Happy 2010!

It has been 2010 for 7 hours, 49 minutes now - and so far, the year is off to a good start - by that I mean I got to sleep in, until 7.30!  Wow...  I've been trying to decide if 2009 was a good year, or a bad year for me, and I think that in general it was a good year.  Though I had some things happen that were bad, there was also a tonne of good mixed in... I got to learn more about myself, I experienced love, I got pregnant & of course I got to watch Miss Gaby growing up, even more... & seeing her developing from a toddler, to a child, has been one of the highlights of my LIFE. 

It's amazing, thinking that she was once as tiny as this baby is now, that she was once a helpless newborn, that she was once incapable of moving around, that she relied on me to feed her, to dress her, to change her nappies.... & now she dresses herself, feeds herself, goes to the toilet by herself, talks up a storm, is aware of the world around her, she can count to 10 (well she can count to 'eleventy')... she's an clever, healthy, cheerful, wise, insightful, just simply wonderful, young child!

2010 is going to be a crazy, exciting year for me - and for Gaby...  There are now approximately 23-24 weeks until this little bundle of joy will be born - we are getting well down toward the 'last half' of the pregnancy, and it is exciting, yet scary - all at the same time!!  Baby is starting to move a lot more now, which is reassuring - but I find that if he/she doesn't move for a few hours, it causes me to freak out that something is wrong, and that whole feeling sort of takes me over, until baby decides to humour me, and gives me a few obvious kicks.  It will be good to get to the point of my pregnancy, where the movements are regular & more than obvious... I just try to remind myself that a few more weeks and it will be a bit less nervewracking, but that doesn't mean the next few weeks won't go slowly!  I think I am starting to get a bit of a belly - well, my shape is changing anyway.  I'm very overweight, so I probably won't LOOK obviously pregnant (to others) until closer to the third trimester - that kind of upsets me, but I guess I am used to it, after being pregnant with Gaby.  I 'popped' at 26w0d last time, which was a lot later than most of the women in my DDC... but I think it *may* happen earlier this time.. sure hope so!

To everyone who reads this:  I hope you & your family have a wonderful 2010, and that it is full of joy & wonder!

Christmas 2009.. over & done!

We had a fabulous Christmas Day!!  I woke up on and off from 5am, but I woke at 6.15am, and Gaby woke up too - so I figured that was a decent enough time to start Christmas Day.  Gaby seemed to have forgotten about Santa, as it wasn't until she came back to the bedroom & her Santa sack was on the bed, that she seemed to get excited.  Mum came into the bedroom - I guess she'd been awake early too, and sat on the bed with us, while Gaby opened her presents.  It was so cute seeing her getting excited about the various presents, I think she was very happy with her little Santa haul!

 

We went into the lounge afterward, to let Poppa sleep awhile longer - Gaby had some muesli (granola?) for breakfast, and then watched some Playhouse Disney... VERY surprisingly, she didn't bother us about opening the presents under the tree, and she waited extremely patiently, for Poppa to get up.  Around 8am Poppa got up, and we were onto the tree presents!

Gaby was extremely spoilt!  She got:

• a box of wooden puzzles, from Nana Joyce
• a beach towel, in a bag, from Grandma
• a toy piano, from Aunty Jane
• a box of 3 ducks, filled with bubble bath, from me
• a Dora top, Dora pencil case set, Little Miss Chatterbox singlet & undies set, a Dora beach towel, and a Dora cushion, from Nan & Poppa
• a pair of shoes and some hair clips, from Jasmine & Alice
• a bottle of bubble mixture, from Livi & Will
• a bottle of bubble mixture, from Debbie & Mark
• a Dora hooded beach towel, from Rikki & Sarah

 

Her final present, was from me.  The first part of her present, was a Dora helmet - she was excited about this, but sort of had the attitude of "great - a helmet - but what use is it without a bike?", so Nan told her that she could ride on Poppa's bike with the helmet, or on her bike - and that seemed to cheer Gaby up.  It was then we went out to the garage so that she could have a ride on 'Poppas' bike....  Of course she got out to the garage & there, parked beside Poppa's bike - was the Dora bike she has been asking for for MONTHS!  She was quite overwhelmed, and all she said was "Oh - I think I'll ride this bike!!" - she got on the bike & then off she went!!!

 

At 11am, Gaby left to spend 4 hours at her fathers house, so we had a little peace and quiet, until Debbie, Mark, Rikki, Sarah & Corey arrived, around 11.30... We had a lovely time catching up, and just relaxing - Christmas Dinner (lunch) OF COURSE, was a complete success, and resulted in a lot of full tummys... Rikki & Corey (cousins) went and had little Nana naps afterward, which seemed funny - isn't it meant to be the old[er] people who go for naps after Christmas lunch?!

The afternoon went past quickly - 3pm Gaby got back from her fathers, and she played non stop, until around 10.30pm, when we went home!  There was no real evening meal - everyone just helped themselves to the deserts and left overs from lunch, which is just the way it should be - why have a big effort for dinner, if there is still enough food left over from lunch, to feed an army?!  We played a little singstar later in the evening, and then played a game of Cranium - boys vs girls, which I am proud to announce, the girls won!

As I said, we went home around 10.30pm, and as soon as we got home we were in bed.  Gaby fell straight to sleep, but I was still buzzing a bit from the lovely day we'd had - though I soon nodded off too.  Gaby woke me up around 8.15am - which is a HUGE sleep in for me, so that was a lovely surprise!

I hope everyone else had as wonderful a day as we did!

Merry Christmas!

Oh - and those of you taking tally - Gaby got a total of 8 Dora presents...

 

Involving Gaby in my pregnancy...

Gaby has had me (basically) all to herself, since the moment she was born - and I know that with the new baby arriving, for the first time in her life, she is going to have to 'share' me...  And I want to make sure that I can make the transition as easy as possible for her... I  worry that the baby is going to arrive and she is going to feel second best, or as though the baby is more important than her.  That of course would NOT be the truth - if anything it is going to make her even more important to me, and is going to make me love her all the more.....

I'm trying to involve her in my pregnancy, as much as I can... she's been to my ultrasounds with me, though the first two she didn't really 'understand' what was happening, because the baby didn't look like a baby, but this last one she got visibly excited when she saw the baby - looking very much like a baby!  Every now and then I try to explain to her how big the baby is, and what new things it is doing - being that she's 3,  I don't go into a lot of detail, but I feel as though if I tell her, it's another way for her to feel involved - like it's not some 'secret big person business'....  When we look at baby clothes & equipment, I always involve her - asking what she thinks the baby will need, and what baby clothes she thinks are the cutest - she gets very animated when we do this, ripping things off the stands, and "oooo-ing" and "ahhh-ing" at how cute various outfits are.  When it came to deciding on the names, I asked her if she liked each of the names - and then let her choose one of the girl's middle names - so when she's older, she knows that she was part of naming her...  I also refer to the baby as OUR baby - not Mummy's baby, not MY baby, but OUR baby...

