just being Gaby & I... trying to do a couple of really special things each week, so that Gaby realises that she is still just as important to me as ever - if not more so.  I am so anxious to find out what life will be like with two children, if it'll be easier than I expect - or harder... I'm guessing it's like the rest of parenting - a lot of awesome, mixed in with some not-so-awesome.  I think that of anything, I am the most excited at seeing Gaby with Emersyn, for the very first time.  Just thinking of that brings tears to my eyes.  I just can't wait to see the exact second where Gaby turns from only child - to big sister....  Ahhh, here come the tears again!

My cousins girlfriend found out a couple of weeks ago that she is pregnant, and I am so over the moon for both of them!  It wasn't planned, and it's been a bit of a rocky road for them, trying to decide what to do - but today S. told me officially, that I WILL be getting a 2nd cousin around Christmas time!  My cousin is going to be an awesome Daddy - he's worried that he isn't ready, but he's the type of guy you just need to look at, to know that he has what it takes.  And S - she is going to be a fabulous Mama!  She's excellent with Gaby, and told me she has already fallen madly in love with the little one growing inside of her.  It's going to be quite exciting, to welcome another baby into the world, so soon after Emersyn!  I really like the fact that Emersyn is going to have a little 'cousin' (3rd cousin), so close in age to her.  It'd be lovely if they could grow up, nice & close!

New beginnings... there is nothing better!

Next month, I shall be a mother of 2!

It is now May 1st, here in New Zealand - so I can officially say "next month, Emersyn will be here!".  How long have I waited to say those words?  It used to feel like this time would never roll around, but here it is... and looking back, the time has actually gone exceptionally fast!!!!!!  I am now 32 weeks pregnant, and it still feels - at times, as if I am counting down the days, until my gender ultrasound!

I had another growth ultrasound on Wednesday, and Emersyn is STILL measuring above the 90th percentile for her weight, and around the 80th for general body size.  The high risk ob said that the body measurements were all great, however she has an enormous head - but when I told her that Gaby had a huge head at birth (37.5cm/15in), she said it is quite possible that I just have babies, with big heads!  If Emersyn's weight is still above the 90th percentile, at the next growth scan, the high risk ob has said she'll send me for the GTT again.  I passed the GTT at 28w, easily - but she said that it (GD) can develop later than 28 weeks.  I don't mind having to do the test again, I'd sooner be safe than sorry... but I think I am just growing a naturally big baby!

I noticed Gaby had a little sore on her mouth, a few days ago - and presumed it was a coldsore... it didn't seem to bother her, but yesterday she started getting new sores, popping up every hour.  That naturally got my spidey/mummy senses tingling, so I took her into the pharmacy & the pharmacist said it looked like impetigo.  Having had that 10 years ago, I knew how unpleasant it was, if it was left untreated - so luckily got her in to the doctor later in the afternoon.  She's now had 4 doses of cream & antibiotics, and her mouth is looking a LOT better - definately less red, and the smaller sores have all but disappeared!

Bit weird to think that there are only another 6 weeks or so, of life being 'just me and Gaby'...  It's all a little bittersweet really....

Balance.. it's all about balance...

I have felt quite bad lately - I have been purchasing a lot of new clothes for Emersyn - albeit second hand clothing - but new clothing all the same... but I haven't been buying a heck of a lot for Gaby, I guess because she HAS clothes, and I'm not in the whole pre-baby "omg I am sooo unprepared" mindset, with her.  So this week, I made an effort to purchase a few items for Gaby - so that she wouldn't feel left out...

... and luckily it worked!  We usually go out on Thursday morning & pick up my various TradeMe (like EBay) auction wins, and Gaby spends time 'ooing and ahhhing' over all the baby clothes, but you can tell she feels a little sad that there is nothing for her.  This week I gave her a package & she looked at me in astonishment "Mummy - this isn't going to fit Emersyn!", so I told her "No Gaby - that's because it's for you!!!", and she yelled at the top of her lungs "THANK YOU SO MUCH MUMMY, YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!"... which of course is always nice to hear, and it makes it seem all the more worthwhile, when she shows so much appreciation.

