The arrival of Emersyn Lily-May!

ednesday 16th June, at 7am I arrived at the hospital for my elective repeat cesarean. I was taken up to the birthing suite, where they monitored Emersyn's heartbeat for a couple of minutes, and the midwife who was looking after me did some paperwork. I met with the obstetrician who would be performing my cesarean, and soon after that the anaesthetist came in and introduced himself to me. He had to put my IV in, and that was a bit of a mission - he attempted once in my hand and it didn't work - and after he removed the canula (?), I had a big amount of blood come out of my hand, and land all over his pants & the floor. I hoped it wasn't a sign of things to come!

9.30am the obstetrician came and told me it was time! We walked down the corridor, to where the operating theatres were, and it was then that it dawned on me - I was having a baby - VERY soon! My sister was going in with me, and had to wait in the corridor, until they had put my spinal in - I gave her a big hug & in I went. As soon as I was in there, the tears came to my eyes, and I felt very overwhelmed - but in an excited way. The OR staff all introduced themselves, they seemed very relaxed and like nice people, so it helped to keep me somewhat calm.

When they put the spinal in, my midwife held my hands & talked to me - I guess to take my mind of the discomfort of the spinal. It didn't really hurt as such, but it wasn't something I'd want to do everyday! It felt like it took forever to get administered, but it was probably only a couple of minutes. Once it was in the anaesthetist told me I would start feeling warmth in my legs very soon - and almost immediately, on it came. It was such a weird feeling, as the anaesthetic did its job, feeling my legs one moment, and then next knowing they were there, but not being able to feel them.

They got me set up on the operating table, and then my sister came in - and it was time to begin!!!!! I was in a rather happy mood, and laughed with my sister, and my midwife, and chatted with one of the nurses. I could feel pressure on my stomach, and my abdomen moving around, but I had no idea what they were actually doing. It seemed to be taking a long time, and my midwife told me that I had a lot of adhesions in my abdomen, from my first cesarean, so it was taking a bit longer than normal, for them to get to the uterus.

Then the time come - my midwife said to my sister "if you want to take photos of the delivery, you can stand up now and get ready" - as soon as she said that, tears came to my eyes again, I couldn't believe my baby girl was going to be born in the very near future! Again I could feel pulling and tugging, and pressure - but had no real idea what was happening, then my midwife said "here she comes Em" - and the next thing I heard was the cutest little, almost meowing sound, I heard it again, and again - and then I heard an extremely loud, hearty newborn crying.

And the tears started flowing... I was lying on the OR table bawling my eyes out - almost more than Emersyn was!!!!!!! The midwife told my sister she could go over and take photos of them doing the initial post-birth check, and that she could trim the cord if she wanted to, I lay there continuing to cry, so anxious to see my baby, and so relieved she'd arrived. The anaesthetist told me I could move the curtain out of the way a little, and I would be able to see them doing the check. As soon as I did this, and had my first glimpse of my baby girl, a whole new set of tears came.

After her check was done, the midwife brought her over to me, for a kiss, and to have a look... I could barely see her, through the tears - but even with my blurry tear stained vision, I fell immediately in love with this little bundle, who was then being placed in my sisters arms, for a cuddle. Terri sat beside me, holding Emersyn, and I couldn't take my eyes off her... it was then that I noticed that Emersyn had hair!!! Not something most parents would get excited about, but Gaby had no hair until she was 18 months old, so it was quite the novelty for me!!!!

My midwife asked the surgeons if it was okay for me to have skin to skin, and they said it was fine, so my midwife placed Emersyn inside my gown, and I had my first cuddle - and first proper look, at my baby girl. I couldn't stop kissing her soft little cheek, it was an amazing moment... and one that I wish I had been able to have with Gaby, when I had her (the hospital didn't have a skin to skin policy for cesareans, back then).