But then I have to ask myself if there needs to be balance - is talking so much about the baby, making her feel as though the baby is the most important thing going on in our lives at the moment?  She always seems happy to talk about the baby, and generally I take her lead as far as talking about the baby goes.. but perhaps I do need to create some special no-baby-talk-time, take Gaby out for special outtings, do special things with her, where there is NO talk about the baby, NO mention that I'm pregnant - where it is all about her...

I guess I need to just follow my instincts, and follow her lead as well... pay attention to how she is when we do talk about the baby.. if she seems grumpy, or not happy, perhaps that would be an indicator to tone things down a bit... but if she is excited and talking about the baby a lot - perhaps that'd be an indicator that I'm doing okay & she feels happy with the way things are......

This isn't really something I had thought about before I got pregnant... I presumed it'd be a natural progression, and I guess in some ways it IS... but I'm really worried about doing this the right (or wrong) way, and any lasting effect it could have on Gaby.....

the Christmas countdown is on!

There are only 6 days now (in NZ anyway), until Christmas Day!  It seems to have snuck up on me this year, I guess because I've had so much else going on - and particularly in the past few months... it seems like it was only Gaby's birthday a few weeks ago - yet, we are now in the final week countdown!!!!  Luckily for me, Gaby doesn't understand how close Christmas is - because I remember how much me & Terri (sister) annoyed Mum & Dad when we were kids, and Christmas was oh-so-close!!! 

The plan for Christmas day (so far) is that we (Gaby & I) will stay at my parents house on Christmas Eve, to save having to pack up and head over part way through the morning.  My Aunty & Uncle (Deb & Mark) will be there, along with Rikki & Sarah (cousin & his g/f) - and then around 2.30pm, my sister's flight will land - and she'll be on her way over!  Gaby is going with her father at 11am, probably until around 3pm - which will make things easier for us, as we're waiting until my sister arrives, to open a bulk of the presents... so it won't be such torture for Gaby, if she isn't there!

What started out as a 'simple' Christmas Day menu, has ended up rather large - with delights including:
Ham (one of Debbie & Marks pigs, which got hammified - aptly he was named 'Ham'...)
Turkey (the only Christmas meat I eat..)
New potatoes (fresh from Dad's garden)
Baby carrots (fresh from Dad's garden)
Peas (fresh from the freezer.. lol)
Lettuce salad (ala Debbie)
Macaroni salad (my Mum is FAMOUS for her Mac Salad! BUT she's letting me make it!)
Trifle (a must have apparently, though I don't like it, and can't eat due to the alcohol!)
Cheesecake (ala Debbie)
Fruit Salad (ala Sarah & Rikki.. well, Sarah.. I'm sure Rikki will watch though)
Ambrosia (my baby!  my favourite Christmas dessert treat!)

... I can just see all the bloated stomachs, come 3pm, already!

Splishn' Splashn' Fun!

The past two days I have taken Gaby to QEII swimming pool - and we have had such a GREAT time!!!!!  It's been awhile since I took her to the pool, and I have to say, it is a lot more enjoyable now!  She is starting to get adventurous in the water, wanting to kick, wanting to play on the floaty toys, and wanting to be carried out to the deep end (which is hard, with me being so short! LOL!)... not to mention going around the river.  Yesterday we spent two hours in the water, and today it was a little under two hours... she probably would have stayed all day if I had let her!

Now I am thinking, it is important for me to get her into some Swimsmart swimming classes.  Ever since I can remember, I have been confident in the water, and been able to swim - and I want the same for Gaby.  I don't want her to be 6 or 7 & to have NO idea what to do, if she falls into a swimming pool, etc etc - I don't care if she's not an A grade swimmer, but I am sure I'd feel more reassured (as a parent), knowing that she knows how to float, and tread water, etc etc.  I will hopefully get her signed up for Term 1, 2010 - seeing as Term 4, 2009 is almost over. 

Seeing as Kindy is over for the year now, I think I might try to take Gaby to the pool three times a week, on days where she WOULD have had Kindy, so that her days aren't as boring... it's something I know that we can do no matter what the weather - and it's only $3.00 for me & her to get in, so it's hardly going to break the bank!  Hopefully if it's a regular thing, when she starts her swimming classes, it's not going to be such a huge transition for her....

"No - I want a GIRL!" & names

I think it is pretty accurate of me to say, that Gaby wants a little sister!  A couple of days ago, I was trawling through baby name websites, looking for the *perfect* boys name - because while girls names sing out to me, boys names don't...  I was going through my list of boys names, asking Gaby which name she liked..

"do you like Jackson?"
"NO"
"do you like Jacob?"
"NO"
"do you like Kaidyn?"
"NO"
"do you like Kayleb?"
"NO"
"do you like Jameson?"
"NO - I WANT A GIRL!"
... it made me laugh - she had such conviction in her voice!

As it stands, I have now decided on THE boys name & THE girls name, for this little bundle of joy.  If baby is a boy - his name will be Lucas Warrington-James.  Warrington & James, are the names of both of my Grandfather's who have passed away, and I've always wanted to tribute them, by using their names as part of one of my childrens middle names.  If the baby is a girl, her name will be Emersyn Georgia-May.  Georgia is a name that Gaby likes, and I thought it'd be nice to let her feel part of naming the baby... and May is my Mum's middlename, and I wanted to name a daughter after her. 

Now I just need to wait until the 20 week ultrasound, to find out whether baby is indeed an Emersyn, or a Lucas!  Jason & I had decided to not find out the sex of the baby - but now that we're not together, I *want* to know what the sex of the baby is, so that I can get better prepared, as far as buying appropriate clothes etc etc.  I was quite happy waiting until after baby was born to buy girl/boy clothes - but i know money will be even tighter when the baby arrives, so if I can start stocking up after the 20w u/s, it will make things a lot easier.  If Jason doesn't want to know the sex of the baby still, that is fine - I won't tell him, I completely understand his reasons for wanting it to be a surprise...

Ultrasound #3!

Today I had the 12 week ultrasound - and again, it had a very positive outcome!  Had a bit of a problem in the beginning, when my bladder was too full to get any decent pictures, so I had to go to the toilet, and then she did an internal... I didn't mind at all, because we got some really really awesome pictures of the baby!  Mum and Gaby went with me, I think my Mum got quite emotional, and Gaby got really excited, when the u/s tech explained to her what the baby was doing, at certain points in the u/s.  I don't know what the heartrate was, but going by the measurements on the u/s pics, baby is now measuring around 5.75cm!  4.10cm longer than last time I saw her (him?).

Without further adieu, here are some pictures!

 

 

 

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow morning at 10.30am, and I'm hoping we'll get to listen to the heartbeat - and to actually get a reading this time!

Changes..... perhaps it's my norm...

Without going into all the details, Jason and I have broken up.  I am back to being a single parent - and I am wondering if perhaps single parenting is just the norm for me - if it is what I'm meant to be.  I've always believed there is 'someone for everyone', but perhaps that isn't true?  Perhaps I am just destined to grow old alone - with my family, but with no 'significant other'.  In the past this thought would have made me cry, but I am now wondering if it is indeed the truth - and strangely, I am content with that thought.

