Formula = Failure? I dont think so...

Throughout my pregnancy, I was adamant that I wanted to breastfeed, that I was going to give it the biggest effort that I could muster.  I didn't want to formula feed again, because I felt with Gaby, that I missed out on something special, by not breastfeeding - plus I could do without the costs that formula feeding entails.

While I was in hospital, I really gave it my all - I was so determined to 'learn' how to breastfeed, if it was the last thing I did.  I saw the lactation consultant in the hospital, I spoke to the midwives for pointers & to see if they had any wisdom for me.  We were sometimes able to latch by ourselves, and sometimes Emersyn would have a decent feed, but the other half of the time we couldn't latch, and  both of us would end up in tears - until the midwife came & helped us to latch on.  I felt somewhat confident, on the morning we left, that  I could do it - that I could go home & breastfeed my baby. 

I managed two feeds, before the latching problem became too much for me.  Emersyn was feeding for 3 minutes at a time, and was constantly grizzly - I knew she wasn't getting enough, but hoped that somehow it'd all just mesh & we would be fine.  That didn't come to fruition however... Sunday night, I spent 5 hours crying, Emersyn spent 5 hours crying - while we tried to latch in different positions, I tried my best to stay relaxed, but it just wasn't working.... at midnight I bundled the kids up in the car & we drove to the nearest 24 hour supermarket to get bottles... and formula...

I cried while driving to the supermarket (perhaps not the safest time to drive), I cried while walking through the supermarket, I cried on the way home.... I bawled as I made up the first bottle of formula, and bawled even harder, as Emersyn suckled away ravenously on the bottle, making up for the feeds she had missed out on.  After her first bottle, Emersyn went straight to sleep - exhausted from hours of crying, and I hopped in bed - then cried as I went to sleep, because I felt like such a failure....  I'd made it clear to everyone that I was GOING to breastfeed, and that formula feeding wasn't an option, yet only 4-5 days after her birth, there I was - making up formula again.

The next day I confessed to my Mum, who was very supportive - of anyone she knew how badly I wanted to breastfeed, and how hard I had tried... I felt a little better when she told me that formula feeding didn't make me a failure, but at the same time, I knew that she was saying that because she was my Mum - and she's not the type of parent who would call her daughter a failure.  I had the midwife later that afternoon, and knew for sure that I would get a 'telling off' from her - but was amazed when she told me that formula feeding wasn't a sign of weakness, it wasn't a sign that I was a failure, or a bad parent, or that I gave up too easily - and that the most important thing was that Emersyn was being fed.  Full stop.  We spoke a little about my issues (which were the same I had with Gaby), and about how I was feeling about formula feeding - and she reassured me over and over, that it was okay, that YES, breast is best - but in reality it doesn't work for everyone.

In a text message to my Mum, I told her that since I had started formula feeding, I was happier, and Emersyn was happier - which led to Gaby being happier, and that was the main thing... and it formed my new parenting mantra...
HAPPY MUMMY, HAPPY EMERSYN, HAPPY GABY - HAPPY FAMILY......

... and at the end of the day, I do believe that is what is most important... I was so tense and nervous while breastfeeding, and anxious about breastfeeding, that it was preventing me from making the most of the early days of my daughters life - as had happened with Gaby, and I decided that I would sooner be able to take it all in, and have a relaxed, happy, calm atmosphere at home, than to have that anxiety, stress & tension, cause a horrible home environment.

Am I upset that I couldn't breastfeed?  Yes.
But am I happy, is Emersyn happy, is Gaby happy?  Yes....
and the latter is what is *the* most important thing to me.  So am I a failure?  No.  I don't think so.  I'm doing what *I* know is best for *my* family... my daughter still has somewhere warm to sleep, she gets lots of love & cuddles, she is regularly fed - and is thriving, so surely, as a parent - I am doing something right...

So much to say, no motivation to say it...