I guess I get a bit carried away, shopping for Em - and Gaby is so good and doesn't say "but I want something too", so I tend to... well, not forget about her - but just put off buying something for her.  With Emersyn's arrival approaching (under 8 weeks to go!), I have realised that I need to start ensuring Gaby feels just as important as Emersyn, and that her needs aren't put to the side, while I have a little fit of 'must get prepared for baby'.  I have made the decision that for each item I purchase Emersyn - I am going to purchase one for Gaby... I think that is fair - it'll help Gab feel like she's still important, and just as special (because she most certainly is!!!), and probably get me into good habits for when Em actually is here!

The Gaby Inquisition

Gaby has reached a new milestone - asking questions!  All of a sudden, I am being asked questions on a regular basis, which there isn't an obvious answer to - and I'm a little unsure how to handle it!

This morning, on the way to preschool, Gaby asked me "Mummy, who made outside??"...  We are not a religious family, so I didn't see it as a chance for a conversation about god, but I did want to answer her question, in a way that would make sense to her, and in a way that would get her attention and encourage her to think further about it.  I ended up talking to her about seeds - how they grow new plants/grass/trees/bushes/flowers/etc, and how they are spread around.. the role the wind plays, the role that birds play, etc etc.  I hoped that it would be a suitable explanation for her - and it seems that it was, because we spoke about it the whole way to preschool (15 minutes or so)!

I do want her to be naturally inquisitive, to feel she can ask questions - so that I can assist her learning, but I'm fast realising that I'm going to need to be armed with resources, for when she asks a question that isn't so easy to answer!!!  It would be easy to just say "I don't know hunny" - and leave it at that, but that isn't really making the most of the opportunity for learning, so I would prefer to be able to say "I don't know - lets have a look at a book/website that will teach us both about how/why/etc ___________ happens".  I see it as a way to encourage her learning, and independent thought - but also another form of activity that we can do together, and bond over.

After our little talk today about seeds, I am going to try and track down some seeds that will grow quickly, inside - so she can see for herself what happens, rather than just taking my word for it.  I have always been more of a visual learner, and it may well be that Gaby is too... and I want to do what I can to help out!

This is the first time I've felt like I'm dealing with a child, rather than just a 'little kid' or 'my 3 year old'.  She is asking mature questions, she is using mature thought... it's all a little scary & a little exciting, at the same time! 

Single Parenting... Alone...

I am a single parent - but I never really feel like I'm 'alone' as such, mainly because my parents are so close at hand, and have been such a great support to me, ever since I got pregnant with Gaby.

I realised last night now different it is going to be, when I bring Emersyn home from the hospital.  When I had Gaby - we were living at my parents, so although I was a 'single parent' I wasn't doing it alone - I was living with two other adults, who helped out where they could.  They never took over the role of parent, they never made decisions about Gaby, they never once told me what to do with her - but they were there with advice when I asked for it, they were there with supportive words when I was feeling stuck.. they were just *there*, in a sense 'overlooking' the whole thing.

Baby Gaby & Poppa, relaxing in front of the TV

Baby Gaby & Nan, having a post-work cuddle

With Emersyn, I AM going to be ALONE.  When I come home from the hospital, Mum isn't going to be there cooking dinner, Dad isn't going to be there being funny, Dad won't be there, getting up at 6.45am (for work) when I am up with Emersyn... Mum won't steal her away for hugs, and make it code for "go and have a little time to yourself".  I'm not going to have anyone overlooking me.. or Emersyn... I'm going to be flying solo. 

It's going to be so much different than it was with Gaby, there is just going to be me, to be in charge of every single aspect of our lives!  I am not worried about it, not scared, not wishing it was different - it will be lovely being alone with my girls, but it is going to be DIFFERENT.  My parents are only a ten minute drive away from my house, and I know that they'll still be just as supportive as they were, when I had Gaby... but they won't be RIGHT THERE, when I look left or right, or call out down the hallway.

I have been on my own with Gaby for close enough to 2 1/2 years, but it's going to be weird, being alone with Emersyn, right from the word go.  Of course I have the benefit of having already parented a newborn/infant - so I'm sure it won't be as hard as it was with Gaby, but it will be strange... in a way, it kind of feels as if I've taken off the training wheels... or I'm gong on my first solo flight....