OF COURSE I'm upset - I was so so SO sure this was it for me, that we would grow old and happy together, that we'd chase each other around the retirement home, on our canes or walking frames.  I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want another of my children, to be brought into the world, in a situation where there wasn't a stereotypical family unit functioning.... ie I wanted Mum/Dad/Gaby/Baby, all living together, all loving each other.  I know how hard it was with Gaby, trying to get my head around bringing her up myself, how to keep her father involved, how to make boundries, how to decide who gets Christmas, birthdays, easter, etc etc....

Yet, I'm right back there.  I know that Jason fully intends on being a huge part of this bubby's life - and NATURALLY I want that to happen, I want nothing more than for our son/daughter to have a great relationship with his/her father, and to know that he/she can rely on him... something that sadly, Gaby doesn't have with her own father.  It goes with out saying that I would still like for me & Jason to work out - that when we've both worked on our seperate issues, that we can try to get *us* back on track, but I'm also not fooling myself, because I know that that doesn't always happen, and that it's not always for the best.  I tried SO many times with Gaby's father, BECAUSE I wanted Gaby to have a 'normal' family, but all it ended up doing was making me unhappy, making him unhappy - and confusing the heck out of Gaby.

Now is the time for me to work on ME again... I have been feeling somewhat depressed lately, and put it down to pregnancy hormones, but I think part of it may simply be the depression, which I have suffered from, on and off, since I was 13.  I don't necessarily want to go on meds - I prefer not to be on any meds during pregnancy, so perhaps I can organise some form of counselling.  Now is also the time for me to concentrate on my relationship with my fabulous little girl - she's had so many changes to her life lately, that I want to give her more of a sense of stability - and more than anything, I want her to know that her Mama loves her more than ANYTHING in the world, and that she can rely on me.  I don't think I've done too bad with her, but I admit, there are aspects to my parenting, that I could work on.  The past 12 weeks I have been so exhausted from the pregnancy, that I haven't done a lot of activities with her, we haven't really done anything 'fun', or 'exciting' - and I want to get all of that back.  I want our bond to be as strong as it can be, before the next major uphevel (ie the arrival of baby) in our lives....

I firmly believe that everything in life happens for a reason - and I know that there is a lesson in *all* of this, now is the time for me to learn & understand the lesson, and to make positive decisions, for myself - and for Gaby....

Getting closer to that 'magic' 12w mark...

Today I am 11w4d pregnant - and I cannot tell you how much I am willing Wednesday to arrive.  Why Wednesday?  Because I will be 12w0d, and as far as miscarriage goes, that is the 'magic' mark, where chances of miscarrying get a lot slimmer.  Naturally I know that it can still happen - and of course me being me, I won't feel completely out of the woods, until our little Albany or Kaidyn is safely in my arms, around June 15th-ish...  BUT still, knowing that we are out of that high risk point, it will provide some reassurance for me!

I have been slack as far as arranging my 12w ultrasound goes - I keep forgetting to ring up, so  I must remember to do that on Monday.  I am hoping they can get us in on Friday, so that my Mum can go to the ultrasound - while some people like to keep ultrasounds a private, intimate experience, *I* enjoy sharing the love & joy, and having members of my family go with me.  I think that subconsciously, part of me wants Mum to be there, incase it turns out that something has gone wrong... I'm such a Mummy's girl at the moment, and know that her being there if I find out bad news, will make the situation a little more... less awful... in some way...  I don't have any reason to expect anything to be wrong though, so hopefully what I'm feeling is just normal pre-ultrasound anxiety!

I started feeling little movements while we were away, down south - and it's such a magical, wonderful feeling!!!!  Obviously the movements aren't huge yet, and I only really notice them if I am sitting still - some days I don't feel any, and other days I feel 3-4 a day...  it's nice for the extra reassurance it brings, and luckily I know not to worry on the days I DON'T feel anything - because I know it is still really early, in the scheme of things.  I thought I was going crazy when I started feeling movement, but after texting some friends who've recently had baby #2, it seems that it isn't completely impossible to be feeling movement now. 

Jason told his Mum about the baby, so now everyone who we wanted to know, knows about the pregnancy - and we have been so blessed, that everyone has had positive reactions to the news!  Gaby is very cute when talking about the baby - she tells me all the things that he/she will need when he/she is born, and this morning was talking about how the baby will need to be wrapped in a blanket, otherwise it'll get cold & sick...  I cry when I think about Gaby meeting the baby for the first time.. it's going to be such a sweet moment in my life.. to see my two babies, together.... to see that bond at the exact second it starts to form...  (see, I'm crying now, just writing that!)

She has her heart set on it.... please let me find one!

For the past three months, Gaby has been asking for a Dora bike, for her Christmas present... it is ALL she asks for - of course I haven't told her "sure hunny, you will get one", but it *is* what I am hoping to buy her!  We put money on a Warehouse Christmas Club card this year, and today, being December 1st, is the first day we're able to use it.  The Warehouse also have a sale on bikes - which FINISHES today, so I'm going to head out to the mall soon to see if I can find a bike...  PLEASE let me find a bike!  If I am unable to find a Dora bike, I don't know what the heck to do - except perhaps buy some Dora stickers & decorate a non-Dora bike, with the stickers.  I am sure she'd be happy with any bike, but when she's got her heart set on a Dora one, it's hard to not REALLY REALLY want to get her one!  They had a load of Dora helmets when I was there last time, so at the least, she'll get a Dora helmet!

Wish me luck!

Santa is scary? Is this genetics?

I noticed on Friday, while at our local mall, that Santa was due to arrive on Saturday at 1pm.  I decided it'd be something fun for Gaby, so naturally I told her about it, and she WAS excited.  I couldn't wait! She spent the rest of Friday - and Saturday morning, telling anyone who would listen "I'm seeing Santa at the Palms", "Santa is coming tomorrow/today", "I love Santa" - she even spent 10 minutes, explaining to Fluffy, that she (ie the cat) had to be a good girl, or she couldn't go to visit Santa at the Palms, it was about as adorable as it gets!

Saturday, midday - we arrive at the mall.  We line up in the line to see Santa - and are THIRD from the front.  An hour after we lined up, we finally had word that Santa was on his way - that he was outside the mall, getting out of his sleigh (which was being pulled by Clydesdale horses).  I heard the tell tale 'jingle jingle' of a bell being shaken, and then the noise in the mall indicated that Santa had arrived!  Gaby was looking around, trying to see Santa - and then she got the glimpse she'd been waiting for....

AND SHE BEGAN SCREAMING - and not in a good way!  Poor Gaby was TERRIFIED of Santa, and told me in no uncertain terms that she didn't want to sit on Santa's knee an she wanted to go home... I tried to talk her down, told her that I would sit on Santa's knee with her, but nope - it was not going to happen!  Reluctantly I stepped out of line, and asked Gaby "are you sure you want to go home?" - to which she replied "yes please Mummy, I want to leave".  The poor girl, she looked as if she'd just had the biggest scare of her life. 