Around 11.15, I was deemed stable enough to go to recovery. In recovery we continued with the skin to skin, and as the anaesthetic slowly wore off, I was able to take in more of the details of my beautiful daughter.... the fact she had the same lips as her big sister - and the same chubby cheeks.. her tiny little fingers, with the perfect little finger nails, her long eyelashes poking out from underneath her closed eyelids... It really was one of the most blissful, happy, amazing moments of my life.

12.40 we were taken up to the maternity ward - I was a little sad because 1pm-3pm were no visiting hours, so my parents & Gaby weren't able to come up until 3pm. It was lovely seeing Gaby with Emersyn - you could see that she fell in love with her immediately! We were discharged from hospital at midday on Sunday... it was great to finally get home, and to be able to get on with our life as a new little family.

Emersyn Lily-May Oakden
16 June 2010, 10.10am
8lb0oz, 21.7"
little sister to Gabrielle Jayda-Leigh

waiting for it all to begin

seconds old

skin to skin, in recovery

my little family is complete!

the proud big sister, having her first cuddle

asleep on Mummy's bed

ready to go home

Happy Birthday, Gaby!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY GIRL!

Gaby, 8.30am - Oct 26, 2010 - 7 1/2 hours old

Today is Gaby's 3rd birthday!!!!  We woke up at 6.30am, I got out the remainder of her birthday presents & she opened them.  She LOVED the LeapFrog 'Scribble & Write', and kept calling it her 'computer', she played with it for a good half hour or so, which I thought was impressive!  She kept telling us "it's my happy birthday today, I'm 3" - verrrrry cute, you could tell she feels like she's oh-so-important today!

Gaby & Mummy cuddles 

approx 19 hours old

Wow, so this time three years ago, we were just awaiting our first visit from Poppa, on his way to work.  We'd been back in our room for about 2 hours - after a 3 1/2 hour stint in the recovery room...  I'd have been feeling pretty doped up on the pain relief they had given me after my caesarean, and I wouldn't be able to take my eyes, off the precious baby girl who was sleeping in her little bassinet, right next to me.  That first day was so surreal, I guess in part because of the drugs, but also because my dream had finally come true, and it felt like it was a dream...  I couldn't believe that *I* had a baby, that *I* was a Mummy - lovely things like that didn't happen to me, they happened to other people!

2 days old

What have i learnt in my 3 years as a Mama?  I've learnt you will never love someone, as much as you love your own child/ren... I've learnt that baby kisses are the best...  That hearing the words 'I love you Mummy', is the magic fix-all...  I've learnt that kids have a mind of their own and you often need to change your parenting 'strategy', to work best with them... I've learnt that you WILL lose your temper with your child - but that when they are asleep, no matter how devilish they've been during the day - your heart will still be overwhelmed with love.  I've learnt so much more than that, but those are some of the main lessons...

A couple of weeks old

-----------------------------------

Now for the 'downer'...  I woke up this morning & am now bleeding, so I *know* that I am going to miscarry in the very near future.  If it was anyone else, I'd say "stay positive - spotting/bleeding in early pregnancy isn't unheard of", but for *me*, I know what it means.. I've been here too many times, to believe that the outcome of this bleeding, can be anything other than the 'norm' - a miscarriage.  Right now I am just focusing on the fact that I have Gaby, that she's alive, happy & healthy....  It's the most imnportant thing.. right!

I've started spotting

Just before going to the toilet this morning, I thought to myself "I was this far along when I miscarried in 2005"... I wiped - and realised I had started spotting.  Naturally I freaked out, burst into tears - I told Jason what was happening and he was wonderful, held me while I cried, talked to me soothingly - he was everything I needed him to be.  I told him that although spotting early in pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean a miscarriage, that in *my* history it HAS meant a miscarriage, and that I had no reason to believe it would be different this time.

Everyone has told me to think positive, to try not to stress, but that is so impossible for me.  I really have TRIED to be positive, but all I am feeling like right now, is a failure... and I *know* that this is the start of a miscarriage for me, that I'm not one of the lucky women whose bleeding is 'innocent' and doesn't effect the viability of their pregnancy.  That's just not me.  I think I have come to terms with the fact I'll most likely lose the baby too, and that I'll be adding to my list of angel babies.  No amount of positive thinking is going to change the outcome - in my opinion anyway.

