100 days to go!

Today I am 25w5d pregnant - and according to my ticker, have a mere 100 days to go, until Emersyn's due date!  I guess technically I only have 86-93 days to go, because I'll be having a c/s @ 38-39 weeks, but still... 100 days until my actual EDD is pretty cool!  

I am feeling good, a little more uncomfortable in bed at night, a little more uncomfortable when walking around, or standing around... but in general I feel rather good!  I presumed I'd have had sciatica by now - I had it from about 15w with Gaby, but so far, nothing!  My appetite is back, however I am finding it increasingly harder to be able to eat a decent sized meal... I often find myself eating about 1/4 of my meal, putting it in the microwave - and then going back a little later for more.. and I guess that's the way to do it about now!

As far as I know, Emersyn is doing well.  She is still active and kicking me - which is lovely, nothing nicer than feeling her kicking in there, to make me feel positive, and like this pregnancy is going to have a positive outcome. I know that a lot of people by this point, won't be expecting anything to go wrong, but with my anxiety, past losses - and I guess also through knowing various members who've had late losses & stillbirths, on JM, it does make me realise that things are never for sure.  All I can do is take it a day at a time, and that is what I'm trying to do.

I am however 110% that I don't want any further pregnancies, and that I will be getting a tubal ligation at the time I have my cesarean.  I don't feel that it is fair to put Gaby - and Emersyn, through 9 months of having a stressed out, anxious, terrified mother... 9 months is a long time in the life of a child, and I know I wouldn't feel right if I spent that time concentrating on something that *could* happen, rather than spending the time enjoying my two girls.  I need to talk to the obstetrician at the hospital when I go for my next high risk appt, as they are going to schedule my cesarean - and will be the ones who say yay or nay to my request for a tubal ligation.  My midwife seems to think they won't have any issues with it, being that I'm 26 & (will) have had 2 children by that time... and then adding in my history of (early) losses, my anxiety & depression... she thinks it won't be something they'll fight me about.

Can't believe that next week I'll officially be in the 3rd trimester!!!!!!  Seemed like a lifetime away, back when I found out in October... but the weeks seems to be speeding by, I'm sure the point will come where I will wish that time could slow down a little.  End of the day though, I can't wait for June, and to hear those first cries, from my baby girl.  

*cue the tears*

Hopefully today, we will get some answers

I rang the ultrasound place this morning, and explained I've been spotting over the weekend, and asked if it'd be possible to get in, today for my u/s - rather than tomorrow...  Luckily they were really good, and I have an appointment for 3.30pm (around 4 hours away).  I know that a day doesn't sound like much, but if I am miscarrying, I'd sooner know NOW, than have the anxiety etc, for another 24 hours.  Perhaps it's impatience on my part, but it's *me*.

I DID read online that baby aspirin (which my m/w put me on last week), can cause early spotting in pregnancy, so I am grasping onto the tiniest little possibility that THAT is the reason behind my spotting.  That said, I think my boobs are getting less sore, and I haven't had morning sickness the past two days, so it is still looking likely that it is an early m/c.  But then part of me thinks "mind over matter" - because I THINK I'm miscarrying, am I stopping myself from having morning sickness?  Yeap - grasping for straws, that's me!!!

Hopefully my next blog will contain a picture of my little bean, but i'm 99% sure it'll be more along the lines of "let the testing [for why I keep m/c'ing] begin"...  Who knows huh!  But as Jason said, I'm not going through this alone, and we will work through whatever happens, together... Which is something I've never really had - so if I AM miscarrying, hopefully having some support, will make it a tad easier to deal with....

Fingers crossed....

I've started spotting

Just before going to the toilet this morning, I thought to myself "I was this far along when I miscarried in 2005"... I wiped - and realised I had started spotting.  Naturally I freaked out, burst into tears - I told Jason what was happening and he was wonderful, held me while I cried, talked to me soothingly - he was everything I needed him to be.  I told him that although spotting early in pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean a miscarriage, that in *my* history it HAS meant a miscarriage, and that I had no reason to believe it would be different this time.

Everyone has told me to think positive, to try not to stress, but that is so impossible for me.  I really have TRIED to be positive, but all I am feeling like right now, is a failure... and I *know* that this is the start of a miscarriage for me, that I'm not one of the lucky women whose bleeding is 'innocent' and doesn't effect the viability of their pregnancy.  That's just not me.  I think I have come to terms with the fact I'll most likely lose the baby too, and that I'll be adding to my list of angel babies.  No amount of positive thinking is going to change the outcome - in my opinion anyway.

