Full term!

Today, I am officially full term!!!!!!!!!!!

Emersyn now has my permission, to arrive whenever she feels she's ready - preferably not on a Monday or Tuesday, but if she's that way inclined, so be it!  A very weird thought to think that in 2 weeks time - at the latest - my long awaited baby girl, will FINALLY be here...  I am feeling very relaxed about everything, quite at peace really, just a little impatient!!!!!  I know deep down I'll be waiting until my cesarean date to meet Emersyn, but the thought that she could arrive at any stage now, is very exciting!

Gaby is on her first ever school trip today - preschool are taking her class, to the closest library - in a bus!  Gaby was so excited about it, before we left for preschool, and I have to admit, I was (am) VERY excited for her to!  Suddenly she is doing all these 'big kid' things, and it is making me realise that she's not my baby anymore... well, she'll always be my 'baby', but she's growing so fast...  It's amazing.. I feel priveleged to be able to observe her everyday... to be there when she learns something new, or makes a realisation about the way the world works.  It's the best part of being a Mummy!

The Gaby Inquisition

Gaby has reached a new milestone - asking questions!  All of a sudden, I am being asked questions on a regular basis, which there isn't an obvious answer to - and I'm a little unsure how to handle it!

This morning, on the way to preschool, Gaby asked me "Mummy, who made outside??"...  We are not a religious family, so I didn't see it as a chance for a conversation about god, but I did want to answer her question, in a way that would make sense to her, and in a way that would get her attention and encourage her to think further about it.  I ended up talking to her about seeds - how they grow new plants/grass/trees/bushes/flowers/etc, and how they are spread around.. the role the wind plays, the role that birds play, etc etc.  I hoped that it would be a suitable explanation for her - and it seems that it was, because we spoke about it the whole way to preschool (15 minutes or so)!

I do want her to be naturally inquisitive, to feel she can ask questions - so that I can assist her learning, but I'm fast realising that I'm going to need to be armed with resources, for when she asks a question that isn't so easy to answer!!!  It would be easy to just say "I don't know hunny" - and leave it at that, but that isn't really making the most of the opportunity for learning, so I would prefer to be able to say "I don't know - lets have a look at a book/website that will teach us both about how/why/etc ___________ happens".  I see it as a way to encourage her learning, and independent thought - but also another form of activity that we can do together, and bond over.

After our little talk today about seeds, I am going to try and track down some seeds that will grow quickly, inside - so she can see for herself what happens, rather than just taking my word for it.  I have always been more of a visual learner, and it may well be that Gaby is too... and I want to do what I can to help out!

This is the first time I've felt like I'm dealing with a child, rather than just a 'little kid' or 'my 3 year old'.  She is asking mature questions, she is using mature thought... it's all a little scary & a little exciting, at the same time! 

Super Proud Mama Moment!

For awhile I've been wondering if Gaby has been wetting her nappy during the night, simply because it's a nappy - and that is what you do.  It has always been a little dream of mine, to have Gaby out of nappies completely, by the time Emersyn is born - just to save that extra few $$$ a week.

So, night before last, I asked Gaby if she wanted to wear knickers, or nappies to bed - and she told me she wanted to wear knickers.  I talked to her about how if she wore knickers, it'd mean she'd have to get up and go to the toilet if she needed to during the night, and that if she wet her knickers, she'd get a wet bed as well.  She seemed pretty happy about wearing knickers, so I let her.  Tried to wake her up at 10.30 when I went to bed, so she could go to the toilet - but that child is impossible to wake up!  So I left her, and hoped for the best.  Some point between then and 2am she hopped in my bed with me, and at 2am we were both awake so I asked if she wanted to go to the toilet.  She did - so I took her, and she then asked for a nappy.  I put one on her, we went back to sleep - and when she woke in the morning, her nappy was wet.

Last night we did the same thing, discussed nappy vs knickers, I reminded her about having a wet bed etc, but she still seemed pretty confident about wearing knickers.  10.30 came and again I woke her up - but this time I made sure she woke up, carried her to the toilet, sat her on it.. and she proceeded to throw a huge tantrum.  She got back in bed with her knickers on & I figured I'd just take her when she woke up during the night.  She was in with me by then - and I kept waking up to check that she was still dry - I managed to lose about 50% of my normal sleep, because I was so worried about her wetting!  

