Throughout my pregnancy, I was adamant that I wanted to breastfeed, that I was going to give it the biggest effort that I could muster. I didn't want to formula feed again, because I felt with Gaby, that I missed out on something special, by not breastfeeding - plus I could do without the costs that formula feeding entails.
While I was in hospital, I really gave it my all - I was so determined to 'learn' how to breastfeed, if it was the last thing I did. I saw the lactation consultant in the hospital, I spoke to the midwives for pointers & to see if they had any wisdom for me. We were sometimes able to latch by ourselves, and sometimes Emersyn would have a decent feed, but the other half of the time we couldn't latch, and both of us would end up in tears - until the midwife came & helped us to latch on. I felt somewhat confident, on the morning we left, that I could do it - that I could go home & breastfeed my baby.
I managed two feeds, before the latching problem became too much for me. Emersyn was feeding for 3 minutes at a time, and was constantly grizzly - I knew she wasn't getting enough, but hoped that somehow it'd all just mesh & we would be fine. That didn't come to fruition however... Sunday night, I spent 5 hours crying, Emersyn spent 5 hours crying - while we tried to latch in different positions, I tried my best to stay relaxed, but it just wasn't working.... at midnight I bundled the kids up in the car & we drove to the nearest 24 hour supermarket to get bottles... and formula...
I cried while driving to the supermarket (perhaps not the safest time to drive), I cried while walking through the supermarket, I cried on the way home.... I bawled as I made up the first bottle of formula, and bawled even harder, as Emersyn suckled away ravenously on the bottle, making up for the feeds she had missed out on. After her first bottle, Emersyn went straight to sleep - exhausted from hours of crying, and I hopped in bed - then cried as I went to sleep, because I felt like such a failure.... I'd made it clear to everyone that I was GOING to breastfeed, and that formula feeding wasn't an option, yet only 4-5 days after her birth, there I was - making up formula again.
The next day I confessed to my Mum, who was very supportive - of anyone she knew how badly I wanted to breastfeed, and how hard I had tried... I felt a little better when she told me that formula feeding didn't make me a failure, but at the same time, I knew that she was saying that because she was my Mum - and she's not the type of parent who would call her daughter a failure. I had the midwife later that afternoon, and knew for sure that I would get a 'telling off' from her - but was amazed when she told me that formula feeding wasn't a sign of weakness, it wasn't a sign that I was a failure, or a bad parent, or that I gave up too easily - and that the most important thing was that Emersyn was being fed. Full stop. We spoke a little about my issues (which were the same I had with Gaby), and about how I was feeling about formula feeding - and she reassured me over and over, that it was okay, that YES, breast is best - but in reality it doesn't work for everyone.
In a text message to my Mum, I told her that since I had started formula feeding, I was happier, and Emersyn was happier - which led to Gaby being happier, and that was the main thing... and it formed my new parenting mantra...
HAPPY MUMMY, HAPPY EMERSYN, HAPPY GABY - HAPPY FAMILY......
... and at the end of the day, I do believe that is what is most important... I was so tense and nervous while breastfeeding, and anxious about breastfeeding, that it was preventing me from making the most of the early days of my daughters life - as had happened with Gaby, and I decided that I would sooner be able to take it all in, and have a relaxed, happy, calm atmosphere at home, than to have that anxiety, stress & tension, cause a horrible home environment.
Am I upset that I couldn't breastfeed? Yes.
But am I happy, is Emersyn happy, is Gaby happy? Yes....
and the latter is what is *the* most important thing to me. So am I a failure? No. I don't think so. I'm doing what *I* know is best for *my* family... my daughter still has somewhere warm to sleep, she gets lots of love & cuddles, she is regularly fed - and is thriving, so surely, as a parent - I am doing something right...
Friday, July 2, 2010
Formula = Failure? I dont think so...
Posted by Emma at 8:16 PM 0 comments
Labels: anxiety, family, formula feeding, midwife, newborn, parenting
Monday, June 28, 2010
Ovaries doing there thing.. but nowhere for the egg to go!
I realised today that I am having (or about to have) my first post partum ovulation - my first thought was "well I don't need to worry - because I'm single there is no way I can get pregnant!", then it dawned on me... I HAD A TUBAL LIGATION - there really IS no way for me to get pregnant now (well, technically!). I feel strange knowing that I won't be pregnant again, that that part of my life is over... never again will I get a BFP, or have a first glimpse of my baby, or find out the sex, or complain about pregnancy-related heartburn, or cry when I hear my baby cry for the first time.