I just HATE that this is happening NOW.  Gaby's 3rd birthday is TOMORROW, and as with her birthday in 2007, this birthday is going to be marred by me being upset about losing another baby - my precious, sweet, amazing little girl isn't going to be getting the 1,000,000% of attention from me, that she SHOULD be getting.  I'm going to try my hardest, for her sake, to put it behind me (for the day) - because I know that nothing can change what is going to happen, so I shouldn't be sad about it - well, I shouldn't DWELL on it.  Not on Gaby's birthday anyway.

I had hoped that my next blog post would be a happy one, all about Gaby's birthday party, instead it is me having a pity party!  For the record, her birthday party WAS awesome, and she had a really good time - and of course got spoilt by everyone!  I ruined the cake while I was decorating it, and that really upset me.  It was meant to be Mickey Mouse, but by the end it looked more like the cat from 'Itchy & Scratchy' (on the Simpsons).  Gaby asked what it was.... it was such a blow...  But as my Mum said - the most exciting thing for her was blowing out her candle, and that I could have given her a 'lump of poop with a candle on it, and she'd have been over the moon'.  She had a blast with her little buddy - Josh, they were both running around acting crazy, it was pretty cute - especially when Gaby would try to hug Josh & he'd run away from her.  And then when he admitted defeat & let Gaby cuddle him, they both fell over on the concrete & ended up with scrapes - both in tears, needing some first aid help from Poppa.

Gaby is with her father today - part of me is glad that she is, because I really needed the day to just rest, and feel sorry for myself, but another part of me can't wait for her to get home, because I NEED some Gaby cuddles.... No matter how sad/horrible/etc life is, I always have *her* to cheer me up - I just need to look at her and I remember how lucky I am - even when bad things happen, she makes up for it 1,000,000 times over.  I might let her sleep in bed with me tonight - I need to be close to her... she almost has a calming effect over me.  I think she intuitively picks up when I'm feeling sad, and she just naturally does things to put a smile on my face... she knows the perfect time to give me a cuddle, to give me a kiss, to say "I love you Mummy".... and at the end of the day, THOSE words, make everything else seem unimportant....

We have a partial birthday cake!

Tomorrow is Gaby's 3rd birthday party, so today we went to Mum & Dad's (as is usual for a Friday), and I baked her cake, and cut out the 'pattern' - so all I need to do tomorrow morning is get the thing iced!  I chose a Mickey Mouse cake - I was planning on using a template from the net, but then I found that the birthday cake book Mum used for our cakes when WE were kids, has a Mickey Mouse cake in it, that made it a LOT easier.  Basically I had to bake two circular cakes, from one I cut two circles, for the ears (my Dad liked the fact that there was a lot of 'cake cut off' left over, for him to eat!), and the other cake is the face - all I needed to do to 'shape' that, was to cut two triangular shapes about half way down the cake - and I guess this marks the seperation between Mickey's ears and the rest of his face.

Gaby is very excited because her little friend - Josh, is going to be there!  We haven't seen him, or his Mum (Serena) since the end of March, so there is going to be a lot of difference between them now (compared to back then!).  Josh is 3 months older than Gaby, and they always have so much fun together, so I am really glad they are able to come!  Other than Rena & Joshy, it's just going to be Nan & Poppa (my parents), Jason & Me, who are there, but I think that's more than enough for Gaby to handle.  I would have LIKED to have lots of family there, but then it becomes a bit more than a 'relaxed gathering', and would probably involve a lot of planning - and a lot more money!

I really can't believe my little girl is going to be three soon.  Seems crazy to think that this time 3 years ago, I was getting excited about going in for my induction the following day.  Of course the induction didn't work & I ended up getting a caesarean - 2 days after I went in for the induction!  I look at her baby photos, and then her photos now, and it is bizarre to think it's the same child...