Me & my girl

excited at the prospect of adding another princess to the household

Sadly, last night our precious kitty cat - Fluffy, was killed by a hit & run driver.  A lady who lives over the road happened to be out for a walk and saw the whole thing happen, and got a friend of hers to alert me.  She died almost instantly, so didn't suffer too long.  I did think however that Gaby would suffer for a long time, and had no idea how to tell her.

I ended up just being honest - I told her that someone in a car had hit Fluffy when she was crossing the road, and that Fluffy was now dead - that she wasn't breathing, or moving, that she couldn't run around with Gaby anymore, that Gaby wouldn't be able to play with her, and that she'd be getting buried in the ground at Nan & Poppa's.  I waited for the tears...

No tears followed.  Instead she gave me these little gems....

- "Fluffy is naughty because she didn't look before she crossed the road, and that's what happens if you don't look!"

- "Wow!  Fluffy died really well!!!!!"

- [regarding Poppa digging a hole in his garden for Fluffy] "I want to have a hole too!!!!!!!"

.... she certainly knows how to make light of a sad situation!

Gaby's exciting news...

Yesterday I got a phone call from the administrator at Gaby's preschool, and it turns out that a place has opened up in the Flintstones part of the preschool - which is the LAST area of preschool, before they start school - and they would love Gaby to take the place!!!!!!!!

It's bittersweet.. when she started out, she was a Muppet Baby... then she went to the Pooh Bears... then she moved on to the other end of the preschool & became a Bananas In Pyjama's kid.... and now.. *gulp* they want her to move in with the big kids... she's getting so big, and old and... she really isn't my baby anymore!  Of course it's also very exciting, that the teachers feel she's ready to make the move, I didn't think she'd be moving there until she was closer to 4 - she's not even 3 1/2 yet!!!!!  

Like I said to my parents - the next step after she's been a Flintstone, is SCHOOL!!!!!!!!

eek!

Kids say the darndest (most embarassing!) things

Gaby has always been very talkative - I have always been so proud of her language development, to be honest, it has blown me away.  However I learnt today, it does have its downside...

We were at our usual Friday visit to the mall with Nan (my Mum) - Gaby told me she wanted to go to the toilet.  The parents room was busy, so I just took her to the normal public toilets & stood at the door while she did her business...  All of a sudden she YELLS out to me:
"Mummy - I just did poos that was so big, it splashed my bottom and vagina!!!!"

... I heard a few giggles & a few gasps from the surrounding stalls - naturally the toilets were full, so probably around 15 people heard this little outburst....  Gaby came out looking very proud of herself, and then when a couple of ladies were pointing at her & laughing, she said to me "Mummy why are those ladies being nosy??"... I quickly washed her hands and we bolted out of there...  But I'm sure she left a lasting impression on every person in that public toilet!

I'm sorry I don't live up to your standards...

warning:  I'm pregnant & hormonal, very emotional & having a bad day.....


Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I was the failure of the family, the one who would disappoint everyone, would never amount to much in the eyes of everyone else...

& here I am today, 26 - and bawling my eyes out, because it has never been more clear to me, that my worries when I was a little girl, turned out to be 100% spot on.  The only people in my family who I feel do love me for me, and don't wish I was anything BUT myself, are my parents - and I guess that is a good thing, or pure luck...

Here is a list of the ways in which I am sub-par as a human being - in their eyes

1. I'm 26, and have never been married - was briefly engaged - to a woman - so obviously that doesn't count - I must have just been 'going through a phase'
2. I have two children, who have two different fathers & I'm in a relationship with neither.  Never mind that it is in my best interests, and my girls best interests, for me to not be in relationships with their fathers
3. I'm obese - I will never be skinny, I will never be athletic and toned, and when I do lose weight, why congratulate me?  I'll obviously just put the weight on again.. support & encouragement isn't really that important!
4. My longest relationship has been 15 months, and obviously I did things wrong, otherwise, why would he have broken up with me?  Surely the problem wasn't with him!  Must have been Emma
5. I am living off the domestic purposes benefit, rather than working - who cares that it was a decision I made, because I felt it was best for *my* daughter, to have her mother with her as much as possible in the early years of her life - obviously it'd be better for her to only see her mother at nights, in the same way she only sees her father one day a week
6. I don't have a huge career, I haven't finished a university degree, I guess the fact that I am happy working an average job, for average pay doesn't mean anything.  I should aspire to be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, a teacher... something exciting and interesting - definately a job I can't leave at work at the end of the day, something that I have to bring home with me, so my children get a little of my attention, but work gets more....
7. I'm not a 100% straight, heterosexual woman!  Obviously I feel more attracted to women than men, just because I can't find a nice man to settle down with.. yes, that's got to be it!