But at 6.45am she woke up properly - as did I - and she was DRY!!!!!!!!!!  I was so proud of her (AM so proud of her), and gave her a big hug & kept telling her how great it was, how proud I was of her, that it was such a 'big girl' thing to do....  She then got up & went to the toilet & was on her merry way.....

I'm hoping that this is the beginning of some form of consistently being dry at night - it'd be so fabulous if it was!!!!!!  But it's not something I'm going to force.  If she decides tonight she wants to wear a nappy, that'll be fine..  If she decides she wants knickers, that'll be great!

I'm sorry I don't live up to your standards...

warning:  I'm pregnant & hormonal, very emotional & having a bad day.....


Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I was the failure of the family, the one who would disappoint everyone, would never amount to much in the eyes of everyone else...

& here I am today, 26 - and bawling my eyes out, because it has never been more clear to me, that my worries when I was a little girl, turned out to be 100% spot on.  The only people in my family who I feel do love me for me, and don't wish I was anything BUT myself, are my parents - and I guess that is a good thing, or pure luck...

Here is a list of the ways in which I am sub-par as a human being - in their eyes

1. I'm 26, and have never been married - was briefly engaged - to a woman - so obviously that doesn't count - I must have just been 'going through a phase'
2. I have two children, who have two different fathers & I'm in a relationship with neither.  Never mind that it is in my best interests, and my girls best interests, for me to not be in relationships with their fathers
3. I'm obese - I will never be skinny, I will never be athletic and toned, and when I do lose weight, why congratulate me?  I'll obviously just put the weight on again.. support & encouragement isn't really that important!
4. My longest relationship has been 15 months, and obviously I did things wrong, otherwise, why would he have broken up with me?  Surely the problem wasn't with him!  Must have been Emma
5. I am living off the domestic purposes benefit, rather than working - who cares that it was a decision I made, because I felt it was best for *my* daughter, to have her mother with her as much as possible in the early years of her life - obviously it'd be better for her to only see her mother at nights, in the same way she only sees her father one day a week
6. I don't have a huge career, I haven't finished a university degree, I guess the fact that I am happy working an average job, for average pay doesn't mean anything.  I should aspire to be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, a teacher... something exciting and interesting - definately a job I can't leave at work at the end of the day, something that I have to bring home with me, so my children get a little of my attention, but work gets more....
7. I'm not a 100% straight, heterosexual woman!  Obviously I feel more attracted to women than men, just because I can't find a nice man to settle down with.. yes, that's got to be it!

I hate that I can't be loved because I am simply *me*...  My sister, my cousins - they all have their flaws, their dirty little secrets - but because they're living the life everyone thinks they should live, well - it doesn't matter!!!  Because I am happy being a Mum - and putting that before having a career, it doesn't mean that I don't have aspirations - I do, it also doesn't mean that I am unhappy with my life - because I am NOT. 

Everyday with Gaby is a fabulous day, even if I am feeling down, just looking at her makes me smile, hearing the words "I love you Mummy" makes everything great again, seeing her accomplish something new makes me feel wonderful about myself - reiterates that I am a good Mum, and that my daughter isn't missing out on anything, just because she doesn't have a 'normal' family (ie Mum/Dad living together).  Everytime Emersyn kicks me, I feel a huge surge of love, and can't help but smile - everytime I think about meeting her, tears come to my eyes, because I cannot wait for that day.  Being a Mum IS what makes me happy, it's what I feel I'm meant to be doing.  But why isn't that good enough for everyone else??

Going to need to become an encyclopedia!

Oh my - Gaby has started with 'the questions'...  We went to the beach earlier this week, and Gaby asked me to explain:
- what the ocean is
- how the salt gets in the water
- why you can't see the salt in the water
- why there is sand at the beach
I could explain easily enough what the ocean is, but really had no idea about the other 3 questions - I am going to start needing to read encyclopedias, so I can keep up with all her questions.  I'm sure that there will be plenty more to come.....

It is pretty cool that she is so inquisitive, and wants to know more about the world around her - it proves to me that she really is moving from toddler, to preschooler... and I guess it is another milestone that she has reached!  Very exciting!  I am wondering if I should start arming myself with "why is......", "what is......" type books - so that when she has one of her big questions, I can whip the book out & answer it properly for her.... and in a manner that she will understand.  Sometimes it's a bit hard coming up with the proper terminology, for her to understand....