As soon as we left the immediate area, she was back to her usual, happy, cheerful self.  I am not sure if it was all the noise associated with Santa's arrival, that freaked her out - or if perhaps she's inherited my irrational fear, of people dressed up in mascot type costumes.  For as long as I can remember, seeing someone dressed up in a costume, has freaked me out - particularly if I can't see their real face - I can't explain why I feel this way, but it sends shivers down my spine, and I have to do all I can to not let out some form of terrified scream...

I am going to try her with Santa again, later in the week - when there aren't as many people around, and when there isn't the same level of excitement, and noise - but I have a feeling she will be just as unwilling....

Poor kiddo!

Gaby got the vacation fever! (literally)

We arrived in Queenstown on Thursday, Friday my Grandma picked us up, so we could go and stay with her, in Wanaka, for two nights.  I presumed it'd be a nice time, a good chance to spend some time with my Grandma - and Gaby's Great-Grandma. 

Everything was fine and dandy until I checked on Gaby (in bed) on Saturday night, and noticed she felt a bit warm.  Presuming it was just because she was in bed & warm, I took off a couple of the covers, and figured she'd be fine.  I went to bed at 10.15pm & when I gave Gaby a kiss goodnight - she was even hotter, all over.  My spidey [Mummy] senses started tingling, and I asked my Grandma if she could see what she thought - whether Gaby was just hot from bed, or if she had a fever.  She felt her forehead and said she thought she was just hot from being in bed, but got the thermometer anyway.  I took her temperature - and it was at 39.0c - 36.5-37.0c is considered normal, so she definately had a fever!  I took more layers of bedding off her, stripped her down to her nappy & then sponged her down with some tepid water.  15 minutes later the temperature hadn't gone down at all - and that is when I noticed a rash.  Naturally putting a rash & high fever together, I freaked out, and imagined all sorts of outcomes - foremost in my mind was meningitis, even though I was sure it wasn't a meningitis rash.  I ended up ringing the on-call doctor, just for advice - and she told me to take Gaby into the surgery & she'd meet me there.  Of course being on vacation, I didn't have any Pamol (tylenol for you American ladies!) or Ibuprofen, so I really had no way of getting the temp down.

The doctor met us and after examining Gaby, she determined that she had a virus called 'Slap Cheek', which is basically a virus where they get a really high temp, a rash all over - and their cheeks go bright red, and it looks as if they have been slapped... hence the name, slap cheek.  She gave me some Pamol & Ibuprofen, and sent us on our merry way. 

Luckily the meds worked.  At 12.15 her temp was down to 38.2c, and by 2am, it was down to 37.1c... I still didn't sleep very well - I can't help but worry when Gaby is sick!  Especially when it comes on so suddenly.

Three days later she seems to be better.  The rash is mostly gone, and she no longer has a fever... thank goodness.

Lesson learnt:  when going on holiday with a child, always take a supply of Pamol or Ibuprofen, in case of fever, or other complaint!

We officially have a fetus!

I'm 9w0d today, therefore our baby has graduated from embryo, to fetus!  It's probably silly that I'm excited about it, but I can't help myself - because it means we've passed another milestone!!!!!  According to the 'the bump' website, baby is around the same size as an olive... I don't know how accurate that is, but it's cool to have something to picture in my mind, for comparison!

I am feeling a bit more positive about the pregnancy now, I guess because we've had two positive ultrasounds - I probably won't ever feel 100% convinced that all will be okay, but for the time being, I'm going with the flow, and being the best incubator that I can be!  My symptoms seem to have settled down, I'm not really getting morning sickness anymore - I have a few bouts of nausea here and there, but I'm not vomitting each day - which is nice.  My breasts are pretty much constantly sore though - which is providing a lot of reassurance for me, and at the same time, my fatigue is 10x worse than it was a week or two ago... I don't mind though - I can handle fatigue!  Prefer it to morning sickness, any day!

Gaby & I head for Queenstown tomorrow, and I can't wait - but I still have all our packing to do today!!  It's raining, so my plans for having loads of laundry on the line probably won't come to fruition - thank goodness for the invention that is the clothes drier!!!!  I hate using it, but needs must........

Countdown to vacation...

Thursday morning at 8.35am, Gaby and I fly out of Christchurch - headed for Queenstown!  Terri paid for our flights, as a combined birthday/christmas present for me - luckily she got cheap flights, so it didn't cost her an arm and a leg!  I can't wait to see how Gaby is on the aeroplane this time - last time we went on one, she was about 22 months old, so not really old enough to get excited about it.  But now she's 3 - and loves aeroplanes, and I'm sure she'll have a blast!!!!

Right now I'm trying to catch up on all the washing, so we have enough changes of clothes to take away with us (and enough to come home to!), times like this I remember why after every holiday I say "right, I NEED to keep on top of laundry"...  At least with Gaby being a bit older, I don't need to take quite so many changes of clothes for her, or as many odds & ends!  I figure all I need to take for her, other than clothes, is some nappies for night time, and her wipes.  I'll put some toys & books in her carry on luggage, for the plane - but I don't think she'll be too fussed about toys while we're away.. too much else going on!

Friday & Saturday night we are staying in Wanaka (around 1 hour from Queenstown) with my Grandma, which will be great - always nice to spend time with family!  Gaby doesn't get to see her too often, so any time we get to spend with her, is special.  We'll also get to see my cousin, Stacey, while we are in Wanaka - she is newly engaged, so I have some bling to inspect!!!!!!! 

I hope Gaby behaves well - I know that people don't EXPECT her to be an angel, but I always feel somewhat guilty when we go to someones house, and she acts up.  I'm sure that it bothers *me* more than it bothers anyone else, and I'm thinking it's a normal part of being a parent. 

Got the reassurance I needed!

Re-introducing, Baby McCook!

the u/s tech put the probe on my abdomen & pretty much straight away said "I can see a baby" - and then she wiggled it a bit & said "and there is the heartbeat"... POUNDS of anxiety floated off me, at hearing those words!  We didn't get a very extensive u/s - I guess because it was just to check that baby was okay... but we did get a few pictures.  Bubs heartbeat was averaging around 167bpm, and she measured 1.65cm in length - 1.35cm longer than the last time we had a scan!!!  It's great to know our baby is growing as she should be!  I also had my first visit with my regular m/w today (last time we saw her backup), and she has given me the form to get the 12w scan done... now I just need to hold off as long as I can before making the appointment!  Next m/w appt is December 9th...

More spotting... another ultrasound scheduled

Last night I had some more spotting, and it was accompanied by bad backpain, I rang my midwife and she told me that she'd organise an u/s for me for today.  So at 1pm we are booked in for an ultrasound, and I am crossing my fingers, toes & anything else crossable, that we have as good of an outcome, as we did last time.  My spotting HAS stopped, and I'm feeling rather pregnant today, so I am hoping that those are all good signs - I guess that by around 1.15pm, I will know....

TMI ALERT:  I am quite constipated, and noticed the spotting last night after I had tried to.. relieve... my poor intestines, so I'm wondering if the spotting was related to all that... 'effort'.  As for the back pain, it WAS sore before the spotting etc occurred so hopefully it isn't actually related at all... it feels like sciatica today, so perhaps it's just the beginnings of my pregnancy back pain.  From memory it started around this point with Gaby. 