Sitting at the computer for more than 5 minutes, is suddenly a very unappealing activity for me.  The right side of my ribcage aches when I am sitting (thanks Emersyn!), and to be honest, my brain just is NOT working...

So this is the end of pregnancy.. discomfort, brain working at 1/4 power..  no motivation to do anything.  EXCEPT MEET MY BABY!  I got my cesarean date confirmed last week - Emersyn will be making her arrival on June 16th!  I am now 36w5d pregnant, so in two days time, I will be classed as full term - and in all reality, I am at the point that I just want to meet her.  I'm not of the attitude "I'm so over being pregnant" - because I'm not really - I feel quite good physically, minus the rib pain... I could probably handle another 6 or so weeks of this.... I'm just so ready to MEET Emersyn.. so ready to finally look at her, and cuddle her.  Knowing that she'll be here in 16 days time, is such a tease - 16 days, in reality - isn't that far away, but at the same time, it seems like SOOOOOOOO far away.

Gaby and I both appear to be coming down with our first official Winter 2010 colds - being sick isn't really the way I wanted to spend the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy!  I still have so much that I want to do around the house - get the tidying finished, cook a few meals to freeze, but being sick, all I really feel like doing is lying in bed, reading my book - or sitting on the couch, snuggling with my little snuggle bunny (aka Gaby).  I shouldn't complain though, we have both been so lucky with our health, and I think that as long as we stay nice and warm, and don't go out a lot - we should be okay.  

I had my final growth ultrasound, last Tuesday - it was great to see Emersyn again, and to hear that everything looks great.  The amniotic fluid level was fine, the flow through the umbilical cord was fine, organs looked fine - everything was just FINE...  She has been continuing to steadily grow, at the same rate - still in the 90th percentile for weight - as of Tuesday, weighing in at approximately 7lb2oz!!!!  I had a nice u/s tech, and she took time to show me cute things - the fact Emersyn has lots of fuzzy hair, her holding her foot in her hand, her little nose & lips... made me fall even more in love, and all the more impatient to see her up close & in person!!!!!!!

nose & lips... 

I think she'll have chubby cheeks like Gaby did!

profile view

I then saw the high risk ob for the LAST time on Thursday!  I discussed with her, my fears about Emersyn not moving enough - so she organised an NST & gave me a form to do daily kick counts on, and both of those have really helped my anxiety level.  The ob reassured me that the results from the ultrasound, indicated the Emersyn is doing well in there, and that I don't have any need for concern - she told me that she no longer worries I may have GD - because Emersyn is growing steadily, rather than having large leaps in weight.  I didn't mind the thought of having to do the GTT again, but it is definately nice to NOT have to worry about it, because I'm getting somewhat sick of going to & from various health clinics/hospitals every week... even though it is part & parcel of being pregnant, especially in a high risk situation.  

 36w3d belly...

My dear blog, I will try to update you more often - I know I have been neglecting you, but the days seem to go by so fast now, and any thought I have of "I must update my blog", seems to be forgotten within the space of a few minutes.  Quite dreadful really!

Rambling reality

Today I got the infant carseat, from my parents house, and got it all set up in the car.

And I cried!

For some reason, seeing that little carseat, safely in the car - made me realise that in less than 5 weeks, I am going to be putting a little baby in it...  That baby Emersyn will no longer be in my belly - she will be 'REAL' - right there for me to cuddle & kiss, to snuggle with & talk to in a silly voice.  All those clothes which are tidily put away in the set of drawers, will be used.  The bassinet which has been in my room for months, will have someone sleeping in it.  

.. Emersyn is going to be here soon, and I am so excited... and I am so terrified...  I can't wait for my life to change...  I am scared that my life is going to change...  I cannot wait for Gaby to be a big sister...  I am not ready for Gaby to be a big sister...

It was never this confusing with Gaby... and I don't know why this time is different.  The confusion isn't a bad thing, and I'm in no way not looking forward, to Emersyn finally being here...  My mind is just slightly blown.....