I don't feel sad about it, I don't regret it - but it does feel weird. Might sound strange, but I feel a little more relaxed, knowing that I technically shouldn't be able to get pregnant now. I have had such bad luck with birth control in the past - that I never really felt safe with ANY of the forms of BC I used. But this time, with all pathways to the uterus being cut, I feel pretty certain that there will be no more unplanned - or planned, pregnancies for me!
Posted by Emma at 1:34 PM 0 comments
Labels: tubal ligation
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Life with a baby in the house
Life with a baby in the house has taken a little while to get used to!!!! I didn't realise how settled into our own routine, Gaby & I were - and then Miss Emersyn came home and it allllll got tossed up in the air & mooshed around... that said, it only took a couple of days for me to get back into the newborn swing of things - feeding, changing nappies, keeping on top of housework, going to bed 2 hours earlier than normal at night to catch up on some sleep. It's kind of like I never stopped!
The only difference has been adapting to life with a newborn & a 3 1/2yo.... For the most part, I think we are doing well, but I do feel that I'm somewhat 'neglecting' Gaby - not in the not feeding, not cleaning, not caring what she does sense, but in the affection sense. It seems everyday I plan to make time *just* for Gaby, where we can do something together, and I can devote all my attention to her, but once the baby is in bed, there is washing to be folded, dishes to be done, jobs jobs and more jobs - and next thing I know it's time for Gaby to go to bed. Gaby doesn't seem to be displaying signs of feeling left out, or feeling like she's not getting enough love, but *I* am aware of it. I guess once Emersyn is a little older, my parents will be able to take her for an hour or two, and we can REALLY concentrate on having Mummy & Gaby time.
Gaby is adapting really well to having a little sister! I doubt she could love her anymore than she does - as soon as Emery-Boo wakes up, Gaby is right by her side & doesn't leave until she's back in bed... she is always wanting to touch her, hold her, cuddle her, kiss her - it is so heartwarming, and makes all the dramas of the past 9 months, seem totally worth it. Because I'm bottle feeding Emersyn now, Gaby is able to help out with that - and I think that has helped her feel 'important' - but has also helped her start to bond more with Emersyn. I think that in a few weeks time, when Emersyn is taking more in, and actually staying awake for longer than it takes to give her a feed & change her nappy, the two of them will really start to interact. I can't wait!
Emersyn's father was down for 6 days this week, so he could meet his little girl & spend some time with her... he was very much the doting father, and whenever he was holding her (which was most of the time), he couldn't take his eyes off her. When he had to leave on Friday, he cried - which I thought was really sweet, and is a nice change from Gaby's father, who has never really seemed terribly fussed about spending time with her, or not. At this point, he is going to try and get down every 6 weeks for a weekend - hopefully he is able to manage that, it will be beneficial for him, and for Emersyn... no matter how *I* feel about him, I still want him to be an active part of her life, and someone she knows that she can rely on. On Friday Emersyn met her Nana, and she seemed very smitten as well! It's nice to know that even though me & Jason aren't together, that his family can look past it, and be happy to see me, and excited about seeing Emersyn & spending time with her. Her Nana lives down here, so hopefully she will be a somewhat regular feature in Emersyn's life.
Here are a few recent pictures of little miss Emmy
Posted by Emma at 2:50 PM 0 comments
Labels: big sister, bonding, Emersyn, family, motherhood, newborn, routine
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The arrival of Emersyn Lily-May!
16 June 2010, 10.10am
8lb0oz, 21.7"
little sister to Gabrielle Jayda-Leigh
Posted by Emma at 1:35 PM 0 comments
Labels: big sister, birthday, bonding, cesarean birth, Emersyn, family, heartbeat, medication, memories, midwife, motherhood, news, obstetrician
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Two days to go!
Posted by Emma at 5:18 PM 0 comments
Labels: baby movement, big sister, cesarean birth, Emersyn, family, midwife, motherhood, obstetrician, positivity, pregnant, tubal ligation
Sunday, June 6, 2010
False alarm.. home & pregnant!
Posted by Emma at 8:57 PM 0 comments
Labels: baby movement, cesarean birth, contractions, early labour, heartbeat, medication, obstetrician, pregnant, pregnant and epilepsy
Friday, June 4, 2010
potential early labour - hospital here I come!