I am trying my hardest to think positive, and to not stress too much - and I think I'm somewhat accomplishing it, mostly because of what happened with my last bout of spotting - we had a great u/s & saw baby & the heartbeat... and this spotting is even less than last time....

I guess I'll be updating this later today, hopefully with 8w1d u/s pics!

really excited about Christmas!

I've always liked Christmas - but this year, I have a feeling the whole experience is going to be extra special.. because of Gaby!  This year Gaby KNOWS who Santa is, and what he's 'all about' (ie presents!) - and everyday she tells me "it's almost Christmas", and talks about what she is going to ask Santa for, and that she needs to be a good girl for Santa to come... 

Santa is usually in the malls around the 9th December, and I cannot WAIT to take her to sit on Santa's knee!!  Last year I took her, but she SCREAMED when it came time to sit on his knee, so it was a bit of a fizzer - but I think this year she will be more than happy to go and sit on Santa's knee & tell him she wants "lots of Dora stuff"!  We are also going to take her to the big Santa parade this year as well - and I can't wait!  It's always on the first Sunday of December, and Sunday is Stu's day to have her, so I was kind of upset that I couldn't take her...  So I decided to just be straight up & ask if he minded if I took her this year - I did tell him if he wanted to - that seeing Sunday is 'his' day, that he could just take her... but luckily for me, he thought it would be best if I took her (ie. it'd be too much responsibility for him to keep an eye on her for that whole time).

We are going to get her a bike for Christmas, and I can't wait to see her face when we give it to her - it's going to be priceless (I hope!).  I found the bike I wanted to get her, last week - and as soon as Dec 1st rolls around (and we can use our Christmas Club card), I will be going out to buy it, before anyone else takes it!  Of course it's a Dora one, and I noticed they have Dora helmets as well - so she should get her wish of "lots of Dora stuff"...  It was really freaky when we were at K-Mart last week & she hopped on the 2 wheeler & rode off... I expected her to need some help to get going, but nope - it seemed to come naturally to her!  That said, I am thinking that she may have a bike at her father's house, which would make sense as to why she was so confident on it!

By the time Christmas rolls around, I will be in the 2nd trimester, and hope to be feeling a bit more alive, and like my old self.  I really don't want to be puking all Christmas day - or falling asleep by lunchtime!  We should get our 12w u/s in the first half of December - and I just hope that we get a good result - I keep getting worried that I've had a missed miscarriage, though I know that I have no reason to think that.  I still have my symptoms, and surely if I had had a missed m/c, my symptoms would have gone away.  Either way, by Christmas we'll know what is going on with our bubs, and hopefully it will be a joyful day, knowing that my big girl is happy & healthy - and being spoilt rotten, and that my little bubba is growing safely inside my belly!

Night-time dryness training.....

I would love for Gaby to be out of nappies completely, by the time this bub arrives... at the moment she is only in them at night, so it isn't too bad - but at the moment her morning nappy removal strongly disagrees with my morning sickness, and always sets me running for the bathroom!  

I've noticed Gaby wakes up around 1.30am, so I asked her today if it is because she needs to do wees or poos, and she said it is... I'm not sure if it REALLY is or not, but after her saying that, I went & bought her some Pull Up's, and told her that if she wakes up in the middle of the night to do wees or poos, that she can go to the toilet & do it, that she doesn't NEED to do it in her nappy.  She seemed to like the idea when we were talking about it - I made it clear that it is FINE if she doesn't wake up to go, and goes in her nappy (well, her Pull Up!), I also told her that if she wants me to take her to the toilet, that is fine as well - and that she can wake me up whenever she wants to.

I have no idea if this is going to work or not - she hasn't REALLY shown signs of being ready for night training - ie she is still waking up with wet, dirty nappies - but i thought it was worth a shot, if the reason she is going in her nappy, is because she thinks she HAS to at night time.  It's all she's known since she was born, so I think it makes sense! 

Yesterday I reached the 7w0d mark in my pregnancy - it always makes me feel good to know that another week has passed - especially in the first trimester... Right now I am concentrating on week-by-week, but the ultimate 'focus point' right now, is definately making the 12w mark, and having our 12w u/s & seeing a living, moving fetus....  My breasts have gotten really sore the last two days, so I am hoping that is a good sign that things are still going well in there!

Gosh, if I'm 7w now, and will be scheduled for a c/s around 38w, that means there is only around 31w of this pregnancy to go!!!!!!!  Now, THAT sounds good!

~stick little bean, stick~

I pulled 'the Santa card'!!!

Gaby's behaviour lately has been VERY challenging (when she's not being adorable, she's being a devil) - and I haven't really known how to deal with it - except using timeout - and that just doesn't work now...  I was stupid and gave her the option of tidying up her books, or going to timeout - and she chose timeout.. of course!  We're slowly getting on top of it, but when we take 2 steps forward, we seem to take another 1-5 back, and it's all getting a bit frustrating.

Bedtime is the worst for us - Gaby does everything she can to stay up a bit later, or to keep me in her room a bit longer, and all it leads to is her crying, and me getting grumpy... part of it is that she asks for about 10 blankets to be put on top of her, when she's in bed - she has plenty of blankets on her bed, but she is always asking for the extra's.. I give them to her, then check on her 20 minutes later & she's sweating her little booty off.   I don't mind a couple of extra, but I don't want her overheating - and now that it's summer (well, spring) it's warmer at night.  Maybe I'm just overly paranoid, due to Brodie dying of SIDS.. I don't know..

Last night the usual bedtime rigmaroule began, but rather than give in to her 'demands', I put all the blankets away, and told her she was to have one extra blanket.  I tried to explain to her that too many blankets can make you too hot, and you can get sick, but I think she just thought I was being mean.  She kept grizzling & that's when it dawned on me.... Gaby knows who Santa is & what he's all about - so I could start using the 'if you're not a good girl, Santa won't come' threat....  I did it.  I felt mean doing it.  But it worked!  She stopped grizzling, stopped crying, stopped whining.  I explained to her about Santa's good vs bad lists, and that he's ALWAYS watching - and to be honest, I think that scared the bad behaviour out of her!  We got up this morning & she put away all her toys that were on the floor, and has used manners whenever she's spoken to me...

Could it be that for 6 weeks of the year, I might have the 'upper hand', as far as her behaviour goes???!  Wow!

Late nights = bad idea & 'the whole sleep thing'

We picked my sister up on Thursday, from the airport - she had been in Thailand for the best part of a month, so it was all very exciting, only 'bad' thing was that Gaby had 2 late nights in a row, which inevitably led to a grumpy-over-tired-Gaby!  She was getting so hyped up during the day, that at night she would 'crash', and be a grizzling, screaming, sensitive shell of herself, and of course grumpy Gaby, meant grumpy Mummy - which wasn't fun for ANYONE.  I think the worst part was that even if she went to bed 3 hours past her normal bedtime - she'd still wake up at her NORMAL wake time, so was only getting by on about 8 hours of sleep.