Not long and I'll probably be asking HER to answer questions, for ME - or I'll be learning things from her, when she gets home from school.  Very scary thought!

Getting closer to that 'magic' 12w mark...

Today I am 11w4d pregnant - and I cannot tell you how much I am willing Wednesday to arrive.  Why Wednesday?  Because I will be 12w0d, and as far as miscarriage goes, that is the 'magic' mark, where chances of miscarrying get a lot slimmer.  Naturally I know that it can still happen - and of course me being me, I won't feel completely out of the woods, until our little Albany or Kaidyn is safely in my arms, around June 15th-ish...  BUT still, knowing that we are out of that high risk point, it will provide some reassurance for me!

I have been slack as far as arranging my 12w ultrasound goes - I keep forgetting to ring up, so  I must remember to do that on Monday.  I am hoping they can get us in on Friday, so that my Mum can go to the ultrasound - while some people like to keep ultrasounds a private, intimate experience, *I* enjoy sharing the love & joy, and having members of my family go with me.  I think that subconsciously, part of me wants Mum to be there, incase it turns out that something has gone wrong... I'm such a Mummy's girl at the moment, and know that her being there if I find out bad news, will make the situation a little more... less awful... in some way...  I don't have any reason to expect anything to be wrong though, so hopefully what I'm feeling is just normal pre-ultrasound anxiety!

I started feeling little movements while we were away, down south - and it's such a magical, wonderful feeling!!!!  Obviously the movements aren't huge yet, and I only really notice them if I am sitting still - some days I don't feel any, and other days I feel 3-4 a day...  it's nice for the extra reassurance it brings, and luckily I know not to worry on the days I DON'T feel anything - because I know it is still really early, in the scheme of things.  I thought I was going crazy when I started feeling movement, but after texting some friends who've recently had baby #2, it seems that it isn't completely impossible to be feeling movement now. 

Jason told his Mum about the baby, so now everyone who we wanted to know, knows about the pregnancy - and we have been so blessed, that everyone has had positive reactions to the news!  Gaby is very cute when talking about the baby - she tells me all the things that he/she will need when he/she is born, and this morning was talking about how the baby will need to be wrapped in a blanket, otherwise it'll get cold & sick...  I cry when I think about Gaby meeting the baby for the first time.. it's going to be such a sweet moment in my life.. to see my two babies, together.... to see that bond at the exact second it starts to form...  (see, I'm crying now, just writing that!)

Night-time dryness training.....

I would love for Gaby to be out of nappies completely, by the time this bub arrives... at the moment she is only in them at night, so it isn't too bad - but at the moment her morning nappy removal strongly disagrees with my morning sickness, and always sets me running for the bathroom!  

I've noticed Gaby wakes up around 1.30am, so I asked her today if it is because she needs to do wees or poos, and she said it is... I'm not sure if it REALLY is or not, but after her saying that, I went & bought her some Pull Up's, and told her that if she wakes up in the middle of the night to do wees or poos, that she can go to the toilet & do it, that she doesn't NEED to do it in her nappy.  She seemed to like the idea when we were talking about it - I made it clear that it is FINE if she doesn't wake up to go, and goes in her nappy (well, her Pull Up!), I also told her that if she wants me to take her to the toilet, that is fine as well - and that she can wake me up whenever she wants to.

I have no idea if this is going to work or not - she hasn't REALLY shown signs of being ready for night training - ie she is still waking up with wet, dirty nappies - but i thought it was worth a shot, if the reason she is going in her nappy, is because she thinks she HAS to at night time.  It's all she's known since she was born, so I think it makes sense! 

Yesterday I reached the 7w0d mark in my pregnancy - it always makes me feel good to know that another week has passed - especially in the first trimester... Right now I am concentrating on week-by-week, but the ultimate 'focus point' right now, is definately making the 12w mark, and having our 12w u/s & seeing a living, moving fetus....  My breasts have gotten really sore the last two days, so I am hoping that is a good sign that things are still going well in there!

Gosh, if I'm 7w now, and will be scheduled for a c/s around 38w, that means there is only around 31w of this pregnancy to go!!!!!!!  Now, THAT sounds good!

~stick little bean, stick~