4 weeks until.. 6 weeks until...

In 4 weeks time I will be considered full term.

In 6 weeks time,  I will be welcoming Emersyn Lily-May in to the world!

This pregnancy has gone so fast, and I am amazed that I'm already in the 'final countdown' stages!  Physically I'm getting a lot more uncomfortable, particularly my ribs - especially when sitting at the computer.  I'm finding it a lot harder to get myself dressed in the morning, and sometimes wish I could ask Gaby to help me.  Emotionally I think I'm doing good!  I've had a few freak outs lately, but I've been working really really hard, on trying to remain calm and rational, when it does happen - and it seems to work.

I'm enjoying my last few weeks, with it just being Gaby & I... trying to do a couple of really special things each week, so that Gaby realises that she is still just as important to me as ever - if not more so.  I am so anxious to find out what life will be like with two children, if it'll be easier than I expect - or harder... I'm guessing it's like the rest of parenting - a lot of awesome, mixed in with some not-so-awesome.  I think that of anything, I am the most excited at seeing Gaby with Emersyn, for the very first time.  Just thinking of that brings tears to my eyes.  I just can't wait to see the exact second where Gaby turns from only child - to big sister....  Ahhh, here come the tears again!

My cousins girlfriend found out a couple of weeks ago that she is pregnant, and I am so over the moon for both of them!  It wasn't planned, and it's been a bit of a rocky road for them, trying to decide what to do - but today S. told me officially, that I WILL be getting a 2nd cousin around Christmas time!  My cousin is going to be an awesome Daddy - he's worried that he isn't ready, but he's the type of guy you just need to look at, to know that he has what it takes.  And S - she is going to be a fabulous Mama!  She's excellent with Gaby, and told me she has already fallen madly in love with the little one growing inside of her.  It's going to be quite exciting, to welcome another baby into the world, so soon after Emersyn!  I really like the fact that Emersyn is going to have a little 'cousin' (3rd cousin), so close in age to her.  It'd be lovely if they could grow up, nice & close!

New beginnings... there is nothing better!

Really stressing now....

I had my booking appointment for my repeat cesarean, when I had my last ob appointment - at 28w1d.  The ob BOOKED the c/s date then & there, and told me I would get the date sent out to me in the post 'in the next week'.  It is now 11 days post appointment, and still I haven't received a thing in the post.  I wouldn't care so much, but my parents, sister & Jason NEED a date asap, so they can arrange time off work.

I rang the hospital, and ended up getting put through to the doctor I saw at my last appointment (who was not nice)... I asked her what was going on, and she informed me that I "may not get the appointment until 37 weeks"...... THAT is obsurd.  Firstly, why would she tell me I'd get the appointment "in the next week", if that isn't going to be the case.  And secondly, if I don't get the appointment, until 37 weeks - like she's suggesting, that means that my parents, sister & Jason WON'T be able to get time off, when they need it.

What that really means, is that unless the cesarean is on a Saturday or a Sunday

- I won't have anyone to care for Gaby during the day, while I'm in hospital

- I won't have anyone in the operating theatre with me, when I have my cesarean

- I won't have anyone to care for Gaby while I have the cesarean

- Jason won't be able to come down, because flights will be too expensive, so close to the time

???? I 'm trying not to stress out - I really am.  I know that I'm lucky to be given the date beforehand, BUT.... I don't see how I'm meant to have everything planned with only 2 weeks notice....

100 days to go!

Today I am 25w5d pregnant - and according to my ticker, have a mere 100 days to go, until Emersyn's due date!  I guess technically I only have 86-93 days to go, because I'll be having a c/s @ 38-39 weeks, but still... 100 days until my actual EDD is pretty cool!  