I hate that I can't be loved because I am simply *me*...  My sister, my cousins - they all have their flaws, their dirty little secrets - but because they're living the life everyone thinks they should live, well - it doesn't matter!!!  Because I am happy being a Mum - and putting that before having a career, it doesn't mean that I don't have aspirations - I do, it also doesn't mean that I am unhappy with my life - because I am NOT. 

Everyday with Gaby is a fabulous day, even if I am feeling down, just looking at her makes me smile, hearing the words "I love you Mummy" makes everything great again, seeing her accomplish something new makes me feel wonderful about myself - reiterates that I am a good Mum, and that my daughter isn't missing out on anything, just because she doesn't have a 'normal' family (ie Mum/Dad living together).  Everytime Emersyn kicks me, I feel a huge surge of love, and can't help but smile - everytime I think about meeting her, tears come to my eyes, because I cannot wait for that day.  Being a Mum IS what makes me happy, it's what I feel I'm meant to be doing.  But why isn't that good enough for everyone else??

"week 22 - you may have noticed your centre of gravity has changed"

In one of my pregnancy books, for 22 weeks I read "you may have noticed your centre of gravity has changed", and I figured that yes mine had, but not substantially.

That was until today when I was taking an armload of stuff (ie crap) out to the garage to put in the rubbish bin - and managed to fall down the stairs!!!!  I don't know how I did it, but I think my foot may have slipped or something - and next thing I knew I was fall off the side of the steps, scraping my toes, feet, legs & hands on the way down.. I kind of dived along the ground, before rolling onto my side.  My first worry was that I'd hurt the baby, but I didn't hit my belly at all, and didn't really fall from a massive distance.  I got inside and admittedly was crying - a huge chunk of nail came off one of my big toes, and then a big chunk of skin off the side of my opposite little toe.. one of my feet has a big graze, as does the shin & knee of the opposite leg!

Gaby was a good little paramedic, she got me some toilet paper and the bandaids - but then she looked at me with a very serious look on her face & said to me...
"Mummy - that is why we don't wear jandles [thongs, flip-flops] isn't it"
that was admittedly very cute, and made me laugh - she sounded so very grown up!

I think from now on, I'm not going to carry any big loads of 'stuff' down the stairs, I will have to do it in little trips I think!!!  I'm just glad that none of my neighbours from the three surrounding units saw it happen - wasn't exactly my most graceful move!  I've not fallen down stairs in YEARS... but now with all this added weight in front, I'm obviously not as stable as I once was!

I have had a few movements since it happened, so am hoping that means that everything is okay in there... I will keep note of her movements for the next day though, incase there is an obvious decrease.. but I'm thinking that because I landed on my hands & knees, that everything should be okay..

the best fight ever!

Just a short post today.... the mall is calling our name!

I just had a huge screaming fight with Gaby - about who loves who the most.  It really just consisted of us both yelling at each other:
"I love you"
"NO - I love YOU!"
"NO - I love YOU!"

over and over and over and over... with lots of giggling thrown in for good measure...  It's so fun that Gaby is getting to the age where we can be silly like this together!!

Now to convince her that she really can't wear her togs (bathing suit) to the mall!!!!!!

Who said that bribery doesn't work?!

Last year - January-ish, Gaby had her first 'proper' vomit - sadly it happened in her bed, while she was asleep.  After that one incident, Gaby became VERY anti-her-bed, and most nights ended up sleeping with me.  It went on for months - I tried everything I could think of to try to get her back in her bed - changed her room around, got her a cool new bedside lamp, got her new sheets, got her a new duvet, took the bed off its legs so she was on the base - on the floor.. It never worked though.  Most nights I would fight a losing battle, then give in & let her get in my bed.