As far as I know, things are going well in baby-land.  I still have my morning sickness & tiredness - and my breasts are REALLY sore today... and it seems that the need to frequently urinate has kicked in too, I think I went about 5 times while we were at the mall today (which around 2 hours!).  If Mum didn't know before now, I'm sure she would have figured it out today!  Our first ultrasound is on Wednesday, I'll be 6w0d, and I'm HOPING that we see SOMETHING...  even if there isn't a heartbeat, hopefully there will be the gestational sac and fetal pole, measuring right on for my dates.  That said, I hope hope hope there is a heartbeat visible!  It will ease a lot of my fears I think.

Everyday without spotting, I feel one of two things:

One - relief - another day with no spotting, which means I'm one day closer to 12w

Two - fear - another day with no spotting, COULD mean I'm one day closer to the day that I DO start spotting....

It's a horrible horrible vicious circle - positive, negative, positive, negative...  I wish I could just be 100% positive about the pregnancy, or at least that I could be in denial about the possibility of miscarrying!!!!  I guess this is a scary week for me, because of my spotting starting in the 5th week, in my previous miscarriages.  If I make it to 6w0d with no spotting, I'll feel as if I've overcome some sort of milestone.  I guess no one really knows what is going to happen in the future, and I should enjoy each & everyday that I'm blessed with this baby.......

I forgot about the Pregnancy Calendar on JustMommies - I used it a lot when I was pregnant with Gaby, to check out the little tips, and developmental milestones for each day...  My little tip for today (5w2d) is 'Eating dry crackers may help with morning sickness' - and then it says at 5w5d 'Baby's limb buds are noticeable now' - which makes me smile.. my little one might have 'noticeable' limb buds now!!!!  Little arms & legs!  Cute!

Reminiscing...

My 'baby' girl is going to turn three in 9 days time, and right now, all I find myself doing is thinking back to those early days... finding out I was pregnant, the first u/s, the second u/s, her arrival... her being a newborn, being 1, 2, 3 months old.  It has all gone so fast, and has been such an amazing, wonderful, overwhelming, eye-opening experience - I feel so blessed to have her in my life, and to actually be *someones* Mummy.. to be the one person that she knows she can rely on, without a doubt. 

It really is bittersweet - I miss those days of her being a baby - but at the same time, it is such an intensely 'wow' feeling, to be able to watch her grow up, to hear her talking, to hear her singing, to hear her reading books to her toys (from memory).. to see her getting taller, to see her jumping, to see her running, to see her starting to try to skip...  to see her interacting with other kids at preschool & kindy, to know that she is starting to understand various concepts - day & night, summer & winter, cause & effect...  All these things you know are going to happen, but actually physically *seeing* them happen, first hand - nothing can prepare you for that!!!!

I'm always blown away when I look at her baby photos & compare them to her 'now' photos...  It's hard to believe it is the same little person!

& now we're getting ready to do it all again - I can't wait to experience motherhood for a second time!!!!  As soon as I got up this morning, my morning sickness made itself very much known - as it did when I had to change Gaby's nappy... not pleasant!!!  Symptoms are reassuring though, so I shall not complain (too much!).  My boobs still seem to be a bit sore (to touch), so hopefully that's a good sign!  Everyone keeps mentioning how dark my BFP is now, compared to how dark it was at 4w0d, and the 'twins' word has been mentioned a lot.  I doubt twins can be identified just because of a dark BFP - butttttt I am very curious to know what my HCG levels are doing!  Twins would be a double blessing, and  I don't think it would be seen as a 'bad' thing by either of us - we want another kiddo anyway, so I guess it'd be killing two birds with one stone!

Speaking of HCG levels.. I have decided that I'm NOT going to get repetitive HCG levels done, unless my midwife decides that she wants them done.  If she does, I may just tell her to get the results given to her only - I don't know if I can want the anxiety of waiting for levels to come back & waiting to see if they've doubled like they should have.  The way I figure is that if this little bean *isn't* destined to make it, I would sooner it just 'happen', than to anticipate it through HCG levels that aren't doubling properly.  That said... god I hope this little bean is sticky!