I just HATE that this is happening NOW.  Gaby's 3rd birthday is TOMORROW, and as with her birthday in 2007, this birthday is going to be marred by me being upset about losing another baby - my precious, sweet, amazing little girl isn't going to be getting the 1,000,000% of attention from me, that she SHOULD be getting.  I'm going to try my hardest, for her sake, to put it behind me (for the day) - because I know that nothing can change what is going to happen, so I shouldn't be sad about it - well, I shouldn't DWELL on it.  Not on Gaby's birthday anyway.

I had hoped that my next blog post would be a happy one, all about Gaby's birthday party, instead it is me having a pity party!  For the record, her birthday party WAS awesome, and she had a really good time - and of course got spoilt by everyone!  I ruined the cake while I was decorating it, and that really upset me.  It was meant to be Mickey Mouse, but by the end it looked more like the cat from 'Itchy & Scratchy' (on the Simpsons).  Gaby asked what it was.... it was such a blow...  But as my Mum said - the most exciting thing for her was blowing out her candle, and that I could have given her a 'lump of poop with a candle on it, and she'd have been over the moon'.  She had a blast with her little buddy - Josh, they were both running around acting crazy, it was pretty cute - especially when Gaby would try to hug Josh & he'd run away from her.  And then when he admitted defeat & let Gaby cuddle him, they both fell over on the concrete & ended up with scrapes - both in tears, needing some first aid help from Poppa.

Gaby is with her father today - part of me is glad that she is, because I really needed the day to just rest, and feel sorry for myself, but another part of me can't wait for her to get home, because I NEED some Gaby cuddles.... No matter how sad/horrible/etc life is, I always have *her* to cheer me up - I just need to look at her and I remember how lucky I am - even when bad things happen, she makes up for it 1,000,000 times over.  I might let her sleep in bed with me tonight - I need to be close to her... she almost has a calming effect over me.  I think she intuitively picks up when I'm feeling sad, and she just naturally does things to put a smile on my face... she knows the perfect time to give me a cuddle, to give me a kiss, to say "I love you Mummy".... and at the end of the day, THOSE words, make everything else seem unimportant....

We have a partial birthday cake!

Tomorrow is Gaby's 3rd birthday party, so today we went to Mum & Dad's (as is usual for a Friday), and I baked her cake, and cut out the 'pattern' - so all I need to do tomorrow morning is get the thing iced!  I chose a Mickey Mouse cake - I was planning on using a template from the net, but then I found that the birthday cake book Mum used for our cakes when WE were kids, has a Mickey Mouse cake in it, that made it a LOT easier.  Basically I had to bake two circular cakes, from one I cut two circles, for the ears (my Dad liked the fact that there was a lot of 'cake cut off' left over, for him to eat!), and the other cake is the face - all I needed to do to 'shape' that, was to cut two triangular shapes about half way down the cake - and I guess this marks the seperation between Mickey's ears and the rest of his face.

Gaby is very excited because her little friend - Josh, is going to be there!  We haven't seen him, or his Mum (Serena) since the end of March, so there is going to be a lot of difference between them now (compared to back then!).  Josh is 3 months older than Gaby, and they always have so much fun together, so I am really glad they are able to come!  Other than Rena & Joshy, it's just going to be Nan & Poppa (my parents), Jason & Me, who are there, but I think that's more than enough for Gaby to handle.  I would have LIKED to have lots of family there, but then it becomes a bit more than a 'relaxed gathering', and would probably involve a lot of planning - and a lot more money!

I really can't believe my little girl is going to be three soon.  Seems crazy to think that this time 3 years ago, I was getting excited about going in for my induction the following day.  Of course the induction didn't work & I ended up getting a caesarean - 2 days after I went in for the induction!  I look at her baby photos, and then her photos now, and it is bizarre to think it's the same child...

As far as I know, things are going well in baby-land.  I still have my morning sickness & tiredness - and my breasts are REALLY sore today... and it seems that the need to frequently urinate has kicked in too, I think I went about 5 times while we were at the mall today (which around 2 hours!).  If Mum didn't know before now, I'm sure she would have figured it out today!  Our first ultrasound is on Wednesday, I'll be 6w0d, and I'm HOPING that we see SOMETHING...  even if there isn't a heartbeat, hopefully there will be the gestational sac and fetal pole, measuring right on for my dates.  That said, I hope hope hope there is a heartbeat visible!  It will ease a lot of my fears I think.

Everyday without spotting, I feel one of two things:

One - relief - another day with no spotting, which means I'm one day closer to 12w

Two - fear - another day with no spotting, COULD mean I'm one day closer to the day that I DO start spotting....