Posted by Emma at 2:03 PM 0 comments
Labels: cesarean birth, contractions, early labour, Emersyn, pregnant and epilepsy
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Full term!
Posted by Emma at 3:41 PM 0 comments
Labels: baby preparations, big sister, child development, Emersyn, learning, milestones, motherhood, parenting, pregnant, preschool
Sunday, May 30, 2010
So much to say, no motivation to say it...
Posted by Emma at 2:09 PM 0 comments
Labels: anxiety, baby movement, baby preparations, Emersyn, ill, obstetrician, positivity, pregnant, ultrasound
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Hormones & news stories.. not a good mix
Posted by Emma at 3:30 PM 0 comments
Labels: news
Friday, May 14, 2010
Rambling reality
Posted by Emma at 7:33 PM 0 comments
Labels: anxiety, baby preparations, big sister, bonding, Emersyn, family, parenting, pregnant
Saturday, May 8, 2010
In-utero hiccups! See them here!
Emersyn had the hiccups & was moving around the womb at the same time... Naturally, I HAD to video it!
Posted by Emma at 4:31 PM 0 comments
Labels: baby movement, Emersyn, pregnant
The free gift that has kept on giving - for 45-ish years!
Posted by Emma at 4:14 PM 0 comments
Labels: family, imagination, motherhood
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
4 weeks until.. 6 weeks until...
Posted by Emma at 6:31 PM 0 comments
Labels: anxiety, big sister, Emersyn, family, motherhood, positivity
Friday, April 30, 2010
Next month, I shall be a mother of 2!
It is now May 1st, here in New Zealand - so I can officially say "next month, Emersyn will be here!". How long have I waited to say those words? It used to feel like this time would never roll around, but here it is... and looking back, the time has actually gone exceptionally fast!!!!!! I am now 32 weeks pregnant, and it still feels - at times, as if I am counting down the days, until my gender ultrasound!
I had another growth ultrasound on Wednesday, and Emersyn is STILL measuring above the 90th percentile for her weight, and around the 80th for general body size. The high risk ob said that the body measurements were all great, however she has an enormous head - but when I told her that Gaby had a huge head at birth (37.5cm/15in), she said it is quite possible that I just have babies, with big heads! If Emersyn's weight is still above the 90th percentile, at the next growth scan, the high risk ob has said she'll send me for the GTT again. I passed the GTT at 28w, easily - but she said that it (GD) can develop later than 28 weeks. I don't mind having to do the test again, I'd sooner be safe than sorry... but I think I am just growing a naturally big baby!
I noticed Gaby had a little sore on her mouth, a few days ago - and presumed it was a coldsore... it didn't seem to bother her, but yesterday she started getting new sores, popping up every hour. That naturally got my spidey/mummy senses tingling, so I took her into the pharmacy & the pharmacist said it looked like impetigo. Having had that 10 years ago, I knew how unpleasant it was, if it was left untreated - so luckily got her in to the doctor later in the afternoon. She's now had 4 doses of cream & antibiotics, and her mouth is looking a LOT better - definately less red, and the smaller sores have all but disappeared!
Posted by Emma at 6:44 PM 0 comments
Labels: fetal development, motherhood, obstetrician, ultrasound
Friday, April 23, 2010
Balance.. it's all about balance...
Posted by Emma at 6:30 PM 0 comments
Labels: baby preparations, big sister, motherhood, parenting, routine
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Gaby Inquisition
Gaby has reached a new milestone - asking questions! All of a sudden, I am being asked questions on a regular basis, which there isn't an obvious answer to - and I'm a little unsure how to handle it!
This morning, on the way to preschool, Gaby asked me "Mummy, who made outside??"... We are not a religious family, so I didn't see it as a chance for a conversation about god, but I did want to answer her question, in a way that would make sense to her, and in a way that would get her attention and encourage her to think further about it. I ended up talking to her about seeds - how they grow new plants/grass/trees/bushes/flowers/etc, and how they are spread around.. the role the wind plays, the role that birds play, etc etc. I hoped that it would be a suitable explanation for her - and it seems that it was, because we spoke about it the whole way to preschool (15 minutes or so)!