Around August she FINALLY started sleeping in her bed again - it was great, but then in October she got sick - and spent a couple of nights in my bed with me (at that time Jason was living with us), and after that, she became a frequent visitor in my bed - and slowly got back into her old ways - of not wanting to sleep in her bed.  It was hard for me, because obviously Jason was here - and we wanted time to ourselves in bed, but at the same time - my daughter was feeling upset, my daughter obviously needed that extra security, that being near me at night, brought to her...  A few nights Jason would get home from work & Gaby would be in our bed with me, and by then I was in the 1st trimester and exhausted by 4pm, I never had the energy to get up & move her - especially when I knew it would be a fight to get her to stay in her bed....  That was part of what ended up breaking us up - he thought I was indulging her, that I let her away with too much - that she should sleep in her own bed.. I understood what he was saying - but I also knew that Gaby NEEDED me, and that I wanted her to feel secure... so I couldn't win either way.  

After we broke up & he moved out, I decided that it wasn't worth all the stress & anxiety - on BOTH of us, to get her sleeping back in her bed again, so since then she has been sleeping with me everynight - I didn't have any problems with it, infact it was nice to be so close to her, and to wake up to her every morning.  BUT I did know that the time would come when she'd have to get back in her bed - and I knew it had to be before the baby arrived....  I have been telling her for the past few weeks, that she will need to sleep in her bed eventually - and then yesterday I decided that it was time....

I told Gaby that she'd be sleeping in her bed that night, and she didn't argue - we went and tidied her room, I made her bed up with new sheets & put a new duvet on - let her put all her soft toys on the bed, and basically did what I could to make her feel comfortable with being back in *her* bed.  Admittedly I also used a bit of bribery.  She has been asking me for awhile now, for some Dora socks - but I'd said no, because they seem rediculously priced, compared to the non-label socks I could get her... but I told her if she slept in her bed last night & tonight, that I'll buy her some Dora socks.  Seemed to do the trick too!

Bedtime rolled around,  I took her to her room & she got in bed - she was a bit tearful, but I stood my ground.  I indulged her in her few minutes of stalling tactics - getting her a drink, getting her a toy from the lounge, putting a new blanket on top of her, etc etc, but then told her it was time for bed & that she had to get under the covers.  She started crying & asked if I could stay with her, so I told her of course I would - but she had to snuggle down & close her eyes and go to sleep.. I thought that would cause mass protest - but it didn't!!!

She did JUST AS I ASKED!  She got under the sheets, snuggled down - closed her eyes - and within about 5 minutes, was sound asleep!!!  I was shocked - I really had expected more of a fight than that.  I stayed on her bed for about 10 minutes after she went to sleep, to make sure that she was properly asleep.. then I snuck out to the lounge - and didn't hear her again until about 5-6am this morning, when she hopped in bed with me!!!!!

I was so proud of her, and told her so - and of course she asked about the socks... so I told her if she sleeps in her bed again tonight (like our agreement was), that we'd go buy her socks, after we do the groceries tomorrow morning!  Fingers crossed (very tightly) that she sleeps in her bed again tonight - I think if we can get a few nights in a row, she's more likely to stay there...  

It's a good day in Mummy-land!

a couple of exciting pregnancy firsts!

This weekend I both felt Emersyn move from the outside - and saw her move from the outside!  I possibly got more excited than I should have - but it's something I didn't experience a lot of, when I was pregnant with Gaby (partly due to having an anterior placenta, partly due to having so much extra 'padding').  It felt really good to reach these milestones, and so early, compared with my pregnancy with Gaby.  I'm sure that with her I was 30+ weeks, before either of those happened, but this time it was 21w3d/21w4d.  Very cool!

I've noticed a lot of change in Emersyn in the past week - her movements are a lot harder, and I'm feeling them a lot higher (above my belly button) - I also often get a kick up high & a punch down low, within a couple of seconds of each other... always makes me smile when I feel her kicking.  Her movements seem to be a lot more regular now as well - so there isn't the same stress & anxiety if I haven't felt something for a few hours.  I have noticed that she doesn't kick me when I'm lying down in bed at night - so obviously that is now her sleepy time - because for about 3 weeks it was a time I knew I would get kicked a lot.  First night it worried me, but then I woke up at 4am & felt a lot of kicks, so figured she'd changed her sleeping pattern!

I'm starting to get a little worried about making sure I have enough clothes etc for her, for when she's born.  I really wish I hadn't gone and sold most of Gaby's newborn clothes - I could really do with them now!  I am going to need to clean out Gaby's wardrobe, because I know there are some bags of clothes in there, and bags of blankets etc etc - I really have no idea what I'll find!  