Yesterday she decided a nap would be a good idea - and fell asleep on the couch.  Because I knew how over tired she was, I figured that it'd be okay if she slept...  Was I wrong!  She woke up and then proceeded to be awake until 10pm!  Ugh!  She ended up sleeping in my bed with me, and I'm not sure what time she got up this morning, but I woke up at 7.30am & she was out in the lounge....

I forget how important her bedtime routine is - no matter what else is going on.  If that routine is messed with, then Gaby gets messed up, and then I get messed up - and it usually takes a few days to get back onto an even keel.  She is at her father's today, and is back at 6pm - I am going to make sure she is in bed by 7pm... she has Kindy tomorrow, so no doubt she will be exhausted tomorrow night - and I'd prefer her to be exhausted after a *decent* 'routine' sleep, tonight.....

It's suddenly dawning on me, that I'm going to have to go through this 'whole sleep thing' again, with our baby bean!  When he/s he arrives I'm going to have broken sleep for months, and then the battle to get him/her to go to sleep willingly, rather than fighting it.  I think the most tiring part of parenting IS the 'whole sleep thing' - which is ironic really!  Gaby was a good sleeper, until early this year - when she vomitted in her bed & then didn't want to sleep in her bed for the next 7 months!  It was 7 months of her crying at bedtime, and ME crying at bedtime - and then usually giving in, and letting her sleep with me, because it was the only way she would go to sleep. 

One thing I DID do with Gab, that I will do again, is get baby bean into a bedtime routine, right from day one.  From the day Gaby got home from the hospital, I would give her a bath, we would have quiet cuddles & then I would put her to bed.... and it was like she instantly realised that this time sleep was for more than an hour or two.  She wasn't very old when I noticed that when I would get her ready for her bath, her little mood would change & she would start being quiet, and more relaxed - it was then that I realised bedtime routines are a great tool.  I might not have been able to follow through on any routine, but her bedtime one, for the most part - was extremely successful.

Gaby seems so.. old!

I've noticed the past couple of weeks, that Gaby is suddenly a child, as opposed to a toddler.  She talks to me like a 'real' child now - I can understand everything she says, rather than trying to decipher the toddler babble that I've been so used to.  She's also grown a LOT - she is starting to get so tall, it is amazing...  I've no idea how tall she is, or how much she weighs, but we should be having her 3 year appointment with Plunket (Well Child providers) soon, so it'll be really interesting to find out!!!

This morning I noticed how much her imagination is developing - she was riding around on her little bike, pretending to be a policeman, and then next thing I knew, she had the bike upside down and was being a "bike fixer", because her 'motorbike' was broken.  After her motorbike was fixed, she got her money from her bedroom, and went to the supermarket, because we needed milk and a chocolate treat.  So freakin' cute.  Of course the whole time she was in the confines of the lounge, but in her mind, she was out on the open road, in a workshop, at the supermarket...

I'm so so unbelievably proud of how my little girl is developing - and that she's developing into a wonderful, bright, funny, smart child. 

Never been more glad to be wrong!!!!!!

We have a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!

the ultrasound tech started out doing an abdominal u/s - and I was shocked when a gestational sac was evident!  She then switched to internal u/s  - and we were able to see our little bean!  After zooming in really close and watching, she was able to see a heartbeat as well - which shocked me!  I figured that even if things were okay - that it'd be too soon for a heartbeat, but nope - there it was, flickering away like a little butterfly (as she called it).  Heartbeat was 95bpm, which she said was good....

I cried so much when she said there was a heartbeat.... such a relief... :)

Hopefully today, we will get some answers

I rang the ultrasound place this morning, and explained I've been spotting over the weekend, and asked if it'd be possible to get in, today for my u/s - rather than tomorrow...  Luckily they were really good, and I have an appointment for 3.30pm (around 4 hours away).  I know that a day doesn't sound like much, but if I am miscarrying, I'd sooner know NOW, than have the anxiety etc, for another 24 hours.  Perhaps it's impatience on my part, but it's *me*.

I DID read online that baby aspirin (which my m/w put me on last week), can cause early spotting in pregnancy, so I am grasping onto the tiniest little possibility that THAT is the reason behind my spotting.  That said, I think my boobs are getting less sore, and I haven't had morning sickness the past two days, so it is still looking likely that it is an early m/c.  But then part of me thinks "mind over matter" - because I THINK I'm miscarrying, am I stopping myself from having morning sickness?  Yeap - grasping for straws, that's me!!!

Hopefully my next blog will contain a picture of my little bean, but i'm 99% sure it'll be more along the lines of "let the testing [for why I keep m/c'ing] begin"...  Who knows huh!  But as Jason said, I'm not going through this alone, and we will work through whatever happens, together... Which is something I've never really had - so if I AM miscarrying, hopefully having some support, will make it a tad easier to deal with....

Fingers crossed....

Happy Birthday, Gaby!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY GIRL!

Gaby, 8.30am - Oct 26, 2010 - 7 1/2 hours old

Today is Gaby's 3rd birthday!!!!  We woke up at 6.30am, I got out the remainder of her birthday presents & she opened them.  She LOVED the LeapFrog 'Scribble & Write', and kept calling it her 'computer', she played with it for a good half hour or so, which I thought was impressive!  She kept telling us "it's my happy birthday today, I'm 3" - verrrrry cute, you could tell she feels like she's oh-so-important today!

Gaby & Mummy cuddles 

approx 19 hours old

Wow, so this time three years ago, we were just awaiting our first visit from Poppa, on his way to work.  We'd been back in our room for about 2 hours - after a 3 1/2 hour stint in the recovery room...  I'd have been feeling pretty doped up on the pain relief they had given me after my caesarean, and I wouldn't be able to take my eyes, off the precious baby girl who was sleeping in her little bassinet, right next to me.  That first day was so surreal, I guess in part because of the drugs, but also because my dream had finally come true, and it felt like it was a dream...  I couldn't believe that *I* had a baby, that *I* was a Mummy - lovely things like that didn't happen to me, they happened to other people!

2 days old

What have i learnt in my 3 years as a Mama?  I've learnt you will never love someone, as much as you love your own child/ren... I've learnt that baby kisses are the best...  That hearing the words 'I love you Mummy', is the magic fix-all...  I've learnt that kids have a mind of their own and you often need to change your parenting 'strategy', to work best with them... I've learnt that you WILL lose your temper with your child - but that when they are asleep, no matter how devilish they've been during the day - your heart will still be overwhelmed with love.  I've learnt so much more than that, but those are some of the main lessons...

A couple of weeks old

-----------------------------------

Now for the 'downer'...  I woke up this morning & am now bleeding, so I *know* that I am going to miscarry in the very near future.  If it was anyone else, I'd say "stay positive - spotting/bleeding in early pregnancy isn't unheard of", but for *me*, I know what it means.. I've been here too many times, to believe that the outcome of this bleeding, can be anything other than the 'norm' - a miscarriage.  Right now I am just focusing on the fact that I have Gaby, that she's alive, happy & healthy....  It's the most imnportant thing.. right!

I've started spotting

Just before going to the toilet this morning, I thought to myself "I was this far along when I miscarried in 2005"... I wiped - and realised I had started spotting.  Naturally I freaked out, burst into tears - I told Jason what was happening and he was wonderful, held me while I cried, talked to me soothingly - he was everything I needed him to be.  I told him that although spotting early in pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean a miscarriage, that in *my* history it HAS meant a miscarriage, and that I had no reason to believe it would be different this time.