I do want her to be naturally inquisitive, to feel she can ask questions - so that I can assist her learning, but I'm fast realising that I'm going to need to be armed with resources, for when she asks a question that isn't so easy to answer!!! It would be easy to just say "I don't know hunny" - and leave it at that, but that isn't really making the most of the opportunity for learning, so I would prefer to be able to say "I don't know - lets have a look at a book/website that will teach us both about how/why/etc ___________ happens". I see it as a way to encourage her learning, and independent thought - but also another form of activity that we can do together, and bond over.
After our little talk today about seeds, I am going to try and track down some seeds that will grow quickly, inside - so she can see for herself what happens, rather than just taking my word for it. I have always been more of a visual learner, and it may well be that Gaby is too... and I want to do what I can to help out!
This is the first time I've felt like I'm dealing with a child, rather than just a 'little kid' or 'my 3 year old'. She is asking mature questions, she is using mature thought... it's all a little scary & a little exciting, at the same time!
Posted by Emma at 6:46 PM 0 comments
Labels: bonding, child development, learning, milestones, motherhood, parenting
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Really stressing now....
Posted by Emma at 3:49 PM 0 comments
Labels: anxiety, baby preparations, cesarean birth, family, obstetrician
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Single Parenting... Alone...
I am a single parent - but I never really feel like I'm 'alone' as such, mainly because my parents are so close at hand, and have been such a great support to me, ever since I got pregnant with Gaby.
I realised last night now different it is going to be, when I bring Emersyn home from the hospital. When I had Gaby - we were living at my parents, so although I was a 'single parent' I wasn't doing it alone - I was living with two other adults, who helped out where they could. They never took over the role of parent, they never made decisions about Gaby, they never once told me what to do with her - but they were there with advice when I asked for it, they were there with supportive words when I was feeling stuck.. they were just *there*, in a sense 'overlooking' the whole thing.
With Emersyn, I AM going to be ALONE. When I come home from the hospital, Mum isn't going to be there cooking dinner, Dad isn't going to be there being funny, Dad won't be there, getting up at 6.45am (for work) when I am up with Emersyn... Mum won't steal her away for hugs, and make it code for "go and have a little time to yourself". I'm not going to have anyone overlooking me.. or Emersyn... I'm going to be flying solo.
It's going to be so much different than it was with Gaby, there is just going to be me, to be in charge of every single aspect of our lives! I am not worried about it, not scared, not wishing it was different - it will be lovely being alone with my girls, but it is going to be DIFFERENT. My parents are only a ten minute drive away from my house, and I know that they'll still be just as supportive as they were, when I had Gaby... but they won't be RIGHT THERE, when I look left or right, or call out down the hallway.
I have been on my own with Gaby for close enough to 2 1/2 years, but it's going to be weird, being alone with Emersyn, right from the word go. Of course I have the benefit of having already parented a newborn/infant - so I'm sure it won't be as hard as it was with Gaby, but it will be strange... in a way, it kind of feels as if I've taken off the training wheels... or I'm gong on my first solo flight....
Posted by Emma at 5:58 PM 0 comments
Labels: baby preparations, Emersyn, family, memories, motherhood
Monday, April 5, 2010
Recipe Time - Salsa Bean Soup...
Something a little different than your usual soup.... nice & healthy.. and very tasty!
15oz Black Beans (rinsed)
8oz Salsa
1/2c Cilantro (chopped)
1/2tsp Chilli Powder
1tbsp Minced Garlic
2c Water
1tbsp Olive Oil
heat olive oil on medium high
add garlic, saute for 30 seconds
add water, salsa, beans & chilli powder
bring to boil, reduce heat
simmer for 2 minutes
take 3 cups of the mixture & blend until smooth, then return to the pot
simmer for another 10 minutes
add cilantro, remove from heat
serve!
Posted by Emma at 8:31 PM 0 comments
Labels: recipe
My Cloth Stash Arrived!
Posted by Emma at 7:14 PM 0 comments
Labels: cloth nappies
Monday, March 29, 2010
my teeny tiny blob is now 3lb1oz
I had my first of 2-3 growth ultrasounds yesterday... the high risk ob wants me to have them, due to the small possibility I have something wrong with my placenta (which caused the bleeding I've had throughout the pregnancy), and also due to the small risk of fetal abnormalities, from the anti-epilpetic medication that I'm on. I don't mind needing the u/s - I would sooner know if something isn't looking good, than find out after she's born - or have something serious happen toward the end of my pregnancy.