It's a horrible horrible vicious circle - positive, negative, positive, negative...  I wish I could just be 100% positive about the pregnancy, or at least that I could be in denial about the possibility of miscarrying!!!!  I guess this is a scary week for me, because of my spotting starting in the 5th week, in my previous miscarriages.  If I make it to 6w0d with no spotting, I'll feel as if I've overcome some sort of milestone.  I guess no one really knows what is going to happen in the future, and I should enjoy each & everyday that I'm blessed with this baby.......

I forgot about the Pregnancy Calendar on JustMommies - I used it a lot when I was pregnant with Gaby, to check out the little tips, and developmental milestones for each day...  My little tip for today (5w2d) is 'Eating dry crackers may help with morning sickness' - and then it says at 5w5d 'Baby's limb buds are noticeable now' - which makes me smile.. my little one might have 'noticeable' limb buds now!!!!  Little arms & legs!  Cute!

... and then there is the anxiety

I always think that getting pregnant is the hard job - then as soon as I get my BFP (whether it was planned, or not) - along comes the anxiety.  I guess after experiencing 4 1st trimester losses, a lot of the innocence & excitement of pregnancy, is gone - and it has been replaced more by a negative "chances are, I will miscarry" type of attitude.  This morning I wiped and there was a tiny bit of colour on the toilet paper - it wasn't red, it wasn't pink, it wasn't even brown - but it was colour & was enough to make me hear alarm bells.  I want this baby so bad - Jason wants this baby so bad, and I feel as if I am going to ruin it all for us, and have another miscarriage.  I wish I could be put in a coma for the next 8 weeks - they can wake me up when I am having my 12w ultrasound & the little bubba is moving all around...

I wish I could be more positive, but it seems really hard.  I just have to try and remember that I have symptoms, which is a good sign - my boobs are sore, which is a very good sign for me.  Jason is working until 4pm today, so it's not like I have him to talk to about how I'm feeling (not immediately anyway) - so everything is going round and round in my head, driving me rather crazy!!!  The ONE thing that I am thinking would be a slight 'positive' of miscarrying, is that I can get the testing done, to try to figure out WHY I keep miscarrying.. I hope to heck it doesn't come to that though...

No doubt about it - I'm up the duff!

Well after 6 days of positive tests, I believe I am definately up the duff!!!!!  When AF was late I finally started believing it, and then after very convincing BFP's at 4w0d & 4w2d, I don't think there is much denying it!  Jason seems to be very excited, but a little cautious - as am I.  My history of losses makes the next 8 weeks or so, a very scary prospect for us.  I have experienced losses at 5w4d, 6w1d, 8w0d & 10w4d - so until I reach the 12 week mark & we see our little bean, I don't think the stress will really stop!

My symptoms are right up there though, which is giving me some confidence - I've been vomitting 3-4 times a day, since around 13DPO, I'm tired all day, I've been cramping, peeing what feels like every 10 seconds & my back is sore.  My boobs seem to be starting to get sore, which is a great thing, because my losses, I haven't had sore boobs.. so come on boobies - get  aching!  

I rang the midwife I have chosen to do my care, and she was very friendly, and has scheduled me in next Thursday - 22nd October (gosh, my precious Angel-Nephew's b/day!) for my first appointment, and to refer me to the clinic who deal with women who have had recurrent losses.  Strangely I am not worried that this may be another ectopic pregnancy - maybe because my pregnancy is going according to plan (ie tests getting darker, AF has stayed away, whereas with my ectopic I got AF when she was due, and hcg was up and down).  I am trying to stay positive, to make myself believe this is a sticky little bean.  I just hope that is the case!  

We should be scheduled for an u/s around 7w, to make sure the baby is in the uterus, and that there is a h/b - so that will be our first big milestone to make it to.  Up until now all my early-pregnancy u/s have had sad results, so I'm hoping this pregnancy will be the one where we get a GOOD outcome.  This is the first pregnancy that I've really had the father there with me for support, and I think that is making it all a bit easier on me.  The thought of that first u/s is still really scary though.

Here is a pic of my BFP from today - the test line came up before the control line (yay) & as dark as (maybe darker) than it as well!

 

Compared to my BFP at 14DPO / 4w0d

 

 

It's an amazing feeling to be pregnant again, and such a novelty to have someone to share it with, who is there because he *wants* to be, and not because it 'seems like the right thing'.  I can't wait until we can tell Gaby that she is going to be a big sister, but I have no idea WHEN to tell her.  I guess I can tell her when I don't mind everyone else knowing - because Gaby will tell everyone she sees!  I am going to TRY and hold out telling, until our first ultrasound, but we'll see what happens!