Everyone has told me to think positive, to try not to stress, but that is so impossible for me.  I really have TRIED to be positive, but all I am feeling like right now, is a failure... and I *know* that this is the start of a miscarriage for me, that I'm not one of the lucky women whose bleeding is 'innocent' and doesn't effect the viability of their pregnancy.  That's just not me.  I think I have come to terms with the fact I'll most likely lose the baby too, and that I'll be adding to my list of angel babies.  No amount of positive thinking is going to change the outcome - in my opinion anyway.

I just HATE that this is happening NOW.  Gaby's 3rd birthday is TOMORROW, and as with her birthday in 2007, this birthday is going to be marred by me being upset about losing another baby - my precious, sweet, amazing little girl isn't going to be getting the 1,000,000% of attention from me, that she SHOULD be getting.  I'm going to try my hardest, for her sake, to put it behind me (for the day) - because I know that nothing can change what is going to happen, so I shouldn't be sad about it - well, I shouldn't DWELL on it.  Not on Gaby's birthday anyway.

I had hoped that my next blog post would be a happy one, all about Gaby's birthday party, instead it is me having a pity party!  For the record, her birthday party WAS awesome, and she had a really good time - and of course got spoilt by everyone!  I ruined the cake while I was decorating it, and that really upset me.  It was meant to be Mickey Mouse, but by the end it looked more like the cat from 'Itchy & Scratchy' (on the Simpsons).  Gaby asked what it was.... it was such a blow...  But as my Mum said - the most exciting thing for her was blowing out her candle, and that I could have given her a 'lump of poop with a candle on it, and she'd have been over the moon'.  She had a blast with her little buddy - Josh, they were both running around acting crazy, it was pretty cute - especially when Gaby would try to hug Josh & he'd run away from her.  And then when he admitted defeat & let Gaby cuddle him, they both fell over on the concrete & ended up with scrapes - both in tears, needing some first aid help from Poppa.

Gaby is with her father today - part of me is glad that she is, because I really needed the day to just rest, and feel sorry for myself, but another part of me can't wait for her to get home, because I NEED some Gaby cuddles.... No matter how sad/horrible/etc life is, I always have *her* to cheer me up - I just need to look at her and I remember how lucky I am - even when bad things happen, she makes up for it 1,000,000 times over.  I might let her sleep in bed with me tonight - I need to be close to her... she almost has a calming effect over me.  I think she intuitively picks up when I'm feeling sad, and she just naturally does things to put a smile on my face... she knows the perfect time to give me a cuddle, to give me a kiss, to say "I love you Mummy".... and at the end of the day, THOSE words, make everything else seem unimportant....

We have a partial birthday cake!

Tomorrow is Gaby's 3rd birthday party, so today we went to Mum & Dad's (as is usual for a Friday), and I baked her cake, and cut out the 'pattern' - so all I need to do tomorrow morning is get the thing iced!  I chose a Mickey Mouse cake - I was planning on using a template from the net, but then I found that the birthday cake book Mum used for our cakes when WE were kids, has a Mickey Mouse cake in it, that made it a LOT easier.  Basically I had to bake two circular cakes, from one I cut two circles, for the ears (my Dad liked the fact that there was a lot of 'cake cut off' left over, for him to eat!), and the other cake is the face - all I needed to do to 'shape' that, was to cut two triangular shapes about half way down the cake - and I guess this marks the seperation between Mickey's ears and the rest of his face.

Gaby is very excited because her little friend - Josh, is going to be there!  We haven't seen him, or his Mum (Serena) since the end of March, so there is going to be a lot of difference between them now (compared to back then!).  Josh is 3 months older than Gaby, and they always have so much fun together, so I am really glad they are able to come!  Other than Rena & Joshy, it's just going to be Nan & Poppa (my parents), Jason & Me, who are there, but I think that's more than enough for Gaby to handle.  I would have LIKED to have lots of family there, but then it becomes a bit more than a 'relaxed gathering', and would probably involve a lot of planning - and a lot more money!

I really can't believe my little girl is going to be three soon.  Seems crazy to think that this time 3 years ago, I was getting excited about going in for my induction the following day.  Of course the induction didn't work & I ended up getting a caesarean - 2 days after I went in for the induction!  I look at her baby photos, and then her photos now, and it is bizarre to think it's the same child...

As far as I know, things are going well in baby-land.  I still have my morning sickness & tiredness - and my breasts are REALLY sore today... and it seems that the need to frequently urinate has kicked in too, I think I went about 5 times while we were at the mall today (which around 2 hours!).  If Mum didn't know before now, I'm sure she would have figured it out today!  Our first ultrasound is on Wednesday, I'll be 6w0d, and I'm HOPING that we see SOMETHING...  even if there isn't a heartbeat, hopefully there will be the gestational sac and fetal pole, measuring right on for my dates.  That said, I hope hope hope there is a heartbeat visible!  It will ease a lot of my fears I think.

Everyday without spotting, I feel one of two things:

One - relief - another day with no spotting, which means I'm one day closer to 12w

Two - fear - another day with no spotting, COULD mean I'm one day closer to the day that I DO start spotting....

It's a horrible horrible vicious circle - positive, negative, positive, negative...  I wish I could just be 100% positive about the pregnancy, or at least that I could be in denial about the possibility of miscarrying!!!!  I guess this is a scary week for me, because of my spotting starting in the 5th week, in my previous miscarriages.  If I make it to 6w0d with no spotting, I'll feel as if I've overcome some sort of milestone.  I guess no one really knows what is going to happen in the future, and I should enjoy each & everyday that I'm blessed with this baby.......

I forgot about the Pregnancy Calendar on JustMommies - I used it a lot when I was pregnant with Gaby, to check out the little tips, and developmental milestones for each day...  My little tip for today (5w2d) is 'Eating dry crackers may help with morning sickness' - and then it says at 5w5d 'Baby's limb buds are noticeable now' - which makes me smile.. my little one might have 'noticeable' limb buds now!!!!  Little arms & legs!  Cute!

Reassurance is pain!

Tomorrow I am 5w0d pregnant - 1 week down, many many more to go!  The past couple of days I've been feeling quite reassured that this pregnancy is doing what it should be - mainly because my breasts have been feeling increasingly tender, and just plain sore!  It's wonderful to feel the way I did when I was pregnant with Gaby, because obviously there was a very positive outcome with that pregnancy... at the same time though, I forgot how painful it could be!  But if this pain means things are going well, then I will man up & accept it - it's kind of a nice reminder that I have a little bub growing in my belly!

As far a my other symptoms go - I still have my morning sickness & nausea, I'm having little cramps here and there, and my heartburn is a constant companion...  Hopefully the morning sickness won't last the whole time, like it did with Gaby - I think with Gaby I had about 3 weeks where I wasn't being sick!  But even through the sore breasts, the cramping, the vomitting, the nausea, the heartburn - I wouldn't want to change anything for the world!  At the end of the day it is a small sacrifice to make, for such an amazing outcome!