Emersyn was looking fabulous!!!! She now weighs approximately 3lb1oz, placenta, cervix & amniotic fluid were all looking really good. I had a feeling everything WOULD be fine, but as usual (for me anyway), there was some pre-ultrasound anxiety & a little paranoia going on - but as soon as I saw her wiggling around on the screen, I knew everything was A-OK.
I see the high risk ob again on Thursday, and presume I'll find out when I will have my next ultrasound, but I'm picking it'll be at around 34 weeks. My last appointment the ob said that if this one came back perfect, that we would skip the 32 weeks u/s & do one closer to 36 weeks. Much as it would be lovely to see Emersyn again in 4 weeks, I don't mind if I have to wait until closer to 36 weeks.
It has been amazing to watch Emersyn grow, through my seemingly regular ultrasound. My first was at 5w6d & she was barely there.. a tiny little speck on the screen. 8w1d there was an obvious 'head end' and a 'tail end' - but no real definition. 12w1d she looked like a human! A very obvious head, eyes, mouth, nose, legs, arms, fingers, toes.. a beautiful sight! 19w2d she had grown a lot since I last saw her, and we saw her kicking her little legs, punching with her arms - and got to see that she was a girl. 23w2d - even more growth, her face looked more clear, her movements more precise... amazing. and then yesterday - 27w5d, we got to see her yawning, poking her tongue out - and kicking herself in the head. She'd also doubled in weight since the last time I saw her! It's special to be able to watch this little human developing....
& speaking of the little human, here is a profile picture, from yesterday's ultrasound
Posted by Emma at 2:56 PM 0 comments
Labels: baby movement, bonding, Emersyn, fetal development, obstetrician, ultrasound
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Posted by Emma at 1:23 PM 0 comments
Labels: motherhood
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Little trip away..
We spent Friday/Saturday at a glorious little place called 'Tikao Bay'... we were very secluded, and it was really lovely! We went with Mum & Dad, and met [Great] Uncle Steve, his wife Linda, their daughter Tahna, and Steve's eldest daughter - Sharlene there. it was the first time in a long while that we've spent a decent amount of time with Steve, Linda & Tahna, so it was really nice to have the opportunity to catch up with them!
Gaby had a blast, running around, exploring the area, playing down at the little beach (when the tide wasn't in, anyway) - and there was a huge shed there, which had an abandoned tractor in it, so Gaby had a tonne of fun playing on that! We didn't do anything specific there - we sat & caught up, we went for little walks, and really just RELAXED, which I think is something we don't do enough of! It was sad we were only there for 24 hours, but at the same time, it was nice to get home... although I'm sure we could have all handled another night there!
Here are a few photos from our 24 hours, they'll help give you an idea of how gorgeous our surroundings were - and how secluded we were...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Super Proud Mama Moment!
Posted by Emma at 1:55 PM 0 comments
Labels: child development, milestones, night training, routine, tubal ligation
Monday, March 15, 2010
Gaby's exciting news...
Posted by Emma at 1:15 PM 0 comments
Labels: child development, memories, motherhood, preschool
Sunday, March 14, 2010
100 days to go!
Posted by Emma at 1:37 PM 0 comments
Labels: anxiety, baby movement, cesarean birth, depression, Emersyn, midwife, obstetrician, pregnancy loss, pregnant, tubal ligation
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Gaby & Lily - BFF's! (onto the next stage of development)
Posted by Emma at 11:50 AM 0 comments
Labels: child development, imagination, preschool
Monday, March 8, 2010
Cool JM feature, that I had no idea about!
I rarely look at the right toolbar on JM, which contains links to various tools, articles etc... however when I saw one about fetal development month by month, I clicked on.... and then noticed a link entitled "Pregnancy Week by Week" - I am very interested in reading week-specific information, so this link seemed like a must-click-link to me!
It is awesome, very well set out and has a lot of interesting information, about how you may be feeling physically & emotionally each week, about various things you should be thinking about, or talking to your LMC about at that point of pregnancy
this is the link:
Pregnancy - Week by Week / JustMommies
I am now bookmarking this link & will use it as another way to countdown the final weeks of this pregnancy!
Posted by Emma at 7:21 PM 0 comments
Labels: fetal development, JM tools
Friday, March 5, 2010
High risk ob update - a positive one!
Posted by Emma at 6:31 PM 0 comments
Labels: BV, heartbeat, obstetrician, ultrasound