I am feeling good, a little more uncomfortable in bed at night, a little more uncomfortable when walking around, or standing around... but in general I feel rather good!  I presumed I'd have had sciatica by now - I had it from about 15w with Gaby, but so far, nothing!  My appetite is back, however I am finding it increasingly harder to be able to eat a decent sized meal... I often find myself eating about 1/4 of my meal, putting it in the microwave - and then going back a little later for more.. and I guess that's the way to do it about now!

As far as I know, Emersyn is doing well.  She is still active and kicking me - which is lovely, nothing nicer than feeling her kicking in there, to make me feel positive, and like this pregnancy is going to have a positive outcome. I know that a lot of people by this point, won't be expecting anything to go wrong, but with my anxiety, past losses - and I guess also through knowing various members who've had late losses & stillbirths, on JM, it does make me realise that things are never for sure.  All I can do is take it a day at a time, and that is what I'm trying to do.

I am however 110% that I don't want any further pregnancies, and that I will be getting a tubal ligation at the time I have my cesarean.  I don't feel that it is fair to put Gaby - and Emersyn, through 9 months of having a stressed out, anxious, terrified mother... 9 months is a long time in the life of a child, and I know I wouldn't feel right if I spent that time concentrating on something that *could* happen, rather than spending the time enjoying my two girls.  I need to talk to the obstetrician at the hospital when I go for my next high risk appt, as they are going to schedule my cesarean - and will be the ones who say yay or nay to my request for a tubal ligation.  My midwife seems to think they won't have any issues with it, being that I'm 26 & (will) have had 2 children by that time... and then adding in my history of (early) losses, my anxiety & depression... she thinks it won't be something they'll fight me about.

Can't believe that next week I'll officially be in the 3rd trimester!!!!!!  Seemed like a lifetime away, back when I found out in October... but the weeks seems to be speeding by, I'm sure the point will come where I will wish that time could slow down a little.  End of the day though, I can't wait for June, and to hear those first cries, from my baby girl.  

*cue the tears*

We officially have a fetus!

I'm 9w0d today, therefore our baby has graduated from embryo, to fetus!  It's probably silly that I'm excited about it, but I can't help myself - because it means we've passed another milestone!!!!!  According to the 'the bump' website, baby is around the same size as an olive... I don't know how accurate that is, but it's cool to have something to picture in my mind, for comparison!

I am feeling a bit more positive about the pregnancy now, I guess because we've had two positive ultrasounds - I probably won't ever feel 100% convinced that all will be okay, but for the time being, I'm going with the flow, and being the best incubator that I can be!  My symptoms seem to have settled down, I'm not really getting morning sickness anymore - I have a few bouts of nausea here and there, but I'm not vomitting each day - which is nice.  My breasts are pretty much constantly sore though - which is providing a lot of reassurance for me, and at the same time, my fatigue is 10x worse than it was a week or two ago... I don't mind though - I can handle fatigue!  Prefer it to morning sickness, any day!

Gaby & I head for Queenstown tomorrow, and I can't wait - but I still have all our packing to do today!!  It's raining, so my plans for having loads of laundry on the line probably won't come to fruition - thank goodness for the invention that is the clothes drier!!!!  I hate using it, but needs must........

More spotting... another ultrasound scheduled

Last night I had some more spotting, and it was accompanied by bad backpain, I rang my midwife and she told me that she'd organise an u/s for me for today.  So at 1pm we are booked in for an ultrasound, and I am crossing my fingers, toes & anything else crossable, that we have as good of an outcome, as we did last time.  My spotting HAS stopped, and I'm feeling rather pregnant today, so I am hoping that those are all good signs - I guess that by around 1.15pm, I will know....

TMI ALERT:  I am quite constipated, and noticed the spotting last night after I had tried to.. relieve... my poor intestines, so I'm wondering if the spotting was related to all that... 'effort'.  As for the back pain, it WAS sore before the spotting etc occurred so hopefully it isn't actually related at all... it feels like sciatica today, so perhaps it's just the beginnings of my pregnancy back pain.  From memory it started around this point with Gaby. 