It feels so strange to be organising all Gaby's old stuff, for a new baby to wear - takes me back to when Gaby fit into the teeny tiny little clothes - and now they probably wouldn't fit on her foot!!!!!  I enjoy telling Gaby about when she was a baby, and how she used to wear certain outfits, do certain things - I think she thinks it's all a big fabrication - because as she tells me "but I'm a big girl Mummy!!!".  Very cute.  She loves looking at the bassinet, sometimes she'll just stand by it, and run her hand up and down the fabric, with this wistful look on her face.  

I can't wait until there is a baby in that bassinet!!!!

Love you times infinity

One of the sweetest moments of my parenting life happened today, while driving in the car with Gaby.  She was in her carseat in the passenger seat, because I had a whole bunch of boxes in the backseat & boot - she looked at me & smiled and said "Mummy, I love you" - then took my hand in hers, and held it the whole way home - a good 20 minute trip.  Luckily the road was very much straight & easy to drive with one hand!  

Everyone asks me how much trouble I'm having with Gaby, being that I have a baby on the way, and she's at an 'awkward age' - and it bothers me that EVERYONE ASKS, because to be honest - Gaby is wonderful!!!!!  The only time I have troubles with her, is when she's tired and needs to go to sleep.  She is funny, she is sweet, she does as she asks, she's excited about the baby coming, she loves having cuddles, she always tells me she loves me, she's always making me laugh.. there are none of the tantrums or bad behaviour that everyone seems to expect that she'll be displaying.  

Truth be told - I have never loved Gaby more than I do right this second, and I almost cry when I look at her, and think about how wonderful she is.  She really is a treasure, and such an easy child.  I have pulled her out of kindergarten, because I missed having the time to spend with her, when she was at kindergarten... she's still going to preschool, but she isn't going to kindergarten for the 3 afternoons a week, that she was going. 

I always thought the saying "Love you to the moon and back" was just a romantic bit of hooplah - but now I completely understand it - and I DO love Gaby 'to the moon and back'.. I love her times inifinity!

Happy 2010!

It has been 2010 for 7 hours, 49 minutes now - and so far, the year is off to a good start - by that I mean I got to sleep in, until 7.30!  Wow...  I've been trying to decide if 2009 was a good year, or a bad year for me, and I think that in general it was a good year.  Though I had some things happen that were bad, there was also a tonne of good mixed in... I got to learn more about myself, I experienced love, I got pregnant & of course I got to watch Miss Gaby growing up, even more... & seeing her developing from a toddler, to a child, has been one of the highlights of my LIFE. 

It's amazing, thinking that she was once as tiny as this baby is now, that she was once a helpless newborn, that she was once incapable of moving around, that she relied on me to feed her, to dress her, to change her nappies.... & now she dresses herself, feeds herself, goes to the toilet by herself, talks up a storm, is aware of the world around her, she can count to 10 (well she can count to 'eleventy')... she's an clever, healthy, cheerful, wise, insightful, just simply wonderful, young child!

2010 is going to be a crazy, exciting year for me - and for Gaby...  There are now approximately 23-24 weeks until this little bundle of joy will be born - we are getting well down toward the 'last half' of the pregnancy, and it is exciting, yet scary - all at the same time!!  Baby is starting to move a lot more now, which is reassuring - but I find that if he/she doesn't move for a few hours, it causes me to freak out that something is wrong, and that whole feeling sort of takes me over, until baby decides to humour me, and gives me a few obvious kicks.  It will be good to get to the point of my pregnancy, where the movements are regular & more than obvious... I just try to remind myself that a few more weeks and it will be a bit less nervewracking, but that doesn't mean the next few weeks won't go slowly!  I think I am starting to get a bit of a belly - well, my shape is changing anyway.  I'm very overweight, so I probably won't LOOK obviously pregnant (to others) until closer to the third trimester - that kind of upsets me, but I guess I am used to it, after being pregnant with Gaby.  I 'popped' at 26w0d last time, which was a lot later than most of the women in my DDC... but I think it *may* happen earlier this time.. sure hope so!

To everyone who reads this:  I hope you & your family have a wonderful 2010, and that it is full of joy & wonder!