We told Gaby yesterday, about the baby - purely for the reason that she was getting so distraught when I was vomitting, that I was afraid it could do some form of long lasting harm to her.  We simply told her there is a baby growing in Mummy's tummy, and the baby growing makes Mummy feel sick sometimes - and that Mummy isn't 'spitting' (as she calls it), because something is wrong, just because the baby is growing.  I made sure to use the term 'our baby', so that she feels involved.  She was very cute, she started talking about how the baby will have it's own carseat, it will have baths & she will read it books...  I think she's old enough to grasp the very basics of the idea, and I think we might get a book in the next couple of weeks, specifically for little children who are going to become big brothers/sisters.

Gaby really doesn't feel like 'my baby' anymore...  She's 3 in six days time - and she is going to be a BIG sister - I guess there will be another baby to take over the role of 'the baby' in my life.  I just hope that we manage the whole thing, in a way that doesn't leave Gaby feeling left out, or as if she's not so important anymore... because that couldn't be further from the truth!!!

... and then there is the anxiety

I always think that getting pregnant is the hard job - then as soon as I get my BFP (whether it was planned, or not) - along comes the anxiety.  I guess after experiencing 4 1st trimester losses, a lot of the innocence & excitement of pregnancy, is gone - and it has been replaced more by a negative "chances are, I will miscarry" type of attitude.  This morning I wiped and there was a tiny bit of colour on the toilet paper - it wasn't red, it wasn't pink, it wasn't even brown - but it was colour & was enough to make me hear alarm bells.  I want this baby so bad - Jason wants this baby so bad, and I feel as if I am going to ruin it all for us, and have another miscarriage.  I wish I could be put in a coma for the next 8 weeks - they can wake me up when I am having my 12w ultrasound & the little bubba is moving all around...

I wish I could be more positive, but it seems really hard.  I just have to try and remember that I have symptoms, which is a good sign - my boobs are sore, which is a very good sign for me.  Jason is working until 4pm today, so it's not like I have him to talk to about how I'm feeling (not immediately anyway) - so everything is going round and round in my head, driving me rather crazy!!!  The ONE thing that I am thinking would be a slight 'positive' of miscarrying, is that I can get the testing done, to try to figure out WHY I keep miscarrying.. I hope to heck it doesn't come to that though...

Reminiscing...

My 'baby' girl is going to turn three in 9 days time, and right now, all I find myself doing is thinking back to those early days... finding out I was pregnant, the first u/s, the second u/s, her arrival... her being a newborn, being 1, 2, 3 months old.  It has all gone so fast, and has been such an amazing, wonderful, overwhelming, eye-opening experience - I feel so blessed to have her in my life, and to actually be *someones* Mummy.. to be the one person that she knows she can rely on, without a doubt. 

It really is bittersweet - I miss those days of her being a baby - but at the same time, it is such an intensely 'wow' feeling, to be able to watch her grow up, to hear her talking, to hear her singing, to hear her reading books to her toys (from memory).. to see her getting taller, to see her jumping, to see her running, to see her starting to try to skip...  to see her interacting with other kids at preschool & kindy, to know that she is starting to understand various concepts - day & night, summer & winter, cause & effect...  All these things you know are going to happen, but actually physically *seeing* them happen, first hand - nothing can prepare you for that!!!!

I'm always blown away when I look at her baby photos & compare them to her 'now' photos...  It's hard to believe it is the same little person!

& now we're getting ready to do it all again - I can't wait to experience motherhood for a second time!!!!  As soon as I got up this morning, my morning sickness made itself very much known - as it did when I had to change Gaby's nappy... not pleasant!!!  Symptoms are reassuring though, so I shall not complain (too much!).  My boobs still seem to be a bit sore (to touch), so hopefully that's a good sign!  Everyone keeps mentioning how dark my BFP is now, compared to how dark it was at 4w0d, and the 'twins' word has been mentioned a lot.  I doubt twins can be identified just because of a dark BFP - butttttt I am very curious to know what my HCG levels are doing!  Twins would be a double blessing, and  I don't think it would be seen as a 'bad' thing by either of us - we want another kiddo anyway, so I guess it'd be killing two birds with one stone!

Speaking of HCG levels.. I have decided that I'm NOT going to get repetitive HCG levels done, unless my midwife decides that she wants them done.  If she does, I may just tell her to get the results given to her only - I don't know if I can want the anxiety of waiting for levels to come back & waiting to see if they've doubled like they should have.  The way I figure is that if this little bean *isn't* destined to make it, I would sooner it just 'happen', than to anticipate it through HCG levels that aren't doubling properly.  That said... god I hope this little bean is sticky!

No doubt about it - I'm up the duff!

Well after 6 days of positive tests, I believe I am definately up the duff!!!!!  When AF was late I finally started believing it, and then after very convincing BFP's at 4w0d & 4w2d, I don't think there is much denying it!  Jason seems to be very excited, but a little cautious - as am I.  My history of losses makes the next 8 weeks or so, a very scary prospect for us.  I have experienced losses at 5w4d, 6w1d, 8w0d & 10w4d - so until I reach the 12 week mark & we see our little bean, I don't think the stress will really stop!

My symptoms are right up there though, which is giving me some confidence - I've been vomitting 3-4 times a day, since around 13DPO, I'm tired all day, I've been cramping, peeing what feels like every 10 seconds & my back is sore.  My boobs seem to be starting to get sore, which is a great thing, because my losses, I haven't had sore boobs.. so come on boobies - get  aching!  

I rang the midwife I have chosen to do my care, and she was very friendly, and has scheduled me in next Thursday - 22nd October (gosh, my precious Angel-Nephew's b/day!) for my first appointment, and to refer me to the clinic who deal with women who have had recurrent losses.  Strangely I am not worried that this may be another ectopic pregnancy - maybe because my pregnancy is going according to plan (ie tests getting darker, AF has stayed away, whereas with my ectopic I got AF when she was due, and hcg was up and down).  I am trying to stay positive, to make myself believe this is a sticky little bean.  I just hope that is the case!  

We should be scheduled for an u/s around 7w, to make sure the baby is in the uterus, and that there is a h/b - so that will be our first big milestone to make it to.  Up until now all my early-pregnancy u/s have had sad results, so I'm hoping this pregnancy will be the one where we get a GOOD outcome.  This is the first pregnancy that I've really had the father there with me for support, and I think that is making it all a bit easier on me.  The thought of that first u/s is still really scary though.

Here is a pic of my BFP from today - the test line came up before the control line (yay) & as dark as (maybe darker) than it as well!

 

Compared to my BFP at 14DPO / 4w0d

 

 

It's an amazing feeling to be pregnant again, and such a novelty to have someone to share it with, who is there because he *wants* to be, and not because it 'seems like the right thing'.  I can't wait until we can tell Gaby that she is going to be a big sister, but I have no idea WHEN to tell her.  I guess I can tell her when I don't mind everyone else knowing - because Gaby will tell everyone she sees!  I am going to TRY and hold out telling, until our first ultrasound, but we'll see what happens!