I am trying my hardest to think positive, and to not stress too much - and I think I'm somewhat accomplishing it, mostly because of what happened with my last bout of spotting - we had a great u/s & saw baby & the heartbeat... and this spotting is even less than last time....

I guess I'll be updating this later today, hopefully with 8w1d u/s pics!

really excited about Christmas!

I've always liked Christmas - but this year, I have a feeling the whole experience is going to be extra special.. because of Gaby!  This year Gaby KNOWS who Santa is, and what he's 'all about' (ie presents!) - and everyday she tells me "it's almost Christmas", and talks about what she is going to ask Santa for, and that she needs to be a good girl for Santa to come... 

Santa is usually in the malls around the 9th December, and I cannot WAIT to take her to sit on Santa's knee!!  Last year I took her, but she SCREAMED when it came time to sit on his knee, so it was a bit of a fizzer - but I think this year she will be more than happy to go and sit on Santa's knee & tell him she wants "lots of Dora stuff"!  We are also going to take her to the big Santa parade this year as well - and I can't wait!  It's always on the first Sunday of December, and Sunday is Stu's day to have her, so I was kind of upset that I couldn't take her...  So I decided to just be straight up & ask if he minded if I took her this year - I did tell him if he wanted to - that seeing Sunday is 'his' day, that he could just take her... but luckily for me, he thought it would be best if I took her (ie. it'd be too much responsibility for him to keep an eye on her for that whole time).

We are going to get her a bike for Christmas, and I can't wait to see her face when we give it to her - it's going to be priceless (I hope!).  I found the bike I wanted to get her, last week - and as soon as Dec 1st rolls around (and we can use our Christmas Club card), I will be going out to buy it, before anyone else takes it!  Of course it's a Dora one, and I noticed they have Dora helmets as well - so she should get her wish of "lots of Dora stuff"...  It was really freaky when we were at K-Mart last week & she hopped on the 2 wheeler & rode off... I expected her to need some help to get going, but nope - it seemed to come naturally to her!  That said, I am thinking that she may have a bike at her father's house, which would make sense as to why she was so confident on it!

By the time Christmas rolls around, I will be in the 2nd trimester, and hope to be feeling a bit more alive, and like my old self.  I really don't want to be puking all Christmas day - or falling asleep by lunchtime!  We should get our 12w u/s in the first half of December - and I just hope that we get a good result - I keep getting worried that I've had a missed miscarriage, though I know that I have no reason to think that.  I still have my symptoms, and surely if I had had a missed m/c, my symptoms would have gone away.  Either way, by Christmas we'll know what is going on with our bubs, and hopefully it will be a joyful day, knowing that my big girl is happy & healthy - and being spoilt rotten, and that my little bubba is growing safely inside my belly!

Hopefully today, we will get some answers

I rang the ultrasound place this morning, and explained I've been spotting over the weekend, and asked if it'd be possible to get in, today for my u/s - rather than tomorrow...  Luckily they were really good, and I have an appointment for 3.30pm (around 4 hours away).  I know that a day doesn't sound like much, but if I am miscarrying, I'd sooner know NOW, than have the anxiety etc, for another 24 hours.  Perhaps it's impatience on my part, but it's *me*.

I DID read online that baby aspirin (which my m/w put me on last week), can cause early spotting in pregnancy, so I am grasping onto the tiniest little possibility that THAT is the reason behind my spotting.  That said, I think my boobs are getting less sore, and I haven't had morning sickness the past two days, so it is still looking likely that it is an early m/c.  But then part of me thinks "mind over matter" - because I THINK I'm miscarrying, am I stopping myself from having morning sickness?  Yeap - grasping for straws, that's me!!!

Hopefully my next blog will contain a picture of my little bean, but i'm 99% sure it'll be more along the lines of "let the testing [for why I keep m/c'ing] begin"...  Who knows huh!  But as Jason said, I'm not going through this alone, and we will work through whatever happens, together... Which is something I've never really had - so if I AM miscarrying, hopefully having some support, will make it a tad easier to deal with....

Fingers crossed....

... and then there is the anxiety

I always think that getting pregnant is the hard job - then as soon as I get my BFP (whether it was planned, or not) - along comes the anxiety.  I guess after experiencing 4 1st trimester losses, a lot of the innocence & excitement of pregnancy, is gone - and it has been replaced more by a negative "chances are, I will miscarry" type of attitude.  This morning I wiped and there was a tiny bit of colour on the toilet paper - it wasn't red, it wasn't pink, it wasn't even brown - but it was colour & was enough to make me hear alarm bells.  I want this baby so bad - Jason wants this baby so bad, and I feel as if I am going to ruin it all for us, and have another miscarriage.  I wish I could be put in a coma for the next 8 weeks - they can wake me up when I am having my 12w ultrasound & the little bubba is moving all around...

I wish I could be more positive, but it seems really hard.  I just have to try and remember that I have symptoms, which is a good sign - my boobs are sore, which is a very good sign for me.  Jason is working until 4pm today, so it's not like I have him to talk to about how I'm feeling (not immediately anyway) - so everything is going round and round in my head, driving me rather crazy!!!  The ONE thing that I am thinking would be a slight 'positive' of miscarrying, is that I can get the testing done, to try to figure out WHY I keep miscarrying.. I hope to heck it doesn't come to that though...

No doubt about it - I'm up the duff!

Well after 6 days of positive tests, I believe I am definately up the duff!!!!!  When AF was late I finally started believing it, and then after very convincing BFP's at 4w0d & 4w2d, I don't think there is much denying it!  Jason seems to be very excited, but a little cautious - as am I.  My history of losses makes the next 8 weeks or so, a very scary prospect for us.  I have experienced losses at 5w4d, 6w1d, 8w0d & 10w4d - so until I reach the 12 week mark & we see our little bean, I don't think the stress will really stop!

My symptoms are right up there though, which is giving me some confidence - I've been vomitting 3-4 times a day, since around 13DPO, I'm tired all day, I've been cramping, peeing what feels like every 10 seconds & my back is sore.  My boobs seem to be starting to get sore, which is a great thing, because my losses, I haven't had sore boobs.. so come on boobies - get  aching!  

I rang the midwife I have chosen to do my care, and she was very friendly, and has scheduled me in next Thursday - 22nd October (gosh, my precious Angel-Nephew's b/day!) for my first appointment, and to refer me to the clinic who deal with women who have had recurrent losses.  Strangely I am not worried that this may be another ectopic pregnancy - maybe because my pregnancy is going according to plan (ie tests getting darker, AF has stayed away, whereas with my ectopic I got AF when she was due, and hcg was up and down).  I am trying to stay positive, to make myself believe this is a sticky little bean.  I just hope that is the case!  

We should be scheduled for an u/s around 7w, to make sure the baby is in the uterus, and that there is a h/b - so that will be our first big milestone to make it to.  Up until now all my early-pregnancy u/s have had sad results, so I'm hoping this pregnancy will be the one where we get a GOOD outcome.  This is the first pregnancy that I've really had the father there with me for support, and I think that is making it all a bit easier on me.  The thought of that first u/s is still really scary though.

Here is a pic of my BFP from today - the test line came up before the control line (yay) & as dark as (maybe darker) than it as well!

 

Compared to my BFP at 14DPO / 4w0d

 

 

It's an amazing feeling to be pregnant again, and such a novelty to have someone to share it with, who is there because he *wants* to be, and not because it 'seems like the right thing'.  I can't wait until we can tell Gaby that she is going to be a big sister, but I have no idea WHEN to tell her.  I guess I can tell her when I don't mind everyone else knowing - because Gaby will tell everyone she sees!  I am going to TRY and hold out telling, until our first ultrasound, but we'